Archive for December, 2012

Yep! I’ve got big bags! Under my eyes. I’m so tired. I have been going non stop for days. Working on about 6 hours of sleep since Christmas Eve. And it’s past midnight as I write this, picking up BabyAm.

My mom, CJ, totally blessed me today and took home a bunch of BabyAm’s clothes to wash for me. And got them done already. What a huge burden off my back.

Why isn’t she doing her own laundry you ask? Well between her court, meetings, 12 hour shifts and fighting this wretched addiction…it just would not get done. All her clothes have been in a filthy house…with smelly circumstances. It all needed washed…

So thank you Mom!

Freckles arrived today. I hope this visit is much easier on him than Thanksgiving was. That was a tough day for him, and for all of us.

Tomorrow more meetings…but thankfully BabyAm has the day off. We all need it.

She’s been drug/alcohol free for 6 days and 14 hours. And truthful, honest, gracious and apologetic. Yay! Ill take it!
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We talked tonight about expectations at our meeting…

I try not to expect. Anymore that is. Because disappointment sucks.

Someone mentioned that they do have high expectations of them self to act appropriately as an “Al-Anon should. That really hit home. I’ve been trying to work on that myself.

With BabyAm home now, wow…I’m continually catching myself reacting instead of responding. Why? Because I’m expecting something…how I believe the outcome should be. Not healthy.

She’s got to make her own choices—both good and bad, and her own mistakes…AND accept the consequences. Ugh. Tough for everyone around here to watch happen.

I am not expecting anything tomorrow at her arraignment hearing other than her guilty pleas and her sentence to Drug Court…because that’s all I know right now. I am not in control, I have not seen any of her paperwork…I am just there for support.

…and all that is rough for me. I’m changing but my gut instinct is still there.

…mom? …housemate? …friend?
Yes. All in different capacities than I’m used to.

I didn’t cause it.
I can’t control it.
I can’t cure it.

BUT:
I can be a listening ear, and/or a supportive shoulder.
I will do everything in my power to give advice only when asked. And even then I will try to offer multiple choice ideas.
I can detach with love and not anger.

Today I am thankful.

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BabyAm is safe in bed.

I can’t sleep
She is sore from the accident. Can’t get comfortable.
They prob should have taken her to the hospital. But with the amt of relaxants in her system, I’m sure at the time she didn’t feel much.

They say (always they—who ever THEY ARE) that time heals all wounds. Why don’t THEY give a time frame to look forward to?

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BabyAm is home safe tonight with us.
It’s been a rough couple days.

Car wreck (no one with her/involved) into concrete barrier
Deployed airbags
Arrested
Jail
Suicide watch
ROR’d
Accepted to Drug Court
Belongings out of drug house
Sober for 36+ hours
Clean
Full tummy
Nice warm bed
Hopefully decent nights sleep
New start.

Yep. Don’t expect. Just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
She is loved unconditionally. It’s going to be a long tough road.

Saturday al-anon meeting WILL BE in order.

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Hopefully she found that some of the things we have taught her were not bullshit, and that she deserves better than what she’s been accepting for herself.

Today might be the bottom.

As a mother, heart broken.
As a wife, comforted.
As a daughter, embarrassed.
As an Al-Anon…thankful.

Thankful she’s alive, unharmed physically and no one else was hurt. For now she’s safe.

One day at a time is now one second at a time.

Karma…

The world, our state, our city…is much safer right now

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These 3 young “know it all” assholes all have several things in common…
ONE OF WHICH —- IS PRISON TIME!

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Omfg…I hope my meds kick in soon.

Its 3:11am…
Only got 3 hours of sleep last night…
So thankful for Karma.
So sad for the devastation that has happened today.
Feel slimed.
Anxious.
Angry.
Hateful.

If it’s important to you(whatever it is)

You will find a way. (there are so many options)

No excuses. (None, there just aren’t any)

never expect

Through this recovery process, I’m learning that when I expect…I get let down.  So getting my hopes up, just doesn’t seem to be a logical option anymore, and then it hurts less if it doesn’t happen.

So last night after I posted, I had a horrible upset stomach…felt like puking, but couldn’t…hot/cold, couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, couldn’t lay down.

Checked on BabyAm, because I had to make sure that wasn’t what was bothering me…

Ended up giving myself a shot, to help with the nausea.   Finally about an hour later I managed to fall asleep.

No migraine with it…thankfully, but the tummy part is just YUCK!

Al-Anon meeting today at noon with CJ, was a good one.   About obsession and how to get yourself past it.  I’m glad I went even though I didn’t feel 100%.

I need to go to DMV and get my new car registered…and I got the ok to have a B12 shot, once a month (YAY), they just called and that is ready…and so is Humphrey’s medicine.   Maybe the fresh air will do me good.  I’ll take the Bostons’ with me for company.

BabyAm finally just stopped by for her mail.  I have not seen her since Thanksgiving.   Being a Mom is one of the hardest jobs…

I should catch up…if for no one else other than myself, for the record.

Yesterday I finally got something that was much needed…a second car.  That took an immense weight off my shoulders and also off Hubby’s.  I knew we needed it, but I didn’t realize just HOW much.

2002 Jeep Liberty small

I continue to go to Al-Anon meetings.   29 meetings in 53 days, if truth be told.   I can say that 99% of the time I walk out of each one, learning something new to take with me on my journey to recovery.   I am more aware of my own issues, rather than noticing the issues of others.  I volunteered to chair this upcoming Saturday night meeting.   Time to learn something new, so if no one shows up to start the meeting…I know I can.  No, I’m not going to volunteer myself to death, but for some reason I was compelled for that day.

Every week for the past 7 weeks I have seen a professional who has already made a big dent in my well-being.  He gives me homework for the week, and explains things to me rather than talking over my head.   He gives good analogies I guess is how to say it.   I’m so thankful.

Defining words seems to be a theme, in every area of my life.   Most recently it was “normal”…I always say “I want to just be normal”…  I’ve decided I don’t.   That definition moved me into other words; sane, rational, wise, prudent…I think I have inhaled more education in the last 60 days than probably in the last 3 years of High School.

I have only a select few people that I am letting “in” right now, because I have realized just how much pain, frustration, etc. that we take on when others share with us.   It’s hard to listen and just be a friend, and then let it go.   Motherly instincts kick in to “fix it”…I can’t fix everything.  It’s not my job.   Such a hard lesson to learn.   I’ll be working on that one forever.

All in all, the days are getting better.  Still sometimes they end up being second by second, but mostly day by day.   I hurt emotionally more than I thought I ever could though.   Letting go of things I can not control has been by far the hardest thing I’ve ever attempted to do.    When I can start actually letting them go…I’m sure I will post about it.

Christmas…oh, yeah…there’s something ELSE I can’t control…the cycle continues.   Gosh I hope I am strong enough to make it through this.