Posts Tagged ‘Tired’

My head has been a non-stop, unfocused, overthinking…circle of emotions.  My only comparison?   A hamster wheel.  I’m tired.

For the past two years +, my life has been beaten down, broken, hopeless at times and then attempted to be glued back together with broken promises, lies and manipulation.  As each day passes, some things do feel like they are falling into place, but then…my head starts spinning again.

I lose it.  I lose my ability to be concerned with myself because I’m so focused on everyone else.  Wanting to help. Be there to catch them.  Be the fixer.  The caregiver.   I feel like I am the only one who can do it all.  I don’t want to let go.

I want to be the one who keeps the friendships together, but why when the majority of them aren’t putting in any effort?  The one who checks in on Family who has no one else to visit with, to share with.   I don’t want anything in return.  Just to know my presence is welcomed.

BabyAm is no longer my “baby”…that’s a hard chunk to swallow.  She has put herself in the shitty situation she’s in, all by herself.  As a Mom, I can’t stand watching her learn the hard way.  I gave her the easy directions but they must have been misplaced somewhere along the way. I believe in her.  I have blind faith that she will continue to work through the mud and guck that got her stuck here in the first place.   She’s beautiful and smart…although sometimes to her detriment, but I know she can succeed in anything she puts her mind to!

She has been living at the Women’s Mission for about 7 weeks now.  That does not feel right.  Though we set a date for her to move out, the courts took her out 1st, ordered her to the Women’ Mission and among other things, placed a no contact order on our house.  We can still see her, just not here.  That makes things almost impossible.  She’s working a full time day job, has Drug court classes 4 nights a week, AA meetings and strict curfew rules at the shelter.  Did I just say shelter…ugh.  No parent should have to go through this.  I rarely get to see her and even talking or texting is hit and miss with her schedule.  Sober friends usually get her free time, which breaks my heart but I try and understand she’s trying to grow up and help us both let go of each other.   I hate it. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a daughter…I feel an empty spot where she’s supposed to be.  She’s where she is supposed to be tho.  She will get the direction she needs from others to grow and flourish in this big world. The world that needs her experiences to pass on to others who need comfort and encouragement, from someone who KNOWS and understands just where they are, loves/accepts them for just who they are until they can love themselves.   I know this all has happened for a reason.  I can’t wait to see what great things come out of this!!

As for me, I’ve been to counseling off and on, been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, BiPolar II, and been re diagnosed with ADHD.  Fun stuff.  2 years of taking my mood stabilizer for the BiPolar, I began having tremors.  Gradually getting worse and worse.  So much that my beautiful hand writing looked just like a 90 year old man’s.  Very rough.  I felt as if I was going to go crazy.  Not being able to text, to type on the laptop keyboard, not being able to hold a fork steady enough to get it into my mouth, or keep my legs from bouncing up and down (in public no less).

All of this happening while changing med doctors 3 times, and counselor twice… No fault of my own.  The newest med doc started from the beginning with me, and immediately took me off the medicine she thought was causing the tremors…6 weeks later…90% better! Writing like my own self again.  Some days are worse than others but anything is better than it was!  She changed up my meds and decided that I needed to feel all these emotions right now.  That it’s healthy, and I’ve been so numbed up the past couple years that it was time to experience the reality of hurt, concern, anger and to feel happiness when I’m able.  I didn’t like hearing it, but I understood and accepted it.

Add into my own issues…KKs cancer returned, in her lungs this time and into her brain just as quickly.  She started out with 5 tumors in her brain…it’s now up to 8.  Some of them are new, some have grown, and a couple stayed the same.  She has two new lymph nodes growing in her lung in addition to the cancer mass.  In January (2014), the doctor gave her 6-12 months.  It’s now August. Her daughter GI Jane is expecting a little boy the end of Dec/1st of Jan…her 1st grandbaby!  Today started her 3rd round of radiation.   Possibly a third round of chemo as well…hoping for a few more months.  I want to be there for her again at every appointment, every radiation etc…but sometimes I don’t feel welcomed by others in her family.  They weren’t the ones sitting with her all day during chemo, watching the nurses pump poision into her some days now are harder than others, but I manage.  Crying after almost every appointment once I get to my car.

Selfish moment here because I’m not the only one feeling this horrible heartache…but this is my best friend.  She’s only 44.  Why her?   Watching this happen for the past 4 1/2 years has been devastating. Seeing her sick, lose her hair, have blood clots in her legs, develop steroid induced diabetes that put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Her family…my heart just aches for them.   A daughter who is also going to lose her best friend and mother, a Grandbaby on the way, 8 year old little man and a husband who just got told that he needs back surgery ASAP…and his career is over.  What more can be throw at this precious family?

And on the home front here…well my rock, my wonderful…loving…patient…kind husband has his hands full at work.  He has been out of town so much this past year, and this month we have figured he will be gone 20 out of 31 days.  Tough.  We are trying to get used to the “Empty Nest” again but it’s even more empty without him.  I know that’s how he supports us, so I support him and his job. It doesn’t make it suck any less tho.  This man is my world.  I love him dearly.

There’s still more to share, but another day.

Overall, things are ok.  Very up and down. Just like me every night.  But it’s just still gotta be “One Day at a Time”.  Right?  Sometimes one hour, one minute, one second…

Why would your doctor prescribe you medication to take at night, if one of the main side effects is insomnia?


Why do we add people we used to just “know” to our Facebook friends, when we weren’t really even friends back in “the day”?   Because we are nosey?  


Why do they want to be our Facebook friend?   Because THEY are nosey? 


How come “getting on in our years” brings aches and pains?  Haven’t we been through enough?


Why do I still get “zits” and I’m almost 40?  Shouldn’t that be something special for the youngsters hitting puberty?


What causes one to be anxious? 


Why is a happy medium, so hard to find?


With all the technology and knowledge available, why hasn’t a cure for the common cold been invented, and even more so…what about a pill that increases your metabolism, aides in digestion, enhances motivation, and decreases food intake that is safe and effective in people who are overweight?


Two thirty eight A.M…


I know I’ve not been on top of bloggin the past couple weeks, so I thought I’d take a few minutes and explain why.  There’s not just ONE reason, theres a good handful.

Scrapbooking – For those of you who don’t know, I do (occasionally) get into the scrapbooking mode.   I’m in that mode right now.   I feel like I’m running out of time to get everything done.   Mrs. Potts explained that I have my whole life to accomplish this, and to just take a deep breath and slow down.  I really am trying to take that advice.   Right now I am trying to get our family album started, and I am doing pretty good doing a few pages here and there.   We (the Bookclub/Breakfast Club girls and a few friends) have started a once a month scrapbooking day and we trade off houses.   It’s pretty fun, low key, laid back.  And helpful.  Additionally, my friend (we’ll call her JoJo) and I have a standing Thursday night date at Archivers and tell our friends they’re all invited too.  You see the problem is, then I spend all day Friday making a mess of my house with scrapbooking stuff…spread into about 4 rooms now, and into the weekend sometimes as well.

Genealogy – Well…that’s an inherited sickness.   My mom (who has been doing this for like 14 years or something like that) has started coming over on Wednesday nights to help me with my bio-family genealogy.   What a mess!   It’s alot of work, and I fight her tooth and nail while doing it, mostly because I know how addicting it is.   When she helped me with starting my Hubby’s family a couple years ago…I didn’t sleep!  (Well, not much anyway)   All these dead people trying to tell me (when I was awake, sleeping, showering etc…) where to look for them, and how to find them, or someone close to them…I swear I start to think I’m Sybil when I’m really working hard on something.    So, she’s been trying to get me to let my guard down, so those skeletons in our closet can come out.  LOL

Secret Project – I have a secret project I’m working on as well, wish I could tell you all about it – BUT I can’t cuz I’ve got family that read my blog…so if you’re curious, and your not family feel free to ask me!

Belt Buckle – This has been such a whirl-wind thing, I can’t begin to explain it.   It’s all good (keeping fingers crossed) and very neat to see.   We met his Mom today, she’s very nice and seems to really be alot like me, which doesn’t hurt.  LOL   I hope things work out for these two kids.   And because they’ve done this by our requirements and have been following the rules so well, BabyAm get’s more freedom than she’s ever had when it comes to leaving with him, etc.   They’ve done tons of stuff together, and they seem to be making a good effort to stay out of the drama and cliques at school, which is great!   I could ramble on and on about the manners this young man has, but just know that Maam, and Sir are very very common words in his vocabulary, and NOT in the Eddie Haskell sort of way.  Gentleman all the way!  So the new relationship is draining the “Mommy” in me, cuz I’m trying to be watchful/careful and also trusting and giving some extra freedom…trying to let her grow up.   *sigh*

Pictures – Because of the above mentioned scrapbooking issue I have…I needed pictures to scrapbook right?   Well – I have pictures dating back to 1986 – BabyAm’s age.   This is pathetic.   So I’m trying to separate (and organize) pictures into 3 main areas… 1) Before BabyAm  2) After BabyAm 3) After I met Hubby.    We’re talking umm 22 years of pictures, give me a break people!!!!!!  And everything after 2001 is all digital (come back here after reading the last paragraph–the number of digital pictures will probably make you hurl), I have not even touched the surface of that disaster!   Remember I said MAIN areas a second ago, yeah.  Main is the key word, because nothing is ever in perfect order, or in the correct place.  I’m finding all sorts of weird pictures in weird piles, stuffed in drawers, being used as bookmarks and probably some as filler for other boxes of stuff.  It’s fun my friends!  FUN!

So, if you don’t see me around, please feel free to email me or leave me a comment.   I may be stuck under a pile of boxes (full of pictures that aren’t labeled etc.) and I might need to be rescued.  I will probably snap a couple pictures of my organizing disaster next time it is deemed “picture worthy”.  (Like I need more pictures!  Right now on our Picture Drive we have 33.4 gigs of pictures…and the amount of pictures taking up that space is…are you ready?  28,032 pictures in 734 different folders!!!!) 

After that number, I really need a drink.

Something you may not know…I love Boxing!   Well, I love to watch it in person, and I love having gloves on so I’m able to PUNCH someone/something.   I just think it’s so much fun!  

After visiting a sick friend, I came home yesterday afternoon for Hubby and his cute little excited self to ask me if he could box (you know, on the Wii).   Why would I say no?   Anyway, I watched him fight about 5 guys, and win  (and of course I had to add in a few comments from the Peanut Gallery like “Honey, that guy called me fat! – Kick his %$#!”) which seemed to help him KO a few.  LOL

I needed a turn!   I really needed a turn!  I had to Box on the Wii!    OMG what a blast!   I did pretty good considering it was my very first game on the Wii.   I was sweatin, I was screamin, I was movin…movin real close to the TV, too funny – I just wanted to get in there and really hit the guy!   Up-close I mean.   All of that sweatin, screamin and movin paid off – KO!!!!!!!!!  I knocked the guy out!   Too fun!   Then I collapsed!

Just kidding! We really took a break for a few, ate dinner and then BabyAm went to a friends house to watch a movie.   Hubby then invited me to play a couple holes of golf with him.   I suck!   Just thought you should know that.   Wow do I suck.  

Then it was time for me to take my turn on the Wii Fit, and get some exercise (hello…had I not gotten enough with 6 holes of golf, and a 3 round boxing match? – I guess not!).   I started with Yoga, have to say that I’m good with some, but horrible on others, same with the strength training.  Now, Hula Hooping, I’m not too shabby with, and I found that after squatting to do a ski jump and getting yelled at by the Wii, because I accidentally jumped on the balance board, I decided that I needed to stick with some of the easier stuff to begin with.   I did unlock a couple more exercises (yoga and strength training), so I felt good about that.  

Maybe I was feeling a little cocky because then I piped up with…”Honey, can we box each other?” – What the hell was I thinking?    Can you say “stupid”?  I can.   Though I fought with all my might, and once again got so close to the TV trying to punch my Hubby in the face, gut and kidneys (might have to put the ottoman in front of me from here on out)…but eventually the inevitable happened…someone from the crowd whistled at me (because I look so hot in my tight pink boxing attire) and I lost my concentration, which is when Hubby forgot I was his wife and knocked me flat on my face!  After that, I think I should have made him sleep on the couch.

Defeated I decided to leave my footprint (weight/BMI/etc.), and realizing the sweet little Wii was so nice the first night, and told me that my Wii Fit age was “34”…why not do it all again?    However what I found out was that I had not gone all the way through the tests, so I finished them up.  Regretfully, I am now “38” – stupid Wii Fit!   Nah, at least I’m not older than I really am.  I’ll get better, and you can bet that I will be braggin about it too!  (When it happens!)

Additionally, I lost 1.3 pounds, according to my new “toy”.  That was a nice end, to a good little first workout.

But waking up this morning was a tough beginning because…I was a Wii-bit sore!

This is a story about a beautiful, independent and talented Princess.   The Procrastination Princess, to be exact.  

This story will take you through a journey of the King and Queens perspective of how a Princess becomes a Procrastination Princess from a birds-eye view.  Grab a “cuppa” (as my favorite Tea Snob says) and enjoy the fairy truthful-tale.

Once upon a time, in a crazy land, close close to home lives a beautiful Princess who, this week, had two big BIG projects due, two days in a row, in two different elective classes.   Now, because the Princess is so independent, she seems to wait until the VERY last minute to show the King and Queen the very long and detailed instructions/requirements for the project.  The King and Queen consider this independence a talent.

This talent was not discovered instantly, it’s a creatively crafted fine art.   The Princess has been perfecting it for years!   Each time when the project or HUGE assignment is given out, she unconsciously convienently has a memory lapse of how the last project got finished, and decides she can handle this one without the help of her Royal Court hoovering over her every move.  

This is where the story gets fuzzy.   The King and Queen can only speculate that her mental state goes from completely competent to educationally insane.   The independent Princess, however, thinks about how she wants to accomplish her assignment/project without ANY help, and tries to organize it in her head, but then is overcome with emotion about how it’s not going to work exactly as planned and/or how she needs to do this one these ten other important things first, and then she’ll start on the project, after all she still has plenty of time.  This emotional and educational insanity sticks around for several days.

Several days, means until the night before this BIG project is due.   This is when the Royal Family steps in to rescue the aformentioned Princess.   The Queen sits down with the Princess and explains, yet again how important it is that she ask for help prior to the night before her Big Due Date, and what the word ‘procrastination’ means.   The Queen also reminds her of the last project, which jogs her own memories about the many many before, where she was also rescued.  The Princess is so overcome with emotion that her independence changes to dependence and she reluctantly concedes that she indeed needs assistance.  Lots of it!

By this time, the Queen’s motherly instincts take over and she sees the Princess has come by this extremely terrible talent…naturally.   Oh the memories that flow into the Queen’s head, the flood of emotion, and then after the frustration that this happens regularly, the rush of resourceful adrenaline shoots through the Queens veins immediately.

This sweet story doesn’t end here.   The Queen gives the Princess some direction, and they work together to make progress on what looks to be an impossible project. There is some photo printing, paper reducing, and other document finding happening.   Now, the evening was shaping up to be very productive, but the Princess and her very patient mother the Queen realize that this project needs to be bound together.   But how?   The King,  who hasn’t retired for the night, who has sent all his faithful servants home for the evening, offers to make an almost midnight ride in his gas guzzling SUV on his white horse, to pick up the necessary supplies.  He’s not called the King for nothing.   The Princess realizes that the King is also her HERO, once again, and is elated!   After his return, there is still much frustration, and dueling control issues between the Princess and the Queen, all this inbetween hours and hours of cutting, pasting, and question answering happening.   Finally, the project was complete. 

The sun is two hours from coming up over the Castle, which is two hours before the Princess needs to start getting ready for her BIG Due Date, and by now has realized just how thankful she is to her Royal Family for all their love and support of her, regardless of her flaws.  She is very appreciative, graciously and humbly thanks the Queen for all her help, and apologizes for starting to become grouchy.   The Queen is pleased with their progress, and kisses her Princess while pushing her up the stairs to bed.

The King has long retired into his comfortable bed, by this obnoxious hour.  However, the Queen is terrified that everyone will oversleep, and has no idea if the King set his trusty alarm or not.  She tip-toes over to the stove and sets the timer for two hours and 30 minutes, and giggles.  She climbs into her very comfortable bed, and can’t come down from her long night falls fast, fast asleep.

The Queen vaguely remembers the timer on the stove going off, and the once again independent Princess turning it off shortly before the Queen managed to drag herself out of bed joyfully rushed to say goodbye and good-luck to the princess as she walked out the door.   Later in the day the King anxiously casually looked to see if her project had been graded.   He was amazed excited to see that the hard work and effort of the Procrastination Princess and his Queen, who honestly couldn’t have gotten through it without him had earned her an “A” (198/200 points).

The King, Queen and the Procrastination Princess will live happily ever after.  Until next year when this fairy truthful tale, will be told all over again, several times.

The moral of the story:   Do not put off until tomorrow, what you should have done last week because someday your trusty King and Queen will not be as readily available, and you might not have anyone else to rely on at the last minute.   


Side note:  The castle photo above was taken by the Procrastination Princess, during our picture taking frenzy for her Digital Photo project that was due yesterday…if you click on the link it’ll take you to the website for Castle Gardens, a very expensive beautiful place for a fairy tale wedding.

Soon I will lots and lots of fun news!  I just need to finish up a couple projects that are on my plate, and I will be back to share with you whats been going on!   It might even be tomorrow!

Everyone in this house has been playing “catch up”, we’ll even be continuing to play “catch up” through the weekend (probably into next week, as well.   What a long week.  

Hubby has probably worked an 80 hour week AGAIN, which makes for extremely long days and nights trying to help his client move and keep his other clients taken care of.   Some of them have had to wait, some of them continue to wait.  I feel terrible, since I can only do so much to help out.  

BabyAm has been studying for End of Course exams like a fiend, and in the process has managed to catch a bug.   Pretty sure it’s a “I’m worn out cold”, and I know it doesn’t help that the weather has no idea what it wants to do.   She’s been so good to watch the boys in the evenings this week so that I could go help Hubby off and on.   What a trooper.  She’s had some awesome revelations lately, check out this one she blogged about on Thursday.

Me, I’ve been trying to accomplish Debate tasks, so that we can get this year wrapped up.   Mrs. Potts and I have been working on getting pictures from Speech and Debate tournaments picked out (and printed), invitations to the banquet sent out, donation requests for the banquet dropped off/faxed etc. and all of that in between taking care of the the other things that have been going on in each of our lives.   Like taking care of our families, house work, friendships, our kids, and our hubby’s.  

I can tell you that this weekend CAN NOT come soon enough.  The weather is supposed to be turning, AGAIN, which doesn’t help the attitude.   We heard this evening that it was snowing most of the afternoon in the Seattle area, and that weather always seems to head our way.   YUCK.  


I’ll blog in the morning.   Can’t. Keep.Eyes.Open!


Today, if I didn’t know better, I would think that this was me…
Only not this lovely!


Oh Wait!  It “is” me…

Just couldn’t post tonight…too exhausted.