Posts Tagged ‘Family’

My head has been a non-stop, unfocused, overthinking…circle of emotions.  My only comparison?   A hamster wheel.  I’m tired.

For the past two years +, my life has been beaten down, broken, hopeless at times and then attempted to be glued back together with broken promises, lies and manipulation.  As each day passes, some things do feel like they are falling into place, but then…my head starts spinning again.

I lose it.  I lose my ability to be concerned with myself because I’m so focused on everyone else.  Wanting to help. Be there to catch them.  Be the fixer.  The caregiver.   I feel like I am the only one who can do it all.  I don’t want to let go.

I want to be the one who keeps the friendships together, but why when the majority of them aren’t putting in any effort?  The one who checks in on Family who has no one else to visit with, to share with.   I don’t want anything in return.  Just to know my presence is welcomed.

BabyAm is no longer my “baby”…that’s a hard chunk to swallow.  She has put herself in the shitty situation she’s in, all by herself.  As a Mom, I can’t stand watching her learn the hard way.  I gave her the easy directions but they must have been misplaced somewhere along the way. I believe in her.  I have blind faith that she will continue to work through the mud and guck that got her stuck here in the first place.   She’s beautiful and smart…although sometimes to her detriment, but I know she can succeed in anything she puts her mind to!

She has been living at the Women’s Mission for about 7 weeks now.  That does not feel right.  Though we set a date for her to move out, the courts took her out 1st, ordered her to the Women’ Mission and among other things, placed a no contact order on our house.  We can still see her, just not here.  That makes things almost impossible.  She’s working a full time day job, has Drug court classes 4 nights a week, AA meetings and strict curfew rules at the shelter.  Did I just say shelter…ugh.  No parent should have to go through this.  I rarely get to see her and even talking or texting is hit and miss with her schedule.  Sober friends usually get her free time, which breaks my heart but I try and understand she’s trying to grow up and help us both let go of each other.   I hate it. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a daughter…I feel an empty spot where she’s supposed to be.  She’s where she is supposed to be tho.  She will get the direction she needs from others to grow and flourish in this big world. The world that needs her experiences to pass on to others who need comfort and encouragement, from someone who KNOWS and understands just where they are, loves/accepts them for just who they are until they can love themselves.   I know this all has happened for a reason.  I can’t wait to see what great things come out of this!!

As for me, I’ve been to counseling off and on, been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, BiPolar II, and been re diagnosed with ADHD.  Fun stuff.  2 years of taking my mood stabilizer for the BiPolar, I began having tremors.  Gradually getting worse and worse.  So much that my beautiful hand writing looked just like a 90 year old man’s.  Very rough.  I felt as if I was going to go crazy.  Not being able to text, to type on the laptop keyboard, not being able to hold a fork steady enough to get it into my mouth, or keep my legs from bouncing up and down (in public no less).

All of this happening while changing med doctors 3 times, and counselor twice… No fault of my own.  The newest med doc started from the beginning with me, and immediately took me off the medicine she thought was causing the tremors…6 weeks later…90% better! Writing like my own self again.  Some days are worse than others but anything is better than it was!  She changed up my meds and decided that I needed to feel all these emotions right now.  That it’s healthy, and I’ve been so numbed up the past couple years that it was time to experience the reality of hurt, concern, anger and to feel happiness when I’m able.  I didn’t like hearing it, but I understood and accepted it.

Add into my own issues…KKs cancer returned, in her lungs this time and into her brain just as quickly.  She started out with 5 tumors in her brain…it’s now up to 8.  Some of them are new, some have grown, and a couple stayed the same.  She has two new lymph nodes growing in her lung in addition to the cancer mass.  In January (2014), the doctor gave her 6-12 months.  It’s now August. Her daughter GI Jane is expecting a little boy the end of Dec/1st of Jan…her 1st grandbaby!  Today started her 3rd round of radiation.   Possibly a third round of chemo as well…hoping for a few more months.  I want to be there for her again at every appointment, every radiation etc…but sometimes I don’t feel welcomed by others in her family.  They weren’t the ones sitting with her all day during chemo, watching the nurses pump poision into her some days now are harder than others, but I manage.  Crying after almost every appointment once I get to my car.

Selfish moment here because I’m not the only one feeling this horrible heartache…but this is my best friend.  She’s only 44.  Why her?   Watching this happen for the past 4 1/2 years has been devastating. Seeing her sick, lose her hair, have blood clots in her legs, develop steroid induced diabetes that put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Her family…my heart just aches for them.   A daughter who is also going to lose her best friend and mother, a Grandbaby on the way, 8 year old little man and a husband who just got told that he needs back surgery ASAP…and his career is over.  What more can be throw at this precious family?

And on the home front here…well my rock, my wonderful…loving…patient…kind husband has his hands full at work.  He has been out of town so much this past year, and this month we have figured he will be gone 20 out of 31 days.  Tough.  We are trying to get used to the “Empty Nest” again but it’s even more empty without him.  I know that’s how he supports us, so I support him and his job. It doesn’t make it suck any less tho.  This man is my world.  I love him dearly.

There’s still more to share, but another day.

Overall, things are ok.  Very up and down. Just like me every night.  But it’s just still gotta be “One Day at a Time”.  Right?  Sometimes one hour, one minute, one second…

I was given an assignment by a temporary sponsor this past week to make a list of 10 Things I am Grateful For.   I have been trying to do it for months.  So, here it is, in all it’s glory.   I don’t know if it’s right, I don’t know if it needs tweaking but at 4:45am on Sunday June 9th, 2013…these are the things I was grateful for.

  1. Husband who loves me, and puts up with me…treats me like a queen.
  2. Mother who loves me unconditionally and has helped me grow by learning lessons she couldn’t teach me, because I needed to do it on my own
  3. Divorced first husband, but got my darling daughter out of that marriage, and ultimately out of that atmosphere.
  4. Though darling daughter has chosen the rocky path, she still has both feet on the ground and is trying to get back to the junction where the more smooth path lies.  And she’s alive, clean and sober.
  5. I have a roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and amenities I don’t need because my husband works hard to take care of his family.
  6. That I’m not alone, there are others who know how I  feeling, how I have felt, and how I am going to feel…they are there for me to encourage me, and offer strength and hope.
  7. That finally after several years I have a medical diagnosis and am taking the proper medication, and have someone monitoring my progress.  I am more balanced.
  8. I am free.  I am free to go for a walk, to make choices, to say yes/no with out explanation.  I am free to be myself, and have myself shine through inside and out.
  9. I am loved unconditionally by my family. That is amazing.
  10. My problems can all be solved with acceptance, once I am ready to admit, and give in to being powerless over everything…except myself.

Unfortunately the weekend didn’t go how I would have hoped.   I was actually happy to see it come to an end if the truth be known.  Never thought I’d say that.  Never in a million years.

The most bothersome of the weekend that was an assumption about a friend of ours.  A great friend.   An assumption that just made my head explode.   It was handled so poorly to begin with that it just spiraled out of control, which sent my blood pressure through the roof, and my heart to my sleeve yet again.   I wear it there a good portion of the time, sadly.

I honestly believe that if you want to judge me.   Fine.  Enjoy yourself.  You’re the one missing out, and you’re the one who’s true colors are seen very vividly.  But when you start judging my friends, that is when you’ve really stuck a knife in my gut…

I’ll admit freely, that I am one who actually does judge a book by it’s cover.  An actual book…that you read…with paper and words in it.   Mostly because I’m not an avid reader and if the cover and 2 paragraph summary doesn’t catch my attention, I know I won’t read it and move on to the next one.  HOWEVER, when it comes to people.  Living, breathing, walking, talking people…THAT is something that I have learned (yes, learned…the hard way) to never do.

I don’t care what you look like.  I don’t care what color your skin, eyes or hair is.  I don’t care if you are into classical music or doom metal.  I really could care less if you are tattooed, pierced or as plain jane as they come.   Whether you are working or not, have a Ferrari or a bicycle.  That means nothing to me about your character.

What I care about is how you treat people, how loving and caring is your heart.   Would you be there for me if I needed you?  Would you stand up for me, would you put your reputation on the line?  Would you welcome me in if it was cold, or a ride home if it was raining?  Would you trust me with your children, and that I can trust you with mine?  Are your morals equal to mine?  Are my personal thoughts and feelings safe with you?

I truly believe that it’s not about the outside, it’s about what’s on the inside that counts.  Said so many times, but is it ever described…is it really something people believe, or do they just say it when it’s convenient?   I know that I live it.

If you know me, really know me.  I think you would shake your head and say “Yes, she does live it”.  If you don’t, I hope you know it now.  I don’t like hypocrites, I don’t like people who are racist, I don’t like people who are judgmental and ignorant.

I am proud of the company I keep.  I am obviously protective too.  I hope that the next time you look at someone who looks differently than you, that you stop and wonder how HUGE their heart is, or what pain they might have been/are going through.  Because, it’s those that hide it, who keep their guard up (in what ever way), those that choose to be different…that I have found to be the most genuine.

When you judge my friends, you judge me…and that is something I take very personally.  My friends and family are my most precious treasures.

Today is a good Monday.  I put into words my feelings and I’m going to share it with all of you.

For BabyAm;  I love you.
You are my anti-drug.

Originally written March 23, 2006, by BabyAm age (almost 14).

My Family

When I wake up in the morning and see the sun – my family is what makes me warm.

When I’m lonely and sad my family is there for me, they hug me and tell me it will be alright.

When I’m happy they are always there to share my joy, to celebrate with me and kiss me.

When they look at me, call me, wave at me or email me I just have to smile because I love them so much.

But dope and alcohol can’t make you warm, they can’t hug or kiss you, sure it can make you smile but that’s because you’re stoned or drunk. It can never love you like your family can.

That’s why my family is my anti-drug.

My Writing

When I feel the pen hit the paper it’s like nothing can stop me, like I have no limits.

It’s when no on can influence me, tell me what to think, to write, to say or do.

It’s just me the pen, paper, and my own thoughts.

It’s when my imagination can run wild and free where anything counts and isn’t wrong.

It’s so fun to watch the pen dance on the paper trying so hard to catch up my thoughts and it never stops till I want it to.

And when I think about what weed and alcohol can do to your brain, your heart, your soul, your body, my pen just goes faster and faster and pushes on no matter how bad my hand hurts.

Then when I stop and look up to find out what I’m writing I read it and laugh, and I just keep going on and on because that’s what I can do without drugs and drinking.

You know why? Writing is my Anti-drug.

My books – Reading

Whenever I pick up a book I have an unspoken goal, a point I want to get to.

It makes me feel like I’m there, like I’m in a movie, where I control the characters and when they stop and go, where I can pause it in my mind.

I can go somewhere safe and escape from reality, I don’t need drugs or drinking to do that.

Reading can’t hurt me, can’t kill me, can’t make me feel worthless.

I get into it so much that I’m my own character, and I dream about being in the book.

Reading inspires me, makes me happy, it gives me a natural high that I don’t need drugs or alcohol to do.

I don’t even need to be prepared because all I need is my eyes and imagination.

It’s what I do. Reading is my anti-drug.

My Music

If I can feel the beat, hear the sound, sing along, or hum the tune you know I’m game.

I’ll dance like no one’s watching, I’ll sing like I’ve never sang before, and I’ll listen to the lyrics tell me a story.

When you’re high or so drunk that you don’t care and don’t appreciate it, well that offends me.

I love the music with all my heart and if you don’t respect it then you don’t respect me, and you better not cross my path because you don’t want to mess with me.

Club drugs and alcohol may make you dance and be happy but when I dance, it’s a different happy.

It’s a “I’m healthy, strong and don’t need painful, killing drugs or alcohol in my system” happy that makes me want to dance all night.

Oh and incase you didn’t know music is my life, music is my anti-drug.

My Future

When I look around and see what drugs and drinking has done to people I say to myself: “That’ll never be me.”

When I listen to the wrong decisions people have made in the past I say to myself: “I’ll never do that.”

When I see the successful people walking amongst me and they’re smart choices, I say to myself: “I hope that’ll be me!”

When I look up to the people who’ve made it far in life and without drugs or drinking I say to myself: “I hope that’s me someday!”

I say these things in hope for a better future, a great success story to tell to my grandchildren, to be known for something great in life.

I say these things for I choose my own future and I want that college education, I want the life that I choose without drugs or drinking for my children too.

I want to be like someone like them with people looking up to me because of something I did.

My life is my future and I wont let it get wasted, therefore it is my anti-drug.




Some Secrets are sooooo Hard to Keep – Part 1

Impatiently Waiting – Part 2

Now it’s party time!    We made it into the counseling office just in time.   The Dark Knight had been called out of his class by both the counseling office and the attendance office.   And when he walked in he was completely in shock (happy shock though) and the only words he could say were “Um, does my mom know you’re here?” and he gave big hugs to all of us.    Way cool!!!!

DSC_4799 What a cutie huh?   Hard to believe he turned 18 on last Sunday.   He’s a great young man, we are so proud of him.

We took him for a quick lunch then back for a meeting he had, and when he finally was done with school stuff we loaded him and Sailor Girl in the car and headed off to see her horse, Beauty.  (I have tons more pictures from the stables but I know I need to save space for the party!)

DSC_4827 We stopped at the store, grabbed some much needed supplies for the b-day dinner, several containers of ice-cream!  YUM!

Their home is beautiful and nested down in sort of a gorge type area.  Lots of trees surrounding it.

DSC_4843DSC_4845DSC_4846DSC_4851     DSC_4849 DSC_4850 Ah…berries, I’m thinking blackberries…don’t they look yummy???  I had been complaining about wanting to stop to pick some, all the way from the store to the house, because the bushes were everywhere…and they kept telling me that there weren’t any…LIARS!   These however were JUST BARELY out of my reach in the back yard! *sigh*

Time to head in.   Time for Hubby to see The Dark Knight’s Mom for the first time in 7 years.  Not just see her, but spend the evening with her and a bunch of people from their years together.    A little un-nerving, to say the least, for all of us.

DSC_4842We were warmly welcomed in and got the teenager tour (quick).  This room we were particularly interested in, because it was nothing like we’d ever seen.  WOW!   BabyAm will get a bit more grace I’m sure from now on from Dad.  LOL – Can you imagine?  And the rest of the house looked just the opposite! 

DSC_4856 DSC_4855Scary!  Be careful, you could get lost (or eaten alive) in there!

I’m just going to post some party pictures, it’s so hard for me to tell you who all these people are and how they fit in to The Dark Knight’s life.   Everyone was very nice, very accommodating and fun to visit with.

I know he’s sittin here thinkin…let’s just ease into this evening.   My parents are all here, friends and family are starting to arrive and I need to just “chill” for a bit.DSC_4831  Colorful pens and paper set out to write “words of wisdom” on for The Dark Knight.


Does she look like she’s got some serious words of wisdom, or what?

DSC_4832Yep, The Dark Knight thinks “Or what”!  LOL


DSC_4884 DSC_4854 DSC_4862 DSC_4864DSC_4881 DSC_4882 DSC_4883 DSC_4889 DSC_4904 DSC_4925 DSC_4929 DSC_4932 DSC_4936 DSC_4941

Happy 18th Birthday Dark Knight!!!!! DSC_4943DSC_4945 DSC_4983

I kinda look like I have the “bossy cow” look goin on.
I wonder what I was talkin about…DSC_5000 I can however say, that when someone cooks for me,
my instinct (Thanks Mom) is to help clean up!

  Guess this next one could be considered helping clean up too?
In her defense…those were the best mashed baked potatoes I’ve ever had!

DSC_5003  DSC_5013DSC_5011This is the shield that The Dark Knight asked for on his birthday list that we got him.  It is  custom made funky thing.   It’s strange to us…BUT he was jacked!   We made him promise to show us his progress on it.  It’s basically a blank canvas (obviously) and he has already designed his crests.   DSC_5023

This last one is one for the scrapbook! 
None of us ever thought we would see this picture! 
It really is a great one!

Wish we could have gotten a picture of the 6 of us!
Maybe at Graduation!DSC_4871

Just so you know, I have one more post left of this trip…its on our way home.   We made a special stop and I can’t wait to share it with all of you.  Don’t forget to come back.

These pictures illustrate just how long it’s been
since our kids were in the same room together, 
SIX very long years. 

2003 – At Grandma and Grandpas


And now…
2009 – At Our house (well, family pictures, but still)


My how they have grown!   Wow.

We got our family pictures back last night.  I can’t tell you how much I love seeing them.  I love seeing all 3 of OUR kids together in one room again.  I love seeing all 5 of the kids together showing so much love and fun as teenagers.  But most of all I am emotionally overwhelmed at the feeling of seeing pictures like this…


This is OUR FAMILY, and my heart breaks that they can not all live with us full time.  I love my family, every single one of them, as if they were my very own!!!

Here’s our kids! – All 3 together! 


The Dark Knight, Freckles & BabyAm!

Yesterday we kept BabyAm and Belt Buckle out of school
(I know, bad parents! – Don’t judge me!  LOL)
and we all had some wonderful family pictures taken!  
We won’t get them back for about 2 weeks, or so…
but I do have some  of the 3 kids to share that will tide you over.

This is the REAL thing my friends…what a zoo!












When we get “to that point” with the kids, we lock them up!

The Dark Knight has been such a stinker, we had to do something! 
Here’s a perfect example. 


Yep, don’t make the parents mad!  That’s our motto!  LOLOLOL