Posts Tagged ‘BabyAm’

I have to admit, that being a mom is one of the hardest jobs anyone can ever have.   You hear people all the time say how rewarding it is, and how they (whoever THEY are) wouldn’t trade it for the world.   I believe those things too.   You don’t hear as often though, how draining it is, how easily it is to have your heart broken by watching them making mistakes that change the rest of their lives, by seeing others sabotage their progression of change and success and by having to sit back and let them take their own path.

My mom says I should write a book. A book about all the things we’ve gone through, or should I say that I’ve gone through. That would cover most of the WE part, because I certainly have not had to endure this all alone.   Sometimes it’s felt like it; ok it does feel like it…daily.   But I’m not alone; I just try to bare the burden myself. I don’t think anyone else should have to.

Life is just like they say (again with the THEY), a rollercoaster. Up and down, spinning in circles, making you sick enough to want to throw up and at other times laugh so hard you spit and pee. I sometimes I wonder if I’d rather be on a slow moving train across the country.   Patience however is not my virtue. It never has been.

I am the extreme hands-on parent, the “just let me do it” parent, and the “you’re not doing it right” parent. It’s not right, because it’s not MY way.   I have serious control issues, and I am an expert at micro managing.   I get so frustrated, when I’ve tried so hard to stand back and watch, and it’s not happening the way I think it should, I completely lose it. Crazy breaks out into a whole new level.   This doesn’t make for a very good productive and balanced relationship. I don’t know how to stop.   They say (who the hell are THEY), that control is an addiction.   Well, if I’m not the poster child for that one…

I wrote a ton of notes the other night, before a meeting with someone I thought might be able help me understand some of the double standard we are experiencing.   I wanted to assure myself that I was not completely off my rocker.   In that conversation I didn’t want to play the name game, the victim, or make excuses for anything, so I wrote down what I thought might be worth sharing.   And during that time of reflection and searching, for the right and most politically correct words to express my frustrations and anger, I actually was able to define how I felt at that very moment as a mom.

Need me; I’m a mom.
Ask for guidance; I advise.
Trust no one; I’m a friend.
Manipulate and lie; I’m gone.

That says it all. The lady I met with validated my feelings, shared her frustrations as well and gave me suggestions that I didn’t want to hear. None of it was immediate, and none of it was a guarantee.   It could potentially do more harm than good.   I was thinking more along the lines of plotting revenge, and was hoping for a partner in crime.

BUT
Isn’t there always a BUT?

But, as a mom…I can’t be “gone”, I can’t just “walk away”, I can’t just “give up”.  Mothers don’t do that.   My mom never ONCE gave up on me.   She didn’t always (and still doesn’t) like some of the choices I’ve made. She’s let me fall, and been there to help pick me up if I couldn’t manage it myself.   She has always been my rock.   I need to be that too. But damn it, sometimes these situations feel like they are impossible to turn around.

Why do people (as a whole) not just my daughter…manipulate? Lie blatantly; leave out parts of the truth.   Everyone has done it. No one is perfect.   I don’t expect perfect from ANYONE.   I can’t.   That leaves too much room for disappointment.   But then I’m back to thinking it has to be MY way. No wonder my daughter is afraid of me, and doesn’t want to share with me, tell me the horrible truths she keeps locked inside…and why she doesn’t want to disappoint me.   Because in her mind, based on my actions, she can’t be “perfect”. So why try.   My God. I feel like a monster.

For 22 years, I’ve struggled to teach her the truth about everything. The most important of those truths is to expect only the best of herself and for herself, because she deserves it.   To realize that life just isn’t ever fair.   (That is the lesson in life that NO ONE really can get his or her head around.) I guarantee I have told her entirely too much about my past, in hopes she would not make the same mistakes I’ve made throughout the years. I know I’m not the first person to say, that specific kind of parenting, no matter how you slice it, does NOT work like you think it should. Where is that Parenting Handbook, hasn’t it been written by now? I think there is a niche for it, and it would be a bigger success than the Crock Pot “Fix it and Forget it” cookbooks.

Going back to the thought about writing a book describing the multitude of learning experiences that have happened in our lives, to share with others, the battle scars and the successful achievements…I wouldn’t even know where to begin. And honestly, what a depressing read.

The last 22 months have been literally just like a puppet show. The puppet masters are holding the strings, dangling their control to the audience of life. Watching it is like being in the middle of a B rated horror show and having the chainsaw being waved in front of you, while you’re begging for them to just kill you and get it over with. Sounds pretty dramatic, doesn’t it? YES! It’s pretty accurate, and I want my money back.

Whoever said life is like a box of chocolates, is a liar. Real life is like being a bug, just waiting for someone to poison you, just after you’ve gotten your family all settled in somewhere safe, left to die a slow death. Or, I suppose it could also be like constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop and smash you into the serrated concrete, only to be thankful you went quickly.   Even the roses that smell good in the spring and summer eventually rot. I’m sure that’s why “take time to smell the roses” is such a well-known reference. They won’t always smell as sweet or look as pretty as they do in that moment.

And there again is that imaginary roller coaster that I want off so badly, because I constantly feel like vomiting.   Instead of “you must be this tall to ride”, it should say “you must not have children yet”, so the other laughing passengers can enjoy the ride, without having to change their clothes afterward.

My daughter is “The Center” of my universe.   Some may not think it’s healthy, for either of us, but until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes…

I’m learning from her every day. I’m watching her grow stronger every day in her sobriety (22 months!), watching her use her newfound tools to break through the doors that keep getting closed just as she’s trying to walk through them. Watching her setting boundaries with others, and someday she’ll be confident enough to set them for herself, and trust them. These are things that I struggle to do myself.

She’s so much like me. Some days we are able to step outside ourselves and see the future in the sun and clear skies and other days, stuck in a shit storm seeing no shelter in sight.   Unfortunately, we feed off each other. I know I’m supposed to be the strong one. That’s somewhere in my non-existent job description I’m sure of it, but is also one piece of parenting I feel very unqualified for.

Obviously, in our situation, running away is not an option. And truthfully there isn’t anywhere that would actually take away all of the difficulties that are going on forever.   I wouldn’t want anyone else’s problems, mine aren’t life threatening, so I’ll just stick with what I have and keep trying to start each day with a good attitude and quit looking at yesterday. Most times that is easier said than done.

All in all, though the past several years have been heart wrenching, terrifying, frustrating and sometimes even unbearable, I have a great support system of family and friends that help keep me out of jail and out of a straight jacket.

Today I will continue to be thankful that my daughter is alive, clean and sober and above all still loves me despite my extreme level of crazy. She is my center.

We got this YO!

My head has been a non-stop, unfocused, overthinking…circle of emotions.  My only comparison?   A hamster wheel.  I’m tired.

For the past two years +, my life has been beaten down, broken, hopeless at times and then attempted to be glued back together with broken promises, lies and manipulation.  As each day passes, some things do feel like they are falling into place, but then…my head starts spinning again.

I lose it.  I lose my ability to be concerned with myself because I’m so focused on everyone else.  Wanting to help. Be there to catch them.  Be the fixer.  The caregiver.   I feel like I am the only one who can do it all.  I don’t want to let go.

I want to be the one who keeps the friendships together, but why when the majority of them aren’t putting in any effort?  The one who checks in on Family who has no one else to visit with, to share with.   I don’t want anything in return.  Just to know my presence is welcomed.

BabyAm is no longer my “baby”…that’s a hard chunk to swallow.  She has put herself in the shitty situation she’s in, all by herself.  As a Mom, I can’t stand watching her learn the hard way.  I gave her the easy directions but they must have been misplaced somewhere along the way. I believe in her.  I have blind faith that she will continue to work through the mud and guck that got her stuck here in the first place.   She’s beautiful and smart…although sometimes to her detriment, but I know she can succeed in anything she puts her mind to!

She has been living at the Women’s Mission for about 7 weeks now.  That does not feel right.  Though we set a date for her to move out, the courts took her out 1st, ordered her to the Women’ Mission and among other things, placed a no contact order on our house.  We can still see her, just not here.  That makes things almost impossible.  She’s working a full time day job, has Drug court classes 4 nights a week, AA meetings and strict curfew rules at the shelter.  Did I just say shelter…ugh.  No parent should have to go through this.  I rarely get to see her and even talking or texting is hit and miss with her schedule.  Sober friends usually get her free time, which breaks my heart but I try and understand she’s trying to grow up and help us both let go of each other.   I hate it. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a daughter…I feel an empty spot where she’s supposed to be.  She’s where she is supposed to be tho.  She will get the direction she needs from others to grow and flourish in this big world. The world that needs her experiences to pass on to others who need comfort and encouragement, from someone who KNOWS and understands just where they are, loves/accepts them for just who they are until they can love themselves.   I know this all has happened for a reason.  I can’t wait to see what great things come out of this!!

As for me, I’ve been to counseling off and on, been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, BiPolar II, and been re diagnosed with ADHD.  Fun stuff.  2 years of taking my mood stabilizer for the BiPolar, I began having tremors.  Gradually getting worse and worse.  So much that my beautiful hand writing looked just like a 90 year old man’s.  Very rough.  I felt as if I was going to go crazy.  Not being able to text, to type on the laptop keyboard, not being able to hold a fork steady enough to get it into my mouth, or keep my legs from bouncing up and down (in public no less).

All of this happening while changing med doctors 3 times, and counselor twice… No fault of my own.  The newest med doc started from the beginning with me, and immediately took me off the medicine she thought was causing the tremors…6 weeks later…90% better! Writing like my own self again.  Some days are worse than others but anything is better than it was!  She changed up my meds and decided that I needed to feel all these emotions right now.  That it’s healthy, and I’ve been so numbed up the past couple years that it was time to experience the reality of hurt, concern, anger and to feel happiness when I’m able.  I didn’t like hearing it, but I understood and accepted it.

Add into my own issues…KKs cancer returned, in her lungs this time and into her brain just as quickly.  She started out with 5 tumors in her brain…it’s now up to 8.  Some of them are new, some have grown, and a couple stayed the same.  She has two new lymph nodes growing in her lung in addition to the cancer mass.  In January (2014), the doctor gave her 6-12 months.  It’s now August. Her daughter GI Jane is expecting a little boy the end of Dec/1st of Jan…her 1st grandbaby!  Today started her 3rd round of radiation.   Possibly a third round of chemo as well…hoping for a few more months.  I want to be there for her again at every appointment, every radiation etc…but sometimes I don’t feel welcomed by others in her family.  They weren’t the ones sitting with her all day during chemo, watching the nurses pump poision into her body..so some days now are harder than others, but I manage.  Crying after almost every appointment once I get to my car.

Selfish moment here because I’m not the only one feeling this horrible heartache…but this is my best friend.  She’s only 44.  Why her?   Watching this happen for the past 4 1/2 years has been devastating. Seeing her sick, lose her hair, have blood clots in her legs, develop steroid induced diabetes that put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Her family…my heart just aches for them.   A daughter who is also going to lose her best friend and mother, a Grandbaby on the way, 8 year old little man and a husband who just got told that he needs back surgery ASAP…and his career is over.  What more can be throw at this precious family?

And on the home front here…well my rock, my wonderful…loving…patient…kind husband has his hands full at work.  He has been out of town so much this past year, and this month we have figured he will be gone 20 out of 31 days.  Tough.  We are trying to get used to the “Empty Nest” again but it’s even more empty without him.  I know that’s how he supports us, so I support him and his job. It doesn’t make it suck any less tho.  This man is my world.  I love him dearly.

There’s still more to share, but another day.

Overall, things are ok.  Very up and down. Just like me every night.  But it’s just still gotta be “One Day at a Time”.  Right?  Sometimes one hour, one minute, one second…

I am so interested to know who of her “friends” were really there for BabyAm when she was at her lowest. I would like to know who of her “friends” profess they support her and how her recovery comes first but still find it necessary to drunk text her. I know of 4 that checked on her, one out of state, one that stole her underwear and violated the privacy of her phone, another who isn’t doing so well either and then one that has shown he too…is a tool.

Interested to know how someone she cared about could put her in a potentially life altering position by taking her back to a place with so many triggers, used her and tossed her in the trash.

Interested to know why would anyone do those things to someone who is obviously vulnerable and in need of being supported and loved for who she is and where she is, without ANY temptations including but not limited to drugs…alcohol…or sex.

Interested to know why some of our friends have drifted and or are hiding from us. Do they think we have something they or their children can catch? Idiots. It’s not the common cold or a rash. It’s addiction. What are YOU ADDICTED TO? Porn? Oreos? Control?

People suck.

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I was given an assignment by a temporary sponsor this past week to make a list of 10 Things I am Grateful For.   I have been trying to do it for months.  So, here it is, in all it’s glory.   I don’t know if it’s right, I don’t know if it needs tweaking but at 4:45am on Sunday June 9th, 2013…these are the things I was grateful for.

  1. Husband who loves me, and puts up with me…treats me like a queen.
  2. Mother who loves me unconditionally and has helped me grow by learning lessons she couldn’t teach me, because I needed to do it on my own
  3. Divorced first husband, but got my darling daughter out of that marriage, and ultimately out of that atmosphere.
  4. Though darling daughter has chosen the rocky path, she still has both feet on the ground and is trying to get back to the junction where the more smooth path lies.  And she’s alive, clean and sober.
  5. I have a roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and amenities I don’t need because my husband works hard to take care of his family.
  6. That I’m not alone, there are others who know how I  feeling, how I have felt, and how I am going to feel…they are there for me to encourage me, and offer strength and hope.
  7. That finally after several years I have a medical diagnosis and am taking the proper medication, and have someone monitoring my progress.  I am more balanced.
  8. I am free.  I am free to go for a walk, to make choices, to say yes/no with out explanation.  I am free to be myself, and have myself shine through inside and out.
  9. I am loved unconditionally by my family. That is amazing.
  10. My problems can all be solved with acceptance, once I am ready to admit, and give in to being powerless over everything…except myself.

I think I need to kick things into high gear around here.   I told Hubby yesterday that even though I know I don’t have it, I feel like I have ADD.  I need to focus on something and get it done, so that I can feel accomplished.

Right now in my life, I’m trying to do so many things I can’t seem to wrap my arms around any of them.

Genealogy

  • BabyAm’s Family – Still gotta call the Matriarch of the family…I’ve been putting that off.
  • Hubby’s Family – Oh the pictures, data and organization…this hasn’t been worked on in almost 6 years and I left it undone then…
  • 2 of My Families – I’m one of those lucky ones who has two paternal families.  I need to get them off my mom’s plate and I just don’t have it in me yet.

Around the house

  • Continue to get my scrap-booking/genealogy room organized.  I keep so much stuff it’s unreal.
  • Get scrap-booking again!  I’m so behind!
  • Keep up with all my “chores”…it’s harder now with 2 kids here (Freckles is down until the weekend, and BabyAm stays here during his visits), but I love having the kids here.
  • All the other miscellaneous things I need to do…baseboards, paint, wallpaper stripping, all around fresh new look for things.

Things for me

  • Use my Gift Certificate with JoJo (and JP’s Momma, and BH) and go back to Hot Yoga.  I miss it.   I think there is a beginners class tonight…hummm…that’s a possiblity.
  • Go shopping with my Gift cards from Christmas.
  • Maybe try 2-a-days’ at the gym, or longer in the mornings.
  • Use my Gift Certificate for a 60 minute massage (from my parents @Christmas)
  • I probably need to see my shrink, since I cancelled my last appt.
  • I know I need my face “done”…ouch!
  • Oh, a pedicure would be nice, and some acrylics…sigh.

Catch up with friends:

  • Have lunch with my previous neighbor the Cycle Path…
  • Today I’m finally getting to have coffee with another previous neighbor that I haven’t seen in over a year. (I hope it doesn’t get cancelled)

Those lists are just the major things I need to do, there are so many other little minor things, too many to name.   So, if you’re bored and looking for something to keep you occupied.  Please don’t hesitate to come on over and make yourself at home.  I could use some working company.

…and in addition to all that, I’m still searching for (inner) peace.

For BabyAm;  I love you.
You are my anti-drug.

Originally written March 23, 2006, by BabyAm age (almost 14).

My Family

When I wake up in the morning and see the sun – my family is what makes me warm.

When I’m lonely and sad my family is there for me, they hug me and tell me it will be alright.

When I’m happy they are always there to share my joy, to celebrate with me and kiss me.

When they look at me, call me, wave at me or email me I just have to smile because I love them so much.

But dope and alcohol can’t make you warm, they can’t hug or kiss you, sure it can make you smile but that’s because you’re stoned or drunk. It can never love you like your family can.

That’s why my family is my anti-drug.

My Writing

When I feel the pen hit the paper it’s like nothing can stop me, like I have no limits.

It’s when no on can influence me, tell me what to think, to write, to say or do.

It’s just me the pen, paper, and my own thoughts.

It’s when my imagination can run wild and free where anything counts and isn’t wrong.

It’s so fun to watch the pen dance on the paper trying so hard to catch up my thoughts and it never stops till I want it to.

And when I think about what weed and alcohol can do to your brain, your heart, your soul, your body, my pen just goes faster and faster and pushes on no matter how bad my hand hurts.

Then when I stop and look up to find out what I’m writing I read it and laugh, and I just keep going on and on because that’s what I can do without drugs and drinking.

You know why? Writing is my Anti-drug.

My books – Reading

Whenever I pick up a book I have an unspoken goal, a point I want to get to.

It makes me feel like I’m there, like I’m in a movie, where I control the characters and when they stop and go, where I can pause it in my mind.

I can go somewhere safe and escape from reality, I don’t need drugs or drinking to do that.

Reading can’t hurt me, can’t kill me, can’t make me feel worthless.

I get into it so much that I’m my own character, and I dream about being in the book.

Reading inspires me, makes me happy, it gives me a natural high that I don’t need drugs or alcohol to do.

I don’t even need to be prepared because all I need is my eyes and imagination.

It’s what I do. Reading is my anti-drug.

My Music

If I can feel the beat, hear the sound, sing along, or hum the tune you know I’m game.

I’ll dance like no one’s watching, I’ll sing like I’ve never sang before, and I’ll listen to the lyrics tell me a story.

When you’re high or so drunk that you don’t care and don’t appreciate it, well that offends me.

I love the music with all my heart and if you don’t respect it then you don’t respect me, and you better not cross my path because you don’t want to mess with me.

Club drugs and alcohol may make you dance and be happy but when I dance, it’s a different happy.

It’s a “I’m healthy, strong and don’t need painful, killing drugs or alcohol in my system” happy that makes me want to dance all night.

Oh and incase you didn’t know music is my life, music is my anti-drug.

My Future

When I look around and see what drugs and drinking has done to people I say to myself: “That’ll never be me.”

When I listen to the wrong decisions people have made in the past I say to myself: “I’ll never do that.”

When I see the successful people walking amongst me and they’re smart choices, I say to myself: “I hope that’ll be me!”

When I look up to the people who’ve made it far in life and without drugs or drinking I say to myself: “I hope that’s me someday!”

I say these things in hope for a better future, a great success story to tell to my grandchildren, to be known for something great in life.

I say these things for I choose my own future and I want that college education, I want the life that I choose without drugs or drinking for my children too.

I want to be like someone like them with people looking up to me because of something I did.

My life is my future and I wont let it get wasted, therefore it is my anti-drug.

 

 

 

Havin a rough Empty Nest Night.

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I heard this song today.   I love it.   I love her voice, I love the name of the song, I love the lyrics and I love that it is meant for all the Punks out there.   And this one I personally dedicate for my daughter to everyone’s favorite Punk.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&w=500&h=311]

Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts

I know I can’t take one more step towards you
Cause all that’s waiting is regret
And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

In trying to find a proper title for this post this song came to mind…

Toby Keith – I wanna talk about me.

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think
What I like
What I know
What I want
What I see

Thing is…I am not sure who this post really is about.   Ok, it’s about me.

I know I have issues.   I do.  I however, unlike some, am trying to figure out if I’m alone, with a bunch of other “on the verge of tears” mothers, or if I’m just completely insane.   I know you want to, but don’t answer that question just yet.

I wonder…am I vain? Stuck up?  Do I think I’m better than everyone else?  Do I honestly believe that there is no one else goes through this kind of B.S.?

I am the best mom, wife, friend and daughter I can be.  I am pretty sure that none of it comes easy for anyone else either…so why don’t I share my trials and tribulations with my friends?   How is it that I can share ‘this’ with YOU, ‘that’ with HER and then ‘this other crap’ with HIM?

Why can’t I just tell ALL of my friends and family ALL of it?

I’ve come to the conclusion (whether it’s right or wrong) that I don’t want you to judge me, my husband, or my daughter…and though I really believe that no one wants to be judgmental…they still are.

Some of my friends have said very sweet things to me to help me through these tough times.  Things like: she is in college, she is working, she’s not pregnant or doing drugs…(yes but did you know that she’s really great about putting herself in dangerous situations and one of my biggest fears is having the police tell me they found her dead in a dumpster?)    And other things like:  Just because she choses to make bad decisions, doesn’t mean it’s a refection on you or your parenting, it’s her choice.  (yes, but OMG do you not realize that I have taught her better?  If “A” could=$$$ and “B” could=Trouble…she will 99% of the time chose “B”.    Is she purposely trying to make me look like an idiot?  I think I can do that on my own thank you very much.)

Ya.  Welcome to my nightmare.

Recently I had one of my dear friends ask me if she had offended me or if she’d done something wrong because there was something that didn’t feel right about our relationship and it had been that way for a while.   That was very tough for me to answer when I have so much in my head about all of this.   I did the best I could.   I told her no, that we just don’t have as many things in common anymore.  Her kids are young, mine is not.  (I left it at that.)   I don’t know if I should have gone on to say…I scrapbook, make cards, and do a little genealogy here and there.  I have found solace in working for myself, helping other couples have the wonderful relationship opportunity that I have.  I sometimes go to the gym, email, and blog.  I love everything about technology.  She doesn’t do any of those things.   It doesn’t mean I don’t love her any less.  We are just at different points in our lives, I’m sure we will be in the same place again, and it hopefully will not seem like even a moment has past.  It’s just not that time right now for us.   And I don’t know what to do about that.

Each of my friends plays such a different role in my life.  There is a poem about that….

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;
their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

My point (there are so many sorry) is that I have so much to learn/gain/glean from each of my friends and family members but my insecurities right now are more prevalent than my head wants to believe.

One of the reasons that really stands out as to why I don’t share it ALL with everyone, is that I have friends and family who have children who (as seen through my eyes) are “scary” perfect.

Wow… now am I being judgmental?   That is not my intent.  I’m just working through this stuff.   I know that everyone has their own issues personally and with their children…but I don’t know what those issues are…so I assume there aren’t any because they know how to parent properly.    OMG my thinking is so twisted!!

I hear (the voices in my head) saying if only you did this…or didn’t do that.  What were you thinking when you let this happen?   Didn’t you see that coming?   Why didn’t you find a church after you left the “BIG” one?  Were you being too picky?   Would that have changed things?  Who knows.  So many “what if’s”…

I know there are a few people who read my blog that don’t really know me.  Really KNOW me—

I know there are friends from high school that I haven’t hung out with in years, or ever.  And how about an “ex” spouse or two, or three.  Not to mention both friends and family who have never met me…

—and frankly could think that I might be off my rocker, and/or unstable.   Thanks so much for the vote of confidence.    I say that with a giggle…really I do.   (Does this straight jacket come in Pink?)

But you know…here’s the thing.   I’m vomiting what others think/feel but are scared, ashamed, or are maybe too personally private to actually come out and say.  I know, from the bottom of my heart, that I cannot be the only one going through my own personal parenting HELL.

I also know that if you’ve not been in this spot yet, are not here right now, or seriously think that you won’t ever be here…ok yeah.  Be prepared because you WILL wake up from that Fairytale dream soon enough.  Enjoy it while you can.

Bullying, teen trash talk, locker partners stealing, friends who stab you in the back, boyfriends that are less than desirable, girlfriends who lead you on…the list goes on and on.   These wonderful life experiences don’t discriminate because you went to church, or your kid was in soccer or dance.   I thought mine was going to devour an entire library at one point because she couldn’t stop reading.    She even read about the crap that is going on now…so that was some seriously wasted reading time.

One of my favorite parenting life experiences, that some of you might not want to believe, is a tough one to swallow.  Ready?    Did you know that your precious child WILL actually LIE to you, point blank, right to your face.   Yes, they WILL.  You just might not know, or want to know.   It will crush you.  After all…you taught them better, right?

Your child does not/will not swear right?  Will not sneak out, have premarital sex, drink, smoke, do drugs, have a fake ID.    Will not shoplift, will not leave the house in one outfit and change into another around the corner.  Your child will not look at porn, will not talk to strangers, will not meet someone on the Internet.  <Heavy Sigh>

You talked until you were blue in the face.  You will continue to do it.   You have taken all the steps to ensure Internet safety (from all the freaks) and safe surfing (so they don’t have to wash their eyes out with bleach)… You have even shared all the stories on the news about kids being kidnapped, raped and killed.  And you didn’t forget to discuss consequences like jail and how babies are made, STD’s and HIV.   <Insert another heavy sigh here>

Wow, really there’s more…?

  • morals
  • values
  • politics
  • religion
  • respect
  • …and that list goes on too.

I am telling you all of this because I needed to work through this stage of parenting with someone (all of you).  I needed to remind myself that I am not alone.   Each and every one of you will have your own issues to deal with when it comes to your children.  Some of them will be worse than mine; some of them will be trivial compared.

But the fact is still the same:  I don’t want to share the crappy stuff with any of you about what’s going on here for me as a parent, because I don’t want you to think any less of me…of my husband, my daughter or my boys.

And as I figured before I started this post, I got nowhere.

I am so blessed to know the hearts of a handful of you that read this…so I know you will tell me that you won’t judge, and that I’m free to share.   Thank you.   I will probably still not share ALL of it with ALL of you.

Why?   Because I want you all to believe that I am the best wife, best parent, best daughter, and friend out there…and that I have it all together.  And I want you to know that I have the best husband, the best daughter, the best sons and the best parents and friends out there too…because I do.

I hope you understand.  I also hope that when you feel like you’re all alone (and you’re in this spot where I am right now) that you know that no matter how bad it is you’re REALLY NOT alone, and that someone out there has it worse than you do.   For that I am sad, yet thankful.

Now you can answer me…am I alone, with a bunch of other “on the verge of tears” mothers, or am I just completely insane?

Did someone say parenting came with a manual?
If they did…THEY LIED.

Tune in next time for more fun topics like:

  • Oh, the wireless code?  That’ll be $29.95 in advance please.
  • What?  Our washer and dryer are coin operated?
  • Your house key won’t work after 1am?  I wonder why?

And my personal favorite:

  • You’re moving out?  But who will tie your shoes?

And now my wonderful friends…
I think I can finally sleep.
Goodnight Moon.   It’s 3:51am

Some friends of ours just split up. I don’t have any details and it sucks. But right now my heart is broken, my stomach is churning, I am just so confused. I thought that they were one of the happiest couples we knew. I did however know that something was up, just couldn’t put my finger on it.

We’ve always told BabyAm that you never know what’s going on inside someone else’s house.

The jerk neighbors have had “Just Married” written all over their car (that hasn’t moved since that day) for over 2 months now. Why?

Same neighbors tore out all their cat-pee bushes and threw them in their front yard (over two weeks ago) and they are still there. Their grass is dying. Now the other neighbor has quit mowing their lawn for them, so it looks quite trashy. They are not renters. Who does this?

Now the two houses we look at every day out our window look like dumps. Nice.

One more week (7 days really), and it will be ONE year since I smoked a cigarette!!!! Well, both Hubby and I…can’t leave him out. We are doing so well.

I haven’t wanted to ask, but i hope one of my sweet friends who has been trying to lick the smoking habit too, is doing good with it. If she’s reading this, maybe she’ll let me know. I’ve not stopped rooting for her. You go girl!

Cancer still sucks. Chemo sucks. All the side effects of Chemo suck too. I think it sucks that I can’t help KK. It’s starting to really piss me off.

Our vacation (that I didn’t mention yet) was wonderful…we ate our way through Portland and Seattle…but my back ached the entire time, and my ankle…still not healed.

My “To Do” list is too long for me to even start writing it out.

I haven’t felt like blogging lately. I must be going through a “season”…I don’t know if I like it. I miss getting things off my chest.

Really…they split up? I still am in shock. Hurting for them both. So unexpected.

*sigh* Thanks for the dump.