My head has been a non-stop, unfocused, overthinking…circle of emotions.  My only comparison?   A hamster wheel.  I’m tired.

For the past two years +, my life has been beaten down, broken, hopeless at times and then attempted to be glued back together with broken promises, lies and manipulation.  As each day passes, some things do feel like they are falling into place, but then…my head starts spinning again.

I lose it.  I lose my ability to be concerned with myself because I’m so focused on everyone else.  Wanting to help. Be there to catch them.  Be the fixer.  The caregiver.   I feel like I am the only one who can do it all.  I don’t want to let go.

I want to be the one who keeps the friendships together, but why when the majority of them aren’t putting in any effort?  The one who checks in on Family who has no one else to visit with, to share with.   I don’t want anything in return.  Just to know my presence is welcomed.

BabyAm is no longer my “baby”…that’s a hard chunk to swallow.  She has put herself in the shitty situation she’s in, all by herself.  As a Mom, I can’t stand watching her learn the hard way.  I gave her the easy directions but they must have been misplaced somewhere along the way. I believe in her.  I have blind faith that she will continue to work through the mud and guck that got her stuck here in the first place.   She’s beautiful and smart…although sometimes to her detriment, but I know she can succeed in anything she puts her mind to!

She has been living at the Women’s Mission for about 7 weeks now.  That does not feel right.  Though we set a date for her to move out, the courts took her out 1st, ordered her to the Women’ Mission and among other things, placed a no contact order on our house.  We can still see her, just not here.  That makes things almost impossible.  She’s working a full time day job, has Drug court classes 4 nights a week, AA meetings and strict curfew rules at the shelter.  Did I just say shelter…ugh.  No parent should have to go through this.  I rarely get to see her and even talking or texting is hit and miss with her schedule.  Sober friends usually get her free time, which breaks my heart but I try and understand she’s trying to grow up and help us both let go of each other.   I hate it. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a daughter…I feel an empty spot where she’s supposed to be.  She’s where she is supposed to be tho.  She will get the direction she needs from others to grow and flourish in this big world. The world that needs her experiences to pass on to others who need comfort and encouragement, from someone who KNOWS and understands just where they are, loves/accepts them for just who they are until they can love themselves.   I know this all has happened for a reason.  I can’t wait to see what great things come out of this!!

As for me, I’ve been to counseling off and on, been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, BiPolar II, and been re diagnosed with ADHD.  Fun stuff.  2 years of taking my mood stabilizer for the BiPolar, I began having tremors.  Gradually getting worse and worse.  So much that my beautiful hand writing looked just like a 90 year old man’s.  Very rough.  I felt as if I was going to go crazy.  Not being able to text, to type on the laptop keyboard, not being able to hold a fork steady enough to get it into my mouth, or keep my legs from bouncing up and down (in public no less).

All of this happening while changing med doctors 3 times, and counselor twice… No fault of my own.  The newest med doc started from the beginning with me, and immediately took me off the medicine she thought was causing the tremors…6 weeks later…90% better! Writing like my own self again.  Some days are worse than others but anything is better than it was!  She changed up my meds and decided that I needed to feel all these emotions right now.  That it’s healthy, and I’ve been so numbed up the past couple years that it was time to experience the reality of hurt, concern, anger and to feel happiness when I’m able.  I didn’t like hearing it, but I understood and accepted it.

Add into my own issues…KKs cancer returned, in her lungs this time and into her brain just as quickly.  She started out with 5 tumors in her brain…it’s now up to 8.  Some of them are new, some have grown, and a couple stayed the same.  She has two new lymph nodes growing in her lung in addition to the cancer mass.  In January (2014), the doctor gave her 6-12 months.  It’s now August. Her daughter GI Jane is expecting a little boy the end of Dec/1st of Jan…her 1st grandbaby!  Today started her 3rd round of radiation.   Possibly a third round of chemo as well…hoping for a few more months.  I want to be there for her again at every appointment, every radiation etc…but sometimes I don’t feel welcomed by others in her family.  They weren’t the ones sitting with her all day during chemo, watching the nurses pump poision into her body..so some days now are harder than others, but I manage.  Crying after almost every appointment once I get to my car.

Selfish moment here because I’m not the only one feeling this horrible heartache…but this is my best friend.  She’s only 44.  Why her?   Watching this happen for the past 4 1/2 years has been devastating. Seeing her sick, lose her hair, have blood clots in her legs, develop steroid induced diabetes that put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Her family…my heart just aches for them.   A daughter who is also going to lose her best friend and mother, a Grandbaby on the way, 8 year old little man and a husband who just got told that he needs back surgery ASAP…and his career is over.  What more can be throw at this precious family?

And on the home front here…well my rock, my wonderful…loving…patient…kind husband has his hands full at work.  He has been out of town so much this past year, and this month we have figured he will be gone 20 out of 31 days.  Tough.  We are trying to get used to the “Empty Nest” again but it’s even more empty without him.  I know that’s how he supports us, so I support him and his job. It doesn’t make it suck any less tho.  This man is my world.  I love him dearly.

There’s still more to share, but another day.

Overall, things are ok.  Very up and down. Just like me every night.  But it’s just still gotta be “One Day at a Time”.  Right?  Sometimes one hour, one minute, one second…

One Response to “Hamster Wheel”

  • HeadlessMom says:

    That’s a lot! You know that I love you. I know you can do this. It may be hard, but you can. Day by day, hour by hour. You’ve got this! Xoxoxoxo

    We’ll talk next week?

Leave a Reply