Hurting already today…

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And yesterday was so wonderful, sharing 14 years with my amazing husband.

Emotional week. I love you Mom.

I was given an assignment by a temporary sponsor this past week to make a list of 10 Things I am Grateful For.   I have been trying to do it for months.  So, here it is, in all it’s glory.   I don’t know if it’s right, I don’t know if it needs tweaking but at 4:45am on Sunday June 9th, 2013…these are the things I was grateful for.

  1. Husband who loves me, and puts up with me…treats me like a queen.
  2. Mother who loves me unconditionally and has helped me grow by learning lessons she couldn’t teach me, because I needed to do it on my own
  3. Divorced first husband, but got my darling daughter out of that marriage, and ultimately out of that atmosphere.
  4. Though darling daughter has chosen the rocky path, she still has both feet on the ground and is trying to get back to the junction where the more smooth path lies.  And she’s alive, clean and sober.
  5. I have a roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and amenities I don’t need because my husband works hard to take care of his family.
  6. That I’m not alone, there are others who know how I  feeling, how I have felt, and how I am going to feel…they are there for me to encourage me, and offer strength and hope.
  7. That finally after several years I have a medical diagnosis and am taking the proper medication, and have someone monitoring my progress.  I am more balanced.
  8. I am free.  I am free to go for a walk, to make choices, to say yes/no with out explanation.  I am free to be myself, and have myself shine through inside and out.
  9. I am loved unconditionally by my family. That is amazing.
  10. My problems can all be solved with acceptance, once I am ready to admit, and give in to being powerless over everything…except myself.

It has to be my new medicine. I am cranky again and headaches galore.

I had to change one because last month it was $15. This month $104….because THEY CAN.

My sponsor flaked out.
My shrink took a new job.
My Psych PA took a new job.
And…
My General Practioner PA left as well.

I have a head full of crap and can’t let it out. Nice.

BabyAm is 137 days clean and sober. So proud of her.

I am grateful. But extremely cranky tonight.

Yesterday I started to write this:

Today we face adversity.  I hate it.  I don’t handle BS well.  UGH.

So BabyAm finally after 35 days got to come home Wednesday night.  She’s 63 days sober today (maybe 64).  I think that’s awesome.   I’m sure it’s a wonderful feeling for her to be able to have that much time behind her.

The court system blows so much of the time, but in her case…with the Judge she has, wow did she ever get a second chance.   A blessing.  (And like I said, I don’t say that anymore in quite the same way.)

Today has started out rough though, and she was told she needs to have a plan B regarding her living arrangements.   This is not cool.   It’s so frustrating for all of us.   So now we wait.

Last night I had the first real breakdown I have had in a couple months…partially because of all the shitty events of the day, partially because I got another taste of what it feels like to be the “cancer” of the family…or that our friends might catch the family “DISEASE”…

Now add to that the bold face lies that Hubby’s ex-wife told him, and that the company we were going to have for the weekend, in March, decided not to stay with us for whatever reason…ok, it’s a total SHIT reason, and it broke my heart…and I was a wreck.

I had just started feeling like I had things together, or at least that I was doing better.   I suppose we all have setbacks.  I just didn’t think mine was going to happen within 48 hours of BabyAm being home.

I gave Facebook the finger last night too.   At least for a little while.

She came in to my room last night and rubbed my head and hand while I cried, and just loved on me.   It was nice.  I fell asleep feeling like someone understood me.

So yesterday I headed “Up North”.  I’m glad I came.

I needed to get away, maybe I was getting a little stir-crazy.   But honestly, I didn’t think about either of those things, I just knew that I absolutely HAD to come.   Reason:  My ex-husband’s, father’s, 2nd wife passed away…and he called ME.  He didn’t call any of his kids, they don’t keep in touch with him.  I do.  He told me they never cared about her.  But I did.

I didn’t have to think twice, neither did Hubby.  He told me “get your stuff packed, I’ll be there in two hours to trade you cars.”

He (will call him “Senior” for blog sake) was so happy to see me today. He had NO idea I was coming.   I told him that I was going to send him a plant to remind him of her everyday, and have something to “take care of”…so before I just waltzed right over there, I called him first. Checking in on him, which isn’t unusual.  I asked if he had company, and then if would he like some.  He was quiet.

I told him I wanted to deliver his plant to him personally and give him a hug. Then he asked with a smile in his voice “Steph…where are you?”   I giggled and said “just down the street”.

I haven’t seen him in TWENTY ONE YEARS.  That was the one and only time I had met him before today again.   My heart breaks at the thought of losing my husband after any amount of time…let alone 30 years.   Holy cow.

B and V June 17 1983

That is them in June 1983…

Life is so fragile.  We take so much of our daily lives for granted.

Right now, I’m sitting in a WARM hotel room, watching the snow fall through the window.   There are many without a warm place tonight.

Though my situation is not ideal, I still have my family to hug and kiss when others have lost their most precious gift too soon.   Too soon, it’s ALWAYS too soon.

The Gratitude List is coming…I promise.  Thanks Headless Mom for pointing me in a direction that I wasn’t really thinking about.  Imagine that.

I really think this disaster is beating me.

I’m having a heck of a time keeping my chin up.

This is a part of my life now. It’s not going to ever go away.

So hard to see your baby girl on a video screen with Jail behind her. So hard to know that she’s had to learn to function in there and that a couple days has turned into 20 so quickly.

Powerless.

Helpless.

Ugh.

I will be trying to compile a gratitude list tomorrow.

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Will we ever enjoy an “untangled” life?   I don’t think so.  I don’t think there is enough money, psychiatric help, medication, self help books, support groups, trusting friends or loving family to ever make that possible.

Can we do it within ourselves?   I don’t know.  Lists, meditation, visualization, prayer…

Will surrounding ourselves with positive, genuine, and trusting people; then cutting loose the negative toxic ones be the answer?

And if this would work, how do we differentiate?  Is there a formula to use?   Is there anyone out there with those good (and pure) qualities? Really….24/7?  I don’t believe so.

So…apparently there “IS” a formula for friendships…if you click the picture, you’ll find some interesting information posted there.  I don’t know how true any of it is, I didn’t read the whole thing, but I did see somethings that made me go hummmmm….

FFfriendshipcoefficient

All I do know is personally what I’ve been experiencing and watching unfold…MAINLY during the past 90 days of my life, ESPECIALLY in the past 45…and it is disheartening.   Truth be told, just plain inadequate all around.

A wise woman, once told me;  “Besides those closest to you (family), no one REALLY cares.”   Matter of fact I think think it was about 18 years ago…at a time, like now, in my life when I was feeling very alone.   It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it did put things into perspective for me.   She was right then, and it still holds true today.   Though I don’t have to like it.

Mothers, hold tight to your children…love them, squeeze them, kiss them as much as you possibly can.  Because someday they will grow up and you will wish they were still small, and you were still needed in the same way.

The sun is shining, and from the window it’s beautiful to see the snow clumps falling from the tree.

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Today, has been another tough day.

It started off with a phone call from BabyAm bawling, she was having a rough morning…the not knowing is frustrating us all.  She asked me to call her Attorney, since she kept getting the “call back later” recording…and so when I called (because she’s an adult and because he’s not MY attorney) the nice gal at the front desk put me into his voicemail.  He never called me back.   Expect? Become disappointed.  You’d think I would have learned this by now.

Stubbed my toes on the bed wheel…bled.   It’s hurt all day.

My shrink has the flu, so he changed his appointment with me…

Took my car into get a quote on the Catalytic Converter…needed a 5-Gas test to check to see how rich it’s running first (because I have such bad gas mileage)…and there is something definitely going on in there, so they need a couple hours for some diagnostics.   I didn’t have to pay for the 5 gas test…(I think the guy was the owner…so that part was nice)

We were going to take the car in the morning and leave it, but the weather (snow) is relentless…that’s probably not gonna happen, hopefully still this week tho.

Spoke to an Al-Anon friend this afternoon, her daughter is BabyAm’s age…and addicted to Meth.   She is living at home.   My friend is having such a hard time my heart breaks for her…what is and what isn’t a parents responsibility is tough.  And I can’t help but know deep down that is where my baby was headed…just searching for that higher high.

I went to the AA meeting tonight for some HOPE.   They are so tough…so humbling.  I did walk out of there with a little hope, a little bit of “this would be good for you to read”…but no sponsor yet.   I know there will be a right time.

Since I hadn’t quite finished my homework from my 1st sponsor, and the roads were starting to suck, I decided to just stop and have a few minutes alone, eat a bite and finish up my homework.   All the while reading my Al-Anon stuff, I still struggled to pull myself out of the pity party I’m at.  Working at this “getting better” thing is hard.   Working at letting go, seems impossible.  I am just at such a low point in my life.  I don’t know how people do this.  I did manage to get my homework finished and I read 3 more chapters in my “What is” book.

Tonight after I got home BabyAm called again.  She had good news and bad news.  Unfortunately, I only heard the bad news.  Still testing positive for THC.  So I’m sure it’ll be another 5-6 days before she gets tested again, my guess is next Monday.   UGH.

I DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE
SHE HAS USED SINCE HER ACCIDENT!!!!

That is my denial.  or is it HOPE?  I don’t know anymore.

I have been keeping a list of “To Do’s” so I can stay busy.  I guess I will just keep working on it tomorrow, and try and keep my mind off all the Bull Shit.feel the pain

One day, soon I hope, will be a good day…and I’ll remember to write about it.