Posts Tagged ‘Sad’

My mind is so jumbled with STUFF that it hurts.  Decompressing isn’t an option right now.  So I work on it in my spare time.   3am.

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When they arent nightmares or Daymares, then they are EXTREMELY VIVID.

3 for 3

One about someone (I’ve known since 1st grade) who was moving pretty far away.  And me needing to say goodbye.

One about GI Jane, her adorable new little guy and me being there as grandma because KK couldn’t.

And last night, after all the horrible visions of sadness I had during the day…I dreamed of me and KK having an amazing time (she was not as sick) laughing and having fun, out causing a ruckus.   I didn’t want to wake up.

I need more of those that aren’t.

When your head won’t stop playing the same horrible images over and over in your head, and you can’t wake up.

Nightmares.

Only they aren’t JUST at night…

Daymares.

Those.   Both of those.

My head has been a non-stop, unfocused, overthinking…circle of emotions.  My only comparison?   A hamster wheel.  I’m tired.

For the past two years +, my life has been beaten down, broken, hopeless at times and then attempted to be glued back together with broken promises, lies and manipulation.  As each day passes, some things do feel like they are falling into place, but then…my head starts spinning again.

I lose it.  I lose my ability to be concerned with myself because I’m so focused on everyone else.  Wanting to help. Be there to catch them.  Be the fixer.  The caregiver.   I feel like I am the only one who can do it all.  I don’t want to let go.

I want to be the one who keeps the friendships together, but why when the majority of them aren’t putting in any effort?  The one who checks in on Family who has no one else to visit with, to share with.   I don’t want anything in return.  Just to know my presence is welcomed.

BabyAm is no longer my “baby”…that’s a hard chunk to swallow.  She has put herself in the shitty situation she’s in, all by herself.  As a Mom, I can’t stand watching her learn the hard way.  I gave her the easy directions but they must have been misplaced somewhere along the way. I believe in her.  I have blind faith that she will continue to work through the mud and guck that got her stuck here in the first place.   She’s beautiful and smart…although sometimes to her detriment, but I know she can succeed in anything she puts her mind to!

She has been living at the Women’s Mission for about 7 weeks now.  That does not feel right.  Though we set a date for her to move out, the courts took her out 1st, ordered her to the Women’ Mission and among other things, placed a no contact order on our house.  We can still see her, just not here.  That makes things almost impossible.  She’s working a full time day job, has Drug court classes 4 nights a week, AA meetings and strict curfew rules at the shelter.  Did I just say shelter…ugh.  No parent should have to go through this.  I rarely get to see her and even talking or texting is hit and miss with her schedule.  Sober friends usually get her free time, which breaks my heart but I try and understand she’s trying to grow up and help us both let go of each other.   I hate it. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a daughter…I feel an empty spot where she’s supposed to be.  She’s where she is supposed to be tho.  She will get the direction she needs from others to grow and flourish in this big world. The world that needs her experiences to pass on to others who need comfort and encouragement, from someone who KNOWS and understands just where they are, loves/accepts them for just who they are until they can love themselves.   I know this all has happened for a reason.  I can’t wait to see what great things come out of this!!

As for me, I’ve been to counseling off and on, been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, BiPolar II, and been re diagnosed with ADHD.  Fun stuff.  2 years of taking my mood stabilizer for the BiPolar, I began having tremors.  Gradually getting worse and worse.  So much that my beautiful hand writing looked just like a 90 year old man’s.  Very rough.  I felt as if I was going to go crazy.  Not being able to text, to type on the laptop keyboard, not being able to hold a fork steady enough to get it into my mouth, or keep my legs from bouncing up and down (in public no less).

All of this happening while changing med doctors 3 times, and counselor twice… No fault of my own.  The newest med doc started from the beginning with me, and immediately took me off the medicine she thought was causing the tremors…6 weeks later…90% better! Writing like my own self again.  Some days are worse than others but anything is better than it was!  She changed up my meds and decided that I needed to feel all these emotions right now.  That it’s healthy, and I’ve been so numbed up the past couple years that it was time to experience the reality of hurt, concern, anger and to feel happiness when I’m able.  I didn’t like hearing it, but I understood and accepted it.

Add into my own issues…KKs cancer returned, in her lungs this time and into her brain just as quickly.  She started out with 5 tumors in her brain…it’s now up to 8.  Some of them are new, some have grown, and a couple stayed the same.  She has two new lymph nodes growing in her lung in addition to the cancer mass.  In January (2014), the doctor gave her 6-12 months.  It’s now August. Her daughter GI Jane is expecting a little boy the end of Dec/1st of Jan…her 1st grandbaby!  Today started her 3rd round of radiation.   Possibly a third round of chemo as well…hoping for a few more months.  I want to be there for her again at every appointment, every radiation etc…but sometimes I don’t feel welcomed by others in her family.  They weren’t the ones sitting with her all day during chemo, watching the nurses pump poision into her body..so some days now are harder than others, but I manage.  Crying after almost every appointment once I get to my car.

Selfish moment here because I’m not the only one feeling this horrible heartache…but this is my best friend.  She’s only 44.  Why her?   Watching this happen for the past 4 1/2 years has been devastating. Seeing her sick, lose her hair, have blood clots in her legs, develop steroid induced diabetes that put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Her family…my heart just aches for them.   A daughter who is also going to lose her best friend and mother, a Grandbaby on the way, 8 year old little man and a husband who just got told that he needs back surgery ASAP…and his career is over.  What more can be throw at this precious family?

And on the home front here…well my rock, my wonderful…loving…patient…kind husband has his hands full at work.  He has been out of town so much this past year, and this month we have figured he will be gone 20 out of 31 days.  Tough.  We are trying to get used to the “Empty Nest” again but it’s even more empty without him.  I know that’s how he supports us, so I support him and his job. It doesn’t make it suck any less tho.  This man is my world.  I love him dearly.

There’s still more to share, but another day.

Overall, things are ok.  Very up and down. Just like me every night.  But it’s just still gotta be “One Day at a Time”.  Right?  Sometimes one hour, one minute, one second…

I’m sure my mom moved outta this house because the oven was broken.   I am SURE of it.

Every time we turned on the oven, we could smell something…almost like the house was on fire.   Seriously.

We decided to call and find out the truth, did Mom really move out because the oven was broken?   And did she know that the house was going to burn down the next time we turned it on to bake dinner?

She swore she “cleaned it” before she moved and she said she rarely used it.  We have only used it a time or two but each time…the smell…

She did say though, if in fact it was going to catch on fire to grab our external hard drive, and wait an hour before calling the fire department.  LOL

We asked her if maybe she touched the element with something (cheese maybe?)…she assured us that she had not.   Graham decided to take a look at the elements…clear.   He then took out the racks, and to his surprise…in the back, on the bottom…

A PANCAKE!
Or what is left of one anyway…

oops…he was the last one to make pancakes!!!  (we put them on a PC stone, and put them in the oven until everything else is done, and we’re ready to eat)   I thought I was going to wet my pants, and my mom (on the other end of the phone) was already on her way to the bathroom.    It was just too funny (Yes, you had to be there!) because we had given Mom such a bad time about the stove/oven…and it was not her fault at all…

I still like this thought though…If all else fails, just blame Mom!!!!!

I walked out of the fabric store the other day, to see a little girl watching this:

I called Hubby, he said “What are you doing just standing there?  They’re going to crap on my car!”  I assured him that was NOT the case.   Snapped the picture above and got into the car.  $hit!  Literally.

A$$HOLES!

Saturday evening, we were trying to decide what to watch (on our Apple TV).  Hubby came across a documentary called Food, Inc. and then decided to watch the trailer.  I didn’t even get 1/2 way through the trailer and I said “I’ll watch it!  Download it!”  BabyAm agreed as well, but was skeptical yet interested.

It took us almost 3 hours to watch this 1.5 hour video.  Why?  Because so many good points were made which needed to be discussed, and additionally listened to over and over again, to drive home each of the points.

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One of the filmmakers said in an interview that they tried to take a lot of the GRIM out of the show because they didn’t want anyone to have to sit there with their eyes closed.  I needed to look away a couple times. 

The whole thing was a complete eye opener. 

Do I recommend this movie?  Absolutely.  
Do you want to watch it?  I doubt it.  
Should you watch it?  Without a doubt. 

I can bet you that you will shake your head through most of it, saying to yourself “I had NO idea…”.

So, we discussed as a family, that it was not only time to change our eating habits but we also need to work on converting our intake of healthier foods to include more naturally made/grown/processed foods.  We not only need to know what is in the foods we eat, but where it is coming from as well.

This process is going to take us on a wild ride I’m sure!

I think some things were deliverd to the wrong house by mistake yesterday…Cap and Gown?  Graduation Announcements?   Really, who would need such stuff…

There is no way it could be us,
because our little girl is just still teeny-tiny!

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See?  Absolutely too young to be graduating…right?!?

This poem holds a special place in my heart, and I wanted to share it with Heather and Mike (they are friends of Headless Mom) as they lost their precious daughter, Maddie last night. 

I’ll Lend You a Child

by Edgar Guest

 

I’ll lend you for a little time a child of mine, 

For you to love – while he lives

And mourn for when he dies.

It may be seven or eight years

Eighteen or twenty- three,

But will you, till I call him back,

Take care or him for Me?

He’ll bring his smiles to gladden you,

And shall his stay be brief

You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,

Since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this boy to learn.

I’ve looked this world over

In search for teachers true,

And from the throngs that crowd

Life’s loves, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love,

Nor think  the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I call

To take him back again?

I fancied that I heard you say,

‘Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

For all the joy this child shall bring,

The risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness,

We’ll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we’ve known

Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him

Much sooner than we’ve planned,

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand.’

 

Headless Mom has posted a special post  for all of them with tons of love sent from the blog-o-sphere.  My love and prayers go out to their family as they try to stand strong in such a difficult time of loss and hurt.

You didn’t answer the phone for me today when I called.  Somehow I knew you wouldn’t.   You always answer when I call.   You must know that I am in shock, and that I do not agree with your decision.   I need to get this out, and I’m afraid it won’t come out so nicely on the phone.  So I’ll spare you.

I am not judging you.   It is not my place to judge.  You know I’m not that way.   Though you are my Ex, you are more like my brother, and I feel like I am losing my brother, this is the part that is the hardest for me.  I’m very sad. 

I was so proud of you, and so happy for you.   You are 6 months sober.  (Please, please, please don’t lose that piece of your identity!)  You were finally away from the drama, pain and hurtfulness of your marriage.    You were moving on, and seemed so excited about it.  We all were excited for you.   What happened?

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She is a manipulator.   You know everything that I could possibly say to you is true, and you have said it all yourself.  You have been (once again) blinded by her lies, and you are the only one that can do anything about it.   She is using your love for her, to get what she wants until she is done with you and then the cycle will start all over.

We have been friends for 22 years now.  I’ve always been there to support your decisions.  I wish I could support you now, but not this time.  You did what you needed to do for “YOUR” (other family), and I have to let it go.  

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I have to do it for BabyAm.  I have to do it for her…

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…and for “OUR” family.