Archive for January, 2013

The sun is shining, and from the window it’s beautiful to see the snow clumps falling from the tree.

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Today, has been another tough day.

It started off with a phone call from BabyAm bawling, she was having a rough morning…the not knowing is frustrating us all.  She asked me to call her Attorney, since she kept getting the “call back later” recording…and so when I called (because she’s an adult and because he’s not MY attorney) the nice gal at the front desk put me into his voicemail.  He never called me back.   Expect? Become disappointed.  You’d think I would have learned this by now.

Stubbed my toes on the bed wheel…bled.   It’s hurt all day.

My shrink has the flu, so he changed his appointment with me…

Took my car into get a quote on the Catalytic Converter…needed a 5-Gas test to check to see how rich it’s running first (because I have such bad gas mileage)…and there is something definitely going on in there, so they need a couple hours for some diagnostics.   I didn’t have to pay for the 5 gas test…(I think the guy was the owner…so that part was nice)

We were going to take the car in the morning and leave it, but the weather (snow) is relentless…that’s probably not gonna happen, hopefully still this week tho.

Spoke to an Al-Anon friend this afternoon, her daughter is BabyAm’s age…and addicted to Meth.   She is living at home.   My friend is having such a hard time my heart breaks for her…what is and what isn’t a parents responsibility is tough.  And I can’t help but know deep down that is where my baby was headed…just searching for that higher high.

I went to the AA meeting tonight for some HOPE.   They are so tough…so humbling.  I did walk out of there with a little hope, a little bit of “this would be good for you to read”…but no sponsor yet.   I know there will be a right time.

Since I hadn’t quite finished my homework from my 1st sponsor, and the roads were starting to suck, I decided to just stop and have a few minutes alone, eat a bite and finish up my homework.   All the while reading my Al-Anon stuff, I still struggled to pull myself out of the pity party I’m at.  Working at this “getting better” thing is hard.   Working at letting go, seems impossible.  I am just at such a low point in my life.  I don’t know how people do this.  I did manage to get my homework finished and I read 3 more chapters in my “What is” book.

Tonight after I got home BabyAm called again.  She had good news and bad news.  Unfortunately, I only heard the bad news.  Still testing positive for THC.  So I’m sure it’ll be another 5-6 days before she gets tested again, my guess is next Monday.   UGH.

I DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE
SHE HAS USED SINCE HER ACCIDENT!!!!

That is my denial.  or is it HOPE?  I don’t know anymore.

I have been keeping a list of “To Do’s” so I can stay busy.  I guess I will just keep working on it tomorrow, and try and keep my mind off all the Bull Shit.feel the pain

One day, soon I hope, will be a good day…and I’ll remember to write about it.

Tonight we talked about how more times we go into a bad neighborhood (our own head), and we either realize its a bad place and get the hell out…or stay and get the shit beat out of us (by our own doing).

I live in that neighborhood a lot. I stay. It’s almost like I am afraid of what I might have to give up to leave it behind and move out and on.

I am so powerless over all this crap. I hate it. I hate not being able to be right in the middle fighting for something that isn’t mine to fight. Guilt sets in…the creepy neighbor tells me that it’s my fault, I should have taught her better…taught her to speak up if she feels like she’s not getting what she needs…

People suck.

I have lost so much faith in so many things. I have lost trust in so many wonderful people. I have felt abandoned by people I never thought would forget me. I feel like MY disease is the contagious one.

My diseases: need to control, nicotine addiction, and having an addict for a daughter

NONE OF THOSE ARE CONTAGIOUS!

It’s so true that when people don’t know how to help or what to say, they just disappear. It’s probably not because they don’t care…but I watched it happen with KK and her cancer…friends and family…vanished.

Please if you’re reading this, don’t come to my rescue. My blog, my feelings, my truth. I have what I need, and who I need. I appreciate the prayers, the emails and the check ins that I get, that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s much deeper.

God (funny how I might say that) puts the right people in our lives at the right times. Well, at least the God of MY understanding does. He also accepts me where I am. Broken and in a shitty neighborhood, just trying to survive day by day.

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I think that where I have been, and what i am going through, qualifies me to be in a hell of sorts…it’s not open for debate.

BabyAm has been in jail since the 16th…because the judge couldn’t accept her plea if she was under any influence…unfortunately she was still testing positive for pot 5 minutes before she was remanded. She was to be tested in 2 days…it was 5. They told her they’d try and get back to give her another 2 days later…she’s yet to have one. She swears she did not use after her accident. Honestly with a controlling mother like me it’s hard to believe she could have. I was on her like glue most of the time. MOST.

I know I’ve posted a ton about lying and her lying to me…so only she knows. A mother always wants to believe her child. No, I never read her the story about a wolf in sheeps clothing, but it’s too late now. I can’t go back. The drug testing lab I spoke to locally said it could take up to 6 weeks…but other people say 28 days max. More shit I am powerless over. Yippee.

My Sponsor (now to be referred to as my 1st Sponsor)…well, she’s just not my sponsor anymore. My feelings are valid but my reasonings aren’t. I have been talking to another perspective Sponsor, tomorrow night she invited me to an open AA Meeting. She said this one has a lot of “old timers” and some ‘solution’…she said she thinks I need to hear some hope. I’m glad to go. Glad to do the work to get better. You know, I am sick too, and I don’t like feeling like this. I want my sanity back.

To thine own self be true…

I really liked this thought process because some of my battles won, are so small, insignificant to most and personal…that they will never be known.
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I miss my daughter.
Dearly.

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Tomorrow morning BabyAm goes in front of the judge. So much will change that will effect us all in such different ways.

I’m so afraid.
So sad.
Worried.

I’m angry.
Frustrated.
Hurting.

I don’t have any control over the situation, and we all know how that goes over for me. Not well.

Woke up needing a meeting this morning. Went…but, left in worse shape, only because I chose to beat myself up.

My sponsor once said “No one can beat me up worse than I have already beaten up myself”…

Prayers friends, family, anyone…I’ll take them, and not for granted. I promise.

Thanks…

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Since my last post, things have been busy around here. They will get even more busy, I’m sure. It’s ok. I need to stay busy. I’m likely to be all over the board on updates, but that’s ok too. I have to just “let it be”…it’s hard, but if I just give a little where I can, maybe I can move it into more places in my life to help my recovery.

BabyAm’s recovery is her’s and her’s alone. She does have 22 days clean and sober. That rocks! We have had some good communication, and some communication that though didn’t start healthy, ended better than it would have…thanks to changes I’ve made in myself (because of Al-Anon).

I have to admit, I’m really struggling with all the emotions I’m having, now that BabyAm is back home. Maybe it’s not because she is back home, but because this is what I’m supposed to be going through at this point in my life.

Trying to adjust to an “Empty Nest”
Realizing BabyAm’s Addiction (and Mine too!)
No More Empty Nest
Working toward recovery…everyone in the house.
Finally in a good place w/medication
Love my Shrink
Love my Sponsor
Homework for above 2 are tough but helpful and being put to good use

Emotions are temporary.