Archive for November, 2012

………..everything is still the same.

Lies
Broken plans
No communication

Worst Thanksgiving ever.

Continuing to absorb Al-Anon. 3-5x a week
Closer to having a higher power than we were.

Still feel alone
Need to find a sponsor.

Reading a horrible book. An autobiography of an addict.
Necessary. Hope and understanding prevails…it’s just getting there that sucks.

Sounds of sirens…
Every car crash…

Things I can’t control.

Working to find my calm place.
Working to compartmentalize temporarily.

Hubby leaves for 5 days tomorrow am.
No babysitters please!!!!!

Do you ever wonder what life would be like without daily drama, challenges or stress?  I do.   I wonder what it would be like for everyone to just be able to focus on the blessings in their lives.

I have so many words I want to define.   I think it’s time for a pocket dictionary, start highlighting words…simplify.

These few definitions fit:

Drama:

a situation or sequence of events that is highly emotional, tragic, or turbulent

Challenge:

a demanding or stimulating situation, career, object, etc

Stress: 

special emphasis or significance attached to something

mental, emotional, or physical strain or tension

Manipulation:

to negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skilfully, or deviously

Focusing on my blessings are hard.  Especially now.   I don’t use the word blessing the same as I used to, so it’s time to define my way now, but in the interim…it will have to do.

Today my blessing is that I’m alive.  Honestly, that is some sort of miracle that I realized yesterday.   I could easily have been THAT statistic, or THAT person crossing the road at the wrong time.    In THAT car, when it wrecked.    I could have been THAT kid, that just went ahead and kept doing exactly what I wanted to do, regardless of the consequences.   If I didn’t have the Mother I have…I might have been THAT teenager who didn’t realize they were not alone, and left this earth entirely too early…

Hubby I are on the same chapter  (page most of the time)…if one of us doesn’t get behind.

I have supportive friends and family around me…and that I’d like to believe that I raised BabyAm to the best of my ability as a parent.

I will continue to seek a Higher Power that is not my addict daughter, or the Maple tree in the back yard, but one that will help guide me in through this difficult challenge.

I would love to hear your blessings.  Goals…challenges…I know I am not alone anymore.

 

Today was such a sad day. Funeral for my ex-mother-in-law.

She will regret someday missing the opportunity to say goodbye to her grandma.

Her choice.

My embarrassment.

Wow. Speechless.

Tonight I thank Phil. Who is Phil? Doesn’t matter…what matters is tonight he gave me this:

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Serenity. I need to practice.

I don’t understand it. I hate it.

IT is addiction.

Everyone says:

Let her go.
Cut the apron strings.
Cut the cord.
Let her fly.
Let her learn the hard way.
Let her make her own mistakes.
How is she ever gonna learn if you keep doing it for her?

Oh, don’t think I don’t hear you all. But until you have walked in my shoes…for years, watching a beautiful young lady destroy her life, don’t think I’m gonna take your advice.

And those of you who think meds and al-anon aren’t the way for me to deal with things…would you rather it be with a bottle in my hands…or would you prefer I was wrapped around a pole? This isn’t a walk in the park. I now know that first hand.

I’m so pissed off right now for so many reasons. IS IT SO FU#KING HARD TO GIVE YOUR PARENTS A BREAK FROM THE GAME YOU ARE PLAYING?????? AND JUST LET THEM KNOW YOU’RE OK????

Everyone has problems they are dealing with…if you don’t want to listen to my rantings…you are welcome to “cut the blog strings”…

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I’m at least clean. Accomplished nothing today but some scanning of pics and some slide show work. Now just waiting on others.

It felt good today to just exist.

Guess BabyAm is ok, at least she made it out to have a family picture taken anyway.

It’s been 3 weeks since she’s had ANY CONTACT with Hubby, it’s wearing on him. He’s taken perfect care of her for almost 14 years. He’s her “Dad”!!!!

Nope not even a call, a text…nothing. He is heartbroken, and I hate seeing him this way. I wish I could just take on everyone’s pain surrounding her. Instead it’s spread all over…

I’m so sick…ugh.

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This week has worn me to the core.

Med Check
Shrink Appt
Extended Family death
Picture scanning
Obituary
Memorial slide show
Hubby hasn’t had a day off in like 19 days

MIA daughter

Trying to realize when I’m being totally controlling
And Micromanaging…

Add in the everyday things…I’m exhausted.

Next week isn’t looking to promising either.

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Glad Hubby’s home!!!!!!

Big list started for this week.

Ill share more tomorrow.

Today was a long day.  I did manage to Mind My Own Business too!!!!!

  • BabyAm came over, to hang and play with the dogs. She also needed to do some laundry. I made it clear to her that she just can’t come around when she needs something…
  • She did help me do a bunch of things around here today that I needed some help with, so honestly her doing a couple loads of laundry was worth it.
  • She stayed within my “rules” for the day, which was nice.
  • Sold some inventory (SP), and made $150, that is always helpful.
  • I found a couple books at the thrift store tonight that I’m anxious to look at.
  • I’m watching the BSU game alone for the first time…so strange that no one is with me to hear my screaming at the TV.

I’m exhausted.

Tuesday morning I have a med check…which should go smoothly, the mood stabilizer seems to be doing it’s job so far.  And later in the afternoon…I have, if you can believe it a counseling appointment with a new Doc…real doc/shrink…nervous.   I talked to him on Friday afternoon, and have an appointment on Tuesday.  Unheard of around here.   He must hide out, so he can deal with the serious crack-pots like me bawling into his answering machine...or probably what it is since I need to be completely truthful, I was given a referral to him and for that I am appreciative.  

I hope I sleep tonight, good and hard.  I might not make it through the game…

 

Yesterday I treated myself to new fingers and toes…it was a decent day.

Today I feel as if a bird shit on my head. Continuously.

Nothing more depressing than depression.

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