Posts Tagged ‘Friends’

My head has been a non-stop, unfocused, overthinking…circle of emotions.  My only comparison?   A hamster wheel.  I’m tired.

For the past two years +, my life has been beaten down, broken, hopeless at times and then attempted to be glued back together with broken promises, lies and manipulation.  As each day passes, some things do feel like they are falling into place, but then…my head starts spinning again.

I lose it.  I lose my ability to be concerned with myself because I’m so focused on everyone else.  Wanting to help. Be there to catch them.  Be the fixer.  The caregiver.   I feel like I am the only one who can do it all.  I don’t want to let go.

I want to be the one who keeps the friendships together, but why when the majority of them aren’t putting in any effort?  The one who checks in on Family who has no one else to visit with, to share with.   I don’t want anything in return.  Just to know my presence is welcomed.

BabyAm is no longer my “baby”…that’s a hard chunk to swallow.  She has put herself in the shitty situation she’s in, all by herself.  As a Mom, I can’t stand watching her learn the hard way.  I gave her the easy directions but they must have been misplaced somewhere along the way. I believe in her.  I have blind faith that she will continue to work through the mud and guck that got her stuck here in the first place.   She’s beautiful and smart…although sometimes to her detriment, but I know she can succeed in anything she puts her mind to!

She has been living at the Women’s Mission for about 7 weeks now.  That does not feel right.  Though we set a date for her to move out, the courts took her out 1st, ordered her to the Women’ Mission and among other things, placed a no contact order on our house.  We can still see her, just not here.  That makes things almost impossible.  She’s working a full time day job, has Drug court classes 4 nights a week, AA meetings and strict curfew rules at the shelter.  Did I just say shelter…ugh.  No parent should have to go through this.  I rarely get to see her and even talking or texting is hit and miss with her schedule.  Sober friends usually get her free time, which breaks my heart but I try and understand she’s trying to grow up and help us both let go of each other.   I hate it. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a daughter…I feel an empty spot where she’s supposed to be.  She’s where she is supposed to be tho.  She will get the direction she needs from others to grow and flourish in this big world. The world that needs her experiences to pass on to others who need comfort and encouragement, from someone who KNOWS and understands just where they are, loves/accepts them for just who they are until they can love themselves.   I know this all has happened for a reason.  I can’t wait to see what great things come out of this!!

As for me, I’ve been to counseling off and on, been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, BiPolar II, and been re diagnosed with ADHD.  Fun stuff.  2 years of taking my mood stabilizer for the BiPolar, I began having tremors.  Gradually getting worse and worse.  So much that my beautiful hand writing looked just like a 90 year old man’s.  Very rough.  I felt as if I was going to go crazy.  Not being able to text, to type on the laptop keyboard, not being able to hold a fork steady enough to get it into my mouth, or keep my legs from bouncing up and down (in public no less).

All of this happening while changing med doctors 3 times, and counselor twice… No fault of my own.  The newest med doc started from the beginning with me, and immediately took me off the medicine she thought was causing the tremors…6 weeks later…90% better! Writing like my own self again.  Some days are worse than others but anything is better than it was!  She changed up my meds and decided that I needed to feel all these emotions right now.  That it’s healthy, and I’ve been so numbed up the past couple years that it was time to experience the reality of hurt, concern, anger and to feel happiness when I’m able.  I didn’t like hearing it, but I understood and accepted it.

Add into my own issues…KKs cancer returned, in her lungs this time and into her brain just as quickly.  She started out with 5 tumors in her brain…it’s now up to 8.  Some of them are new, some have grown, and a couple stayed the same.  She has two new lymph nodes growing in her lung in addition to the cancer mass.  In January (2014), the doctor gave her 6-12 months.  It’s now August. Her daughter GI Jane is expecting a little boy the end of Dec/1st of Jan…her 1st grandbaby!  Today started her 3rd round of radiation.   Possibly a third round of chemo as well…hoping for a few more months.  I want to be there for her again at every appointment, every radiation etc…but sometimes I don’t feel welcomed by others in her family.  They weren’t the ones sitting with her all day during chemo, watching the nurses pump poision into her body..so some days now are harder than others, but I manage.  Crying after almost every appointment once I get to my car.

Selfish moment here because I’m not the only one feeling this horrible heartache…but this is my best friend.  She’s only 44.  Why her?   Watching this happen for the past 4 1/2 years has been devastating. Seeing her sick, lose her hair, have blood clots in her legs, develop steroid induced diabetes that put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Her family…my heart just aches for them.   A daughter who is also going to lose her best friend and mother, a Grandbaby on the way, 8 year old little man and a husband who just got told that he needs back surgery ASAP…and his career is over.  What more can be throw at this precious family?

And on the home front here…well my rock, my wonderful…loving…patient…kind husband has his hands full at work.  He has been out of town so much this past year, and this month we have figured he will be gone 20 out of 31 days.  Tough.  We are trying to get used to the “Empty Nest” again but it’s even more empty without him.  I know that’s how he supports us, so I support him and his job. It doesn’t make it suck any less tho.  This man is my world.  I love him dearly.

There’s still more to share, but another day.

Overall, things are ok.  Very up and down. Just like me every night.  But it’s just still gotta be “One Day at a Time”.  Right?  Sometimes one hour, one minute, one second…

I think I need to kick things into high gear around here.   I told Hubby yesterday that even though I know I don’t have it, I feel like I have ADD.  I need to focus on something and get it done, so that I can feel accomplished.

Right now in my life, I’m trying to do so many things I can’t seem to wrap my arms around any of them.

Genealogy

  • BabyAm’s Family – Still gotta call the Matriarch of the family…I’ve been putting that off.
  • Hubby’s Family – Oh the pictures, data and organization…this hasn’t been worked on in almost 6 years and I left it undone then…
  • 2 of My Families – I’m one of those lucky ones who has two paternal families.  I need to get them off my mom’s plate and I just don’t have it in me yet.

Around the house

  • Continue to get my scrap-booking/genealogy room organized.  I keep so much stuff it’s unreal.
  • Get scrap-booking again!  I’m so behind!
  • Keep up with all my “chores”…it’s harder now with 2 kids here (Freckles is down until the weekend, and BabyAm stays here during his visits), but I love having the kids here.
  • All the other miscellaneous things I need to do…baseboards, paint, wallpaper stripping, all around fresh new look for things.

Things for me

  • Use my Gift Certificate with JoJo (and JP’s Momma, and BH) and go back to Hot Yoga.  I miss it.   I think there is a beginners class tonight…hummm…that’s a possiblity.
  • Go shopping with my Gift cards from Christmas.
  • Maybe try 2-a-days’ at the gym, or longer in the mornings.
  • Use my Gift Certificate for a 60 minute massage (from my parents @Christmas)
  • I probably need to see my shrink, since I cancelled my last appt.
  • I know I need my face “done”…ouch!
  • Oh, a pedicure would be nice, and some acrylics…sigh.

Catch up with friends:

  • Have lunch with my previous neighbor the Cycle Path…
  • Today I’m finally getting to have coffee with another previous neighbor that I haven’t seen in over a year. (I hope it doesn’t get cancelled)

Those lists are just the major things I need to do, there are so many other little minor things, too many to name.   So, if you’re bored and looking for something to keep you occupied.  Please don’t hesitate to come on over and make yourself at home.  I could use some working company.

…and in addition to all that, I’m still searching for (inner) peace.

Unfortunately the weekend didn’t go how I would have hoped.   I was actually happy to see it come to an end if the truth be known.  Never thought I’d say that.  Never in a million years.

The most bothersome of the weekend that was an assumption about a friend of ours.  A great friend.   An assumption that just made my head explode.   It was handled so poorly to begin with that it just spiraled out of control, which sent my blood pressure through the roof, and my heart to my sleeve yet again.   I wear it there a good portion of the time, sadly.

I honestly believe that if you want to judge me.   Fine.  Enjoy yourself.  You’re the one missing out, and you’re the one who’s true colors are seen very vividly.  But when you start judging my friends, that is when you’ve really stuck a knife in my gut…

I’ll admit freely, that I am one who actually does judge a book by it’s cover.  An actual book…that you read…with paper and words in it.   Mostly because I’m not an avid reader and if the cover and 2 paragraph summary doesn’t catch my attention, I know I won’t read it and move on to the next one.  HOWEVER, when it comes to people.  Living, breathing, walking, talking people…THAT is something that I have learned (yes, learned…the hard way) to never do.

I don’t care what you look like.  I don’t care what color your skin, eyes or hair is.  I don’t care if you are into classical music or doom metal.  I really could care less if you are tattooed, pierced or as plain jane as they come.   Whether you are working or not, have a Ferrari or a bicycle.  That means nothing to me about your character.

What I care about is how you treat people, how loving and caring is your heart.   Would you be there for me if I needed you?  Would you stand up for me, would you put your reputation on the line?  Would you welcome me in if it was cold, or a ride home if it was raining?  Would you trust me with your children, and that I can trust you with mine?  Are your morals equal to mine?  Are my personal thoughts and feelings safe with you?

I truly believe that it’s not about the outside, it’s about what’s on the inside that counts.  Said so many times, but is it ever described…is it really something people believe, or do they just say it when it’s convenient?   I know that I live it.

If you know me, really know me.  I think you would shake your head and say “Yes, she does live it”.  If you don’t, I hope you know it now.  I don’t like hypocrites, I don’t like people who are racist, I don’t like people who are judgmental and ignorant.

I am proud of the company I keep.  I am obviously protective too.  I hope that the next time you look at someone who looks differently than you, that you stop and wonder how HUGE their heart is, or what pain they might have been/are going through.  Because, it’s those that hide it, who keep their guard up (in what ever way), those that choose to be different…that I have found to be the most genuine.

When you judge my friends, you judge me…and that is something I take very personally.  My friends and family are my most precious treasures.

Today is a good Monday.  I put into words my feelings and I’m going to share it with all of you.

Some friends of ours just split up. I don’t have any details and it sucks. But right now my heart is broken, my stomach is churning, I am just so confused. I thought that they were one of the happiest couples we knew. I did however know that something was up, just couldn’t put my finger on it.

We’ve always told BabyAm that you never know what’s going on inside someone else’s house.

The jerk neighbors have had “Just Married” written all over their car (that hasn’t moved since that day) for over 2 months now. Why?

Same neighbors tore out all their cat-pee bushes and threw them in their front yard (over two weeks ago) and they are still there. Their grass is dying. Now the other neighbor has quit mowing their lawn for them, so it looks quite trashy. They are not renters. Who does this?

Now the two houses we look at every day out our window look like dumps. Nice.

One more week (7 days really), and it will be ONE year since I smoked a cigarette!!!! Well, both Hubby and I…can’t leave him out. We are doing so well.

I haven’t wanted to ask, but i hope one of my sweet friends who has been trying to lick the smoking habit too, is doing good with it. If she’s reading this, maybe she’ll let me know. I’ve not stopped rooting for her. You go girl!

Cancer still sucks. Chemo sucks. All the side effects of Chemo suck too. I think it sucks that I can’t help KK. It’s starting to really piss me off.

Our vacation (that I didn’t mention yet) was wonderful…we ate our way through Portland and Seattle…but my back ached the entire time, and my ankle…still not healed.

My “To Do” list is too long for me to even start writing it out.

I haven’t felt like blogging lately. I must be going through a “season”…I don’t know if I like it. I miss getting things off my chest.

Really…they split up? I still am in shock. Hurting for them both. So unexpected.

*sigh* Thanks for the dump.


tagged

What a can of worms this will open!  You just wait and see.

Headless Mom tagged me on Saturday for The Completely Honest meme.  I should have known she would tag me…to be completely honest (lol)…because I just have not been posting enough on a regular basis, and this is her way of being sneaky and getting me back to what’s important.  *giggle giggle*

I didn’t really jump on this meme too quickly for a number of reasons.  The main one was time.  I just have not had time.  But another was because I wanted to take a look back and see what kinds of things everyone else shared.  I am kind of a cheater like that.

I guess I’m supposed to list off 10 things about me that I have NEVER told anyone, except maybe my Hubby.  And also be completely honest about them…then tag 7 people.   Both I think are going to be tough.

  1. I know that my way of parenting is not everyone else’s way…but I really wish it was, because some people (and their kids) just piss me off.  Self-Centered Much? 
  2. I love that Hubby works for himself, but sometimes I wish I could intervene and “tell off” (and not in a very nice way) a few of his clients that purposely take advantage of him.
  3. I fight my addictive personality every.single.day and additionally am so very thankful that I didn’t follow the wrong path years ago when I had the chance.
  4. I hate men who don’t take full responsibility for taking care of (in every way), and are an integral part of raising their daughters.  I think there is a special place in hell for them.  I am angry that my ex-husband doesn’t help in any way, taking care of BabyAm…and because we make too much money for financial aid, we have to pay for college 100% while her step-sister is going to the same college with aid.  Additionally, college pisses me off because middle class parents don’t qualify, and are also the ones who work NOT to have debt (student loans)…urg!
  5. I struggle with my sailor mouth minute by minute.  I wish I would have paid more attention in school so I could cuss someone out with intelligence instead of being vulgar and offensive.  And express my frustrations without being foul.
  6. I am realizing how much things change within our lives and our health as we get older.   I know that (almost) 40 is not old…BUT, I am already afraid of the changes I see happening…forgetfulness, achy, eyesight changing constantly (instead of every year), parental role reversal; not having Mommy take care of me…but now the tables are turned and I am taking care of Mommy (when she needs it). 
  7. I have at least 30 of these 35 Symptoms, and it’s really bothering me.  I haven’t been for a regular checkup in at least 5 years, and I am afraid to go because I don’t want to hear either of these two things.  (No you’re not going through this early, or yes you’re going through this early.)  Just fix it already!
  8. The insomnia that I am experiencing is enough to make me scream.  I would except I’d wake up the rest of the house. They say that insomnia is one of the side effects of quitting smoking…it’s been 114 days.   No patches or anything for at least 60 of those days.  (by the way it’s 2:47am at this moment)
  9. I know that it’s time for us to downsize into a smaller house.  That’s a tough realization.  Partially because I hate to admit it, but I do NOT enjoy trying to keep it clean/picked up…whatever!  And partially because I know we don’t need this much room…our baby is now rarely home, sometimes I think she just needs a place to shower and crash for a few hours.
  10. And now, for that special treat…

can-o-wormsAlthough I am terrified at what my Mom and the rest of my family might think…I absolutely want to cover both my arms in “sleeve” tattoos (sooner, not later!)

*important side note:  bills, child support, college, sorority etc…all get paid before the tattoos get done…please DO NOT be mistaken here!

I can’t not believe I actually was able to come up with 10 very honest things about me, it did take a good amount of time and effort, so finally…I get to tag 7 people.

I don’t have too many faithful followers that I’m aware of…but the few that I know do read me and I am now tagging are:

  1. Mrs. Potts @ Confessions of a Tea Snob because I need to teach her how to link to things and this would be as good of a time as any.  She might have a few things she’d like to share. And she’s been trying to blog more lately…so she needs a little encouragement I think.
  2. Deb @ Just Breathe because she seems to have fun with Meme’s and I like that she and Skye are always sharing fun things!  Why not share a few more? 
  3. Carol Anne @ Soapboxville because she is already as honest as they come, and I enjoy hearing her perspective on everything.
  4. My friend Kristen @ New Journey because I want her to make her blog public (you might not be able to go there yet), so that you all can see her darling new little one…ok, she’s not little anymore.  AND because she is so “scary honest” anyway.  I’m dyin to hear her 10 things!
  5. Ok, so I double tag Kelly @ Something Funny Happened Today, because she has double tagged me before…AND she’s still not completed her tag from Headless Mom!  Come on Kelly, you are WAY behind.  September…really? 
  6. Melissa @ Spoiled Mommy because she’s been such fun to get to know.  I know how busy she’s been with the new business and all…so I’m not sure if she’ll wanna participate.
  7. And lastly but of course not least…my sweet friend in Chile who has not blogged regularly in quite some time…Leslie @ Got Kids Need Valium.  

terrified-mary

What a great Saturday today was for me!  (even though its after midnight, and now Sunday) I love days that just make me happy all the way around!

All morning long we slaved (ok Hubby slaved and I supervised) over the yard decorations.   We added to our collection, didn’t use a few things we normally use, and decided to think about some other things we just didn’t feel right about.   We also shook it up a bit and are trying something new.   Hint:  A shovel is part of it.  LOL

I took a few pictures today but we might need to add a few more finishing touches tomorrow.  So sadly I’m going to wait to post those.  

As for tonight, it was a blast!  I probably had more fun tonight than I have had in years going out with friends (ok, well maybe not more fun, but different fun—SCARY fun!)    *Our friends need names…I’ll get back to you with those*  We started off with dinner, we went to Five Guys Burgers and Fries!   Yum!   Oh, and the Cajun fries are to die for!

I printed off a handful of different haunted house info sheets, (times/where/cost etc.) and brought them with us to dinner so we could choose what we wanted to do.  We all decided on a Haunted House that you had to sign a waiver to get into.  Too funny!   Of course if you have to sign a waiver; it must be good, right?   It was in a paintball building…and yes it was good.  It was fun!   And when we were done, we realized it was still WAY TO EARLY to go home…so we headed out to the country for more screaming excitement!

I have been learning that sometimes you have to work with what you have.  In this instance, I only had Hubby’s Camera Phone to work with.   Not the most clear, nor the most pretty…but something none-the-less.

field of screams pic

Corn Maze + Haunted House = Field of Screams

And that it was.   I am sure that you all heard me screaming at the top of my lungs tonight from so very far away…Canada, California, Colorado, the Moon.   Yes it was me, and I’m already paying dearly for it.   My throat is killing me.   Figures!  Nothing fun comes without a price.

Nothing like having a creepy school bus inside the corn maze, with fog coming out of it, and as you walk by it the door opens, and the bus driver scares the crap right out of you…and then when you are trying to run past the front of the bus he turns on his lights and honks the horn at you…OH. MY. GOSH. DID. I. JUST. WET. MY. PANTS?  LOL

Here is a picture of Hubby and I, just before the regular corn maze (not haunted).  

ma and pa kettle

We learned about pigs…How many toes do pigs have?    Are pigs used for any type of medicines?  Interesting stuff I tell you!

And our sweet friends that were kind enough to hang with us for the evening.   I think next time they’ll want to go somewhere quiet…or they’ll bring ear plugs.  

kettle neighbors

I need to get myself to bed.  BabyAm is still up studying.  Hubby and Humphrey Bogart are in bed snoring, and me and Tommy Lee are in the recliner (blogging) with a little bit of a headache, tired feet and droopy eyes.  

Thanks everyone for a lovely day!!!

We are fast approaching my favorite holiday…and this weekend will bring so much excitement for me (decorating).   I wish I had a never-ending bank account so that I could just keep adding and adding to my spook-fever fun!

I had my years of “Casper the Friendly Ghost,” smiling pumpkins and black cats in festive hats.  I’m soooo done with that!

casper

Now that BabyAm is grown (aka no more little kids at home) and she doesn’t even hang out on Halloween anymore…I can decorate how I want.   Hubby has been so obligatory and helpful!!!  I think he has just as much fun as I do, he just doesn’t admit it as openly.   I have to admit though, some of my friends and family do not completely understand my fascination with Halloween and all the ghoulish parts of it.   It’s ok though, I hope they still love me no matter.

This weekend the coffin gets dusted off and brought out along with the bones, the skulls, the spiders (a million other fun things)…

29405

…and the newest addition to my freak-show…but you’ll have to wait to see it!  I will post pictures by Sunday I hope!

We are also going to hang out with some friends of ours on Saturday night.  We are going to visit a fun haunted house or two, and a field of screams!   Nothing like a great adult night of terror! 

haunted_house

haunted_ghoul

What is your favorite holiday, and why?

Poster Child Post #1 can be found Here…are you all caught up?  Good!  Let’s get this party started!

Out of 72 Entries, and the 60 that were actually eligible…I was a WINNER!   (and 10 people nominated me–yes 10!)  I told you that there were no other Mothers out there quite as pathetic as I am.   Ok, well a couple because they won too!   (Thanks Lisa and Tara!)

I had a small issue though.  I needed to take a friend.   I love all my friends here in town, but most of them have smaller children, or they aren’t big into bar-hopping or hanging with people they don’t know…so I struggled.  I didn’t want to make any of my friends feel uncomfortable…so I decided to ask a total stranger instead!

Seriously, I don’t make a habit of things like this however, I was sure that my very first bloggy friend would have a blast going with me.   If we could only get her here!   After many emails and phone calls…it actually happened!   Headless Mom was coming to “Cut the Cord” with me!  I can’t tell you how exciting this was for me!   Her family was so gracious in letting and helping her come!

Impatiently waiting for H.M at the airport…

waiting small

Rather than give you the play-by-play I’ll just share pictures!  (Though the pictures may portray another story, the truth is we did NOT get drunk…it’s called “pacing yourselves” for the young ones who haven’t learned those words yet…LOL…right HM?)

We be chillin…

Headless Legs small

Our Pre-limo Cocktail…

Headless Drinks Small

New “IRL” Headless Friends…

Headless Friends Small

The Limo Arrives…

Limo Small

Champaign all around…

Headless Kate

Headless Arrival at dinner…

Headless Group Smokey Small

During dinner cocktail…

Headless dinner

One of us is drinking water…it wasn’t me!

headless hannahs

Ummm…Watermelon Shots – Too bad they weren’t ours though!
They were just pretty!

Watermelon Small

Copper Camels…you’re so smoooooooooth!

copper

Pick your poison…which one is mine?

Cheers 2 Small

Washington Apple Shots…Nasty!!
Headless Mom secretly passed her’s to the table behind us.
She was SMART!  YUCK!

Washington Apples

Seriously 3 more bottles of Champagne?

More Champagne Small

OMG, we are soooo old…don’t these girls have mothers?
Or better yet mirrors?

headless youngsters

We better toast to “maturity”…

Cheers Small

 Headless dancing…yeah, that’s some maturity for ya!

Headless Dancing Small

Are we too old for this?

Headless Dancing 2 small

Too bad Kelly couldn’t come too…
let’s send her a late night email!
Cuz the “toes” knows!

Toes for Kelly Small

The night is almost over, last bar stop =WATER!

Water small

A great big thank you to my friends and family that nominated me.   And to Headless Mom, many big thank you’s and hugs for being completely Spontaneous (this is how I became the Poster Child and a “Murderer”…please go read her post it’s a riot) and coming to share in an evening of fun with me! 

You are an amazing friend!  I miss you already!

I would like to ask all of my family and friends who read my blog, to click over to Headless Mom’s blog for a few minutes.  She’s looking for a little help blessing some people close to her.   

Would you mind taking a look to see if you could help bless them too?  Click here to read more…

Thanks tons my friends!!

…Title stolen from a Great Friend to be named later
…(Thank you Great Friend, I know it is out of love!)

When you were growing up, did you stand by the phone in the kitchen (because there were no such things as cordless phones then) with all the telephone numbers pushed except the last one (because you HAD to wait until the very precise second to push it) because you were desperately trying to win some kind of radio contest???  Tickets to see Twisted Sister, a backstage pass to meet Rick Springfield, or even just lunch at the local deli?  

Yep!  Me too!   Only now it’s MUCH easier!  (Oh the joys of technology!) 

Well sit back and relax because I’m going to tell you a little story about just how easy it can be to win…IF and only IF you are as pathetic as I am.  (And thankfully I am not the only one, so it’s much easier to swallow!)

All you have to do is have a niche when it comes to what they’re looking for (and follow the rules)…CHECK!

girlsnightout

The kids are growing up and you are alone in the house. 
Mix 106 and Kate want to help you Cut The Cord! 

If your child is going off to kindergarten or college
email Kate and tell her why you are having trouble cutting the cord
and why a night out might help you LET GO!  

Kate will take you in style on Saturday, August 29th in a Limousine,
to dinner, and then out partying at all the downtown hot spots. 

Or if you know of a girlfriend who fits this description
of having trouble letting go, NOMINATE HER TODAY!
You could be the friend she brings along!

All entries must be submitted by Wednesday August 26th at 5pm
Four moms will be chosen and each one can bring a friend!!!

Hurry and email Kate today!

Oh man!  When you have the niche (like me) and you can follow the rules…WHY would you NOT enter???  I don’t know either…so I got to writing!

Some names were changed to protect the innocent.  (Ok, not really…innocence would be bliss at this point)

Kate –

I can not believe my life is actually a contest.   Who (in their right mind) would want to win something for this daily hysteria?  

My Dad called me just a few minutes ago, and could hardly breathe he was laughing so hard.  He’d heard the radio commercial for this contest and instantly broke out in hysterics.   My mom had been telling him that I had an anxiety attack yesterday because I’m not ready to let go yet. 

This is where you might want to either hit the ladies room, or grab the tissue.  I’m not sure which would be better.  

BabyAm is my “only” daughter.  She is beautiful, 17, she graduated a year early, and she just started college yesterday.   That in itself is enough (for me) to understand why I’m having trouble cutting the cord, right?! 

What you are about to read is no joke, I made myself sick yesterday, it just got worse and worse as the day went on.   To be honest, I have too many issues with letting go to even name them all here, so I’ll just give you a taste. 

I’m am embarrassed to say that she took drivers-ed – 2 summers ago!   And on Friday, yes…the last business day before college started, she took her driving skills test (passed with flying colors) and got her actual drivers license!   I know, you’re wondering…what kind of a mother is this woman?   I have panic attacks when I’m riding in vehicles with anyone, so I have had a really hard time teaching her to drive our 5-speed Honda.   And in pure “Mother Form”, I put this off until the very last minute, and I am sure she was terrified that her “Mommy” would be driving her to college…the poor thing.   

Thankfully, after a couple errands (with phone calls at each stop/start location) over the weekend, she was ready to venture out into the real world where stupid people drive like maniacs, cutting each other off, tailgating, and then honk at new drivers for accidentally stalling their car.  I think here is where I’m supposed to mention that I followed her to school, and as she pulled into the parking lot with her permit showing perfectly in her window…the attendant waved her in.   I however, got stopped given the third degree and finally after telling my pathetic story I got to watch her park, reminded her to roll up the windows, lock the car, have a good day then I kissed her goodbye and drove away like the loser I am.  

You would think this story would end here…it doesn’t.   I was broken hearted that she didn’t call and talk to me for the entire hour between classes, because she had met a friend (…really?  Where does this leave me…the Mom?), and she called me as she was walking to class (only because she “had to”, I’m sure).   

My husband and I watched her little ICON on our BlackBerry’s Google Maps (Latitude) as she made her way home, refreshing often.   This was only after being without her for a total of 4.5 hours.   Pathetic.   She arrived safely back in the comfort of her mother’s loving (fanatical) arms only to make a sandwich, talk about her day and head back down to her night class.  Then…her dad mentioned checking the gas gauge!  No!   I had to accompany her out there, sure enough…almost empty.   She assured me she could fill the tank herself, and drove out of the driveway.  

Panic set in.   Does she know how to pump gas?  Does she know what side the gas tank is on?  Does she know how to use her debit card in the pump?   Will she remember to put the cap back on?   What if she is late to class?  What if she’s in such a hurry to get to class after taking sooooo long to pump gas, that she gets in an accident, she’s only had her license for 3 days…OMG, she’s all alone out there, pumping gas…why didn’t I teach her how to do this before?  Again…what kind of Mother am I? 

Class was from 6-9pm.   As each hour went by, my headache pounded harder, the lump in my throat got bigger, all I wanted to do was cry and throw up.   What if she got followed out of her classroom, to the parking lot…did she have her pepper-spray?  

I will tell you from the bottom of my heart the minute she walked in the door SAFE and in ONE piece…I instantly started feeling better.   I just needed my little girl to be home.   Can’t I just send her back to Kindergarten where she actually NEEDS me to do things for her?  

Today…she only had one class, first thing in the morning.  She was home before I noticed she was gone.   I’m great today.   She’s doing homework, I’m sitting next to her scrapbooking.  Just like yesterday never happened.  Until tomorrow when it starts all over, and she gets a flat tire. 

I think that I could use this night out with You (Mix 106) and “The Girls” to help me cut the cord.  I need it to remind me that I’m still young, I’ve taught her well and I should trust that she is very capable and also that if my best friend from high school can send her beautiful, only daughter off to the Army (without following her) then I should be able to “cut the cord” too. 

Please tell me there is someone out there worse than I am? 

Please?

Humiliated, I enter this “Cut the Cord” contest, nominating myself…because I absolutely NEED to LET GO!!  

OMG, did I just share that with you all???  Wow.  

I passed this entry around (before actually sending it in) to a couple friends to see if they thought I could win…DUH!   And then there were a few that wanted to nominate me…that’s scary!  Even scarier?   When you’re stupid enough to email it out to a few friends so that they could nominate you as well—-and I’m not even going to ask you to imagine how creepy it is to actually push the send button, emailing it to someone who could make it public!  (OMG, I’m going to do that too!)

After this disaster…What could my next post be about?   Stay tuned!