Archive for January, 2012

You’re kidding right?

Ya, I didn’t think so.

Right back to the same old crap again.   I can’t  say with 100% certainty about some of the games, but I can with others.  I’m a mom who knows.

I want to give up!

What kind of parent just gives up?  Who just let’s it all go?  I love her with all of my heart, but I do NOT like what she’s doing to herself and her life.  Some of it publicly.  REALLY?   Have you even met your parents?  I KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE TAUGHT YOU ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND PRIVACY, PERSONALLY.  What you put on the internet is there forever…just like this post.

I am hurt.  I am broken hearted.  I have been lied.to.again.  I am so disgusted.

I am alone in my head with my fears, my worries, my emptiness…my anger, my sadness, my failure as a parent…it’s not a happy place.

Guess the meds haven’t kicked in yet.  My fingers aren’t as fast as my head.   I don’t feel normal today.   I have had some very angry days…not entire days but portions.

You would think I would be strong enough to delete people from my facebook that I don’t actually talk to or have conversations with.  Some family, some people who were once friends, some that actually now seem to have only been for a season.   I thought they were friends, but hey when I made an effort and didn’t ever hear back a couple times…I guess I should have gotten the hint then.

I don’t have a job, but I do other things during the day besides facebook.  I like hearing what is on other peoples mind, see pictures of their day/vacations etc.   But it’s not the only means of communication available…Oh, well maybe it is…things are changing so fast.

…starting to mellow.   Still angry.

I feel judged still.   And I need to let go of those people who I let make me feel that way.

House cleaning.  Moving one mess, from one place to another.   Great.

Out of anger, and before the Xanax kicks in, I’m going to vent.   I don’t, at this point care who reads this, or who doesn’t.

I’m sick of just existing as a Mom.  I’m sick of worrying, I’m sick of stressing out.   This is not my life, but I know that when shit hits the fan, someone is going to have to pick up the pieces.  Seriously, I don’t mind doing that, but it’s nice to be involved at other times too.  The fun times, the happy times, the times when she’s got her head screwed on straight.

Rebellion sucks.   I don’t know if it’s on purpose, or if it’s just age, a whimsical personality and she doesn’t realize what she’s doing.  Damn, no…she knows… she’s smarter than that.   The “deer in the headlights” look doesn’t work anymore.   If you want to be treated like an adult you should act like one. Right?  How hard is it to check in???

I’m writing this here because I’m doing every single thing I can to not call/text her to find out what the hell she’s been doing for the last 3 days.   She needs to be looking for a job.  She needs to be keeping us in the loop.  When she’s quiet, something is up.  We all know that.  What the hell?

Finding a boyfriend, or talking to a “cute guy” right now is like holding on to a 50 foot steel pole during a lighting storm.   Stupid.   It should be the last thing that she is thinking about.   I know I taught her better than all of this.  Or did I?  Did I miss something?  An “essential” something?  OMG!

There really is more to all this than what I’m mentioning, but this is driving me insane.   I am at my maximum right now.   I feel as if I am the most unimportant person in the world to her.   Until she needs something, until she realizes that the people she thinks are her friends, are just using her for a ride, or a place to stay.

I am sure that someone out there in internet land (or family for that matter) will think I’m over reacting, but I assure you, this sucks ass.  I’m a wreck.  I’m sick of pretending everything is ok with her.   It’s not.   Maybe I am controlling, maybe I am over protective, maybe I am over reacting…but if you were in my shoes you would have probably the same issues about this, that I do.

You don’t want your children to fall, to fail, to get hurt…but you can’t save them from everything.  But they are your precious blood…How do all these parents do this?   How did my mom do this?

I hate it.

I hate it with every ounce of my being.

I think I need to kick things into high gear around here.   I told Hubby yesterday that even though I know I don’t have it, I feel like I have ADD.  I need to focus on something and get it done, so that I can feel accomplished.

Right now in my life, I’m trying to do so many things I can’t seem to wrap my arms around any of them.

Genealogy

  • BabyAm’s Family – Still gotta call the Matriarch of the family…I’ve been putting that off.
  • Hubby’s Family – Oh the pictures, data and organization…this hasn’t been worked on in almost 6 years and I left it undone then…
  • 2 of My Families – I’m one of those lucky ones who has two paternal families.  I need to get them off my mom’s plate and I just don’t have it in me yet.

Around the house

  • Continue to get my scrap-booking/genealogy room organized.  I keep so much stuff it’s unreal.
  • Get scrap-booking again!  I’m so behind!
  • Keep up with all my “chores”…it’s harder now with 2 kids here (Freckles is down until the weekend, and BabyAm stays here during his visits), but I love having the kids here.
  • All the other miscellaneous things I need to do…baseboards, paint, wallpaper stripping, all around fresh new look for things.

Things for me

  • Use my Gift Certificate with JoJo (and JP’s Momma, and BH) and go back to Hot Yoga.  I miss it.   I think there is a beginners class tonight…hummm…that’s a possiblity.
  • Go shopping with my Gift cards from Christmas.
  • Maybe try 2-a-days’ at the gym, or longer in the mornings.
  • Use my Gift Certificate for a 60 minute massage (from my parents @Christmas)
  • I probably need to see my shrink, since I cancelled my last appt.
  • I know I need my face “done”…ouch!
  • Oh, a pedicure would be nice, and some acrylics…sigh.

Catch up with friends:

  • Have lunch with my previous neighbor the Cycle Path…
  • Today I’m finally getting to have coffee with another previous neighbor that I haven’t seen in over a year. (I hope it doesn’t get cancelled)

Those lists are just the major things I need to do, there are so many other little minor things, too many to name.   So, if you’re bored and looking for something to keep you occupied.  Please don’t hesitate to come on over and make yourself at home.  I could use some working company.

…and in addition to all that, I’m still searching for (inner) peace.

Unfortunately the weekend didn’t go how I would have hoped.   I was actually happy to see it come to an end if the truth be known.  Never thought I’d say that.  Never in a million years.

The most bothersome of the weekend that was an assumption about a friend of ours.  A great friend.   An assumption that just made my head explode.   It was handled so poorly to begin with that it just spiraled out of control, which sent my blood pressure through the roof, and my heart to my sleeve yet again.   I wear it there a good portion of the time, sadly.

I honestly believe that if you want to judge me.   Fine.  Enjoy yourself.  You’re the one missing out, and you’re the one who’s true colors are seen very vividly.  But when you start judging my friends, that is when you’ve really stuck a knife in my gut…

I’ll admit freely, that I am one who actually does judge a book by it’s cover.  An actual book…that you read…with paper and words in it.   Mostly because I’m not an avid reader and if the cover and 2 paragraph summary doesn’t catch my attention, I know I won’t read it and move on to the next one.  HOWEVER, when it comes to people.  Living, breathing, walking, talking people…THAT is something that I have learned (yes, learned…the hard way) to never do.

I don’t care what you look like.  I don’t care what color your skin, eyes or hair is.  I don’t care if you are into classical music or doom metal.  I really could care less if you are tattooed, pierced or as plain jane as they come.   Whether you are working or not, have a Ferrari or a bicycle.  That means nothing to me about your character.

What I care about is how you treat people, how loving and caring is your heart.   Would you be there for me if I needed you?  Would you stand up for me, would you put your reputation on the line?  Would you welcome me in if it was cold, or a ride home if it was raining?  Would you trust me with your children, and that I can trust you with mine?  Are your morals equal to mine?  Are my personal thoughts and feelings safe with you?

I truly believe that it’s not about the outside, it’s about what’s on the inside that counts.  Said so many times, but is it ever described…is it really something people believe, or do they just say it when it’s convenient?   I know that I live it.

If you know me, really know me.  I think you would shake your head and say “Yes, she does live it”.  If you don’t, I hope you know it now.  I don’t like hypocrites, I don’t like people who are racist, I don’t like people who are judgmental and ignorant.

I am proud of the company I keep.  I am obviously protective too.  I hope that the next time you look at someone who looks differently than you, that you stop and wonder how HUGE their heart is, or what pain they might have been/are going through.  Because, it’s those that hide it, who keep their guard up (in what ever way), those that choose to be different…that I have found to be the most genuine.

When you judge my friends, you judge me…and that is something I take very personally.  My friends and family are my most precious treasures.

Today is a good Monday.  I put into words my feelings and I’m going to share it with all of you.

Fridays, even though I don’t work (outside the house), are nice.   I know that the weekend brings less stress for everyone around me.  Usually.

I’ve been having some really rough days this past several weeks, and even though they are rough, they are nothing like they used to be.   Today, I am focusing on my list of things to accomplish.  Some things are ongoing, some I have been putting off, and some are just plain boring.  I guess that’s the story of life.  I’ve been noticing that others have been having a rough January this year too.  It could be our abnormal weather.

My head has been spinning a lot with thoughts that I can’t explain, nothing bad.   Just things I never really thought of before.   I’m working through those too.  I think I over think.   LOL  I’m not sure there is any way to stop myself from doing that.   I can’t stand the saying “it is what it is”…but unfortunately that fits right now.

I really wish that I had more patience to write.  To document.  To share.   In getting back to researching with my mom, I’ve read so many neat stories about the 1800’s and early 1900’s…that it has inspired me to try and gather a few stories of my own for my books, for my future generations of family.   The Penguins have agreed to answer some questions for me, which will be very fun!   And in talking to a family member in SLC, he’s also agreed, so that’s another family altogether.   But honestly, I need to answer those same questions, or similar ones myself.   sigh.  patience.  motivation.  AH!

It’s hard enough for me to make sure and keep blogging.   This is the only place I have right now that I have to look back at and remember things I’ve done, or how I’ve felt.   So I’ve got to continue to push on.

One thing that really strikes me as happening now (that I must get off my chest)…and has been quite a bit recently is people (clients) calling hubby for help with things that are NOT in his scope of work with them…for example, a client called the other night because he was at a hotel (obviously not in town), and could not get on the internet.   He called Hubby, his IT guy for his company (how many 1000 miles away?)…instead of calling the front desk of the hotel.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  If the toilet at the hotel is broke, are you going to call your company’s maintenance man too?  No, you’re going to call the front desk.   OMG.

Another thing that is just grinding on me, is friends (or are they really) who only call when they need help with their computer, or they can’t get their home network set up right, can’t get their email on their phone, need to buy a printer and want advice…SERIOUSLY, we haven’t talked in HOW LONG, and you need me now at 10PM at night…for this?   It’s just a bunch of shit if you ask me.   They know he’s too nice.

I decided that this new year was going to be a year I tried to really focus, and be (mentally) where I need to be at that moment…and that I didn’t want to take any crap, just tell it like it is.   I’m working on it.  Don’t know if I’m all the way there on either thing, but I’m not giving up.

Life is a strange thing.  Finding peace in this life is tough, especially when failure is not an option.   Now I know why my mom used to tell me she was running away.  I don’t blame her.  I want to run away sometimes too.

Since it’s Friday, I think I’ll just leave my baggage at the keyboard and try and spend this weekend clearing my head, enjoying each moment, and being focused on where I am.

 

 

Was kinda cranky yesterday. Hid out in my scrapbooking room organizing all day…and did laundry.  Nothing that could really harm me.

Feel like I’m falling apart.  I hate getting older.  Today there was NO excuse for not going to the gym.  Other than I didn’t really WANT to go.   I do enjoy coming home from the gym though, I always feel accomplished.  Today almost 4 miles on the stationary bike.  Haven’t ridden one in forever…but JoJo and I wanted to visit and not waste exercise time…it worked.  Nice to ease back into the swing of things.

There was a website that I was “turned on to” by a friend…I got to share things there, pictures sayings, etc. that I liked, that I felt, that just was MY PLACE…well and a zillion other people I didn’t know.  (Except for most of my FB friends and family).  I was happy that I could just post what I felt like posting.  Now, in the last two weeks, about 15 of my FB friends have found me and are following me, and I don’t feel safe and un-judged anymore.   I don’t feel like it’s special, or private.   It wasn’t to begin with in all reality, and all those people have a right to find me…but dang it.   Part of me says how neat it is that they want to follow me, and see what I am up to…the other part says GO AWAY, stop stalking me!   So instead of being public with my posts, I’ve been saving them to my computer, phone, and ipad.  (My Photo Stream).   Sigh.

Been working on BabyAm’s bio-family genealogy.   It’s kept me very busy for the last 60 days.   I have found so much information…and yet a couple family members are hiding out pretty well from me.  I’m at a point where I’m almost ready to move on back to another family…Mine and Hubbys.   I still have a lot of work to do on those.   I’ve been trying to be a little proactive in asking for info, and asking for face to face meetings with family…so hopefully that will help.

Still having issues with trying to let go…vague answers have always irritated me.  “I’m Out”…rather than “oh, I’m out with so and so, we are at…” drives me insane.   Makes me feel like I’m not worth knowing.   I had a friend who used to do that to me, so it really kills me when I get it from one of the kids.

I wish Freckles would just move here.  I miss him like Crazy.  I miss the Dark Knight too, but I know he’s gotta grow up like BabyAm.   Freckles is still an itty bitty little guy…you know 6’1″ and cuddly.  He needs his Steph-Mom.  I know he does. :)

I guess it’s time to try and tackle another thing on my never ending list of things to do…but first more coffee.


PS.  I’m sure all my new family and friends on FB (those I’ve contacted for info etc.) all think I’m a pill poppin, drunk, psycho…because I love posting these funny pictures.   I am just hoping they realize it’s a sense of humor I’m trying to shine, not mental distress.

Mama said there’d be days like this…

Why am I having so many of them?   Days turn into weeks…so quickly.   I hate not knowing.  I’m having a hard time letting go.

I’m doing it…

But, honestly, I hate every minute of it.

I wonder how my mom managed.  I don’t really remember much about moving out…I wanted out.  I moved out of the house, and in with what would be my first husband, and I knew it all.  All.

Did I call my mom to let her know I was home and safe.  I doubt it.

Did I call my mom just to check in daily.  I doubt that too.

I’m sure I said things to my mom that stung too.  Like, just yesterday I heard this:

“Mom, I’m 19 years old, I have my own apartment, a steady job and I just bought a new car, I’m old enough to make that decision myself.”

Score:   Mom ZERO, Daughter FIVE.  In seconds.

I suppose it will get easier.

Until then, I’ll just keep doing what I do best.  Worrying.

 

After 12.5 years, I finally popped a vein on the Hubby’s 1st Ex-Wife.   I am so sick of her BS, I had to give her a piece of my mind.   Unfortunately she missed out on the last email I wrote…which included something about me not being a mind reader and I’d dust off my crystal ball and give it a whirl.   I should have sent it anyway.

This year, my resolution isn’t really a resolution at all…but I’m going to try and focus more.  Focus on each piece of my life…where ever I am, what ever I’m doing…I want it to have my full attention.  Sounds simple enough.   And that raging lunatic woman got my focus all freaking day.   I am a little frustrated that I let her get to me, but it won’t happen again.

I’m not going to take anyones crap either.   You wanna mess with me, you’re going to get exactly what I need to say…bluntly.  Can you tell today just totally sucked?  Well, not all of it…it started out REALLY good, then I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.  Oh well.  It felt so good.

I have a shrink appt on the 9th, and I seriously can’t wait.   It’s so nice to just vomit all over someone who is an outsider sometimes.   She always gives me a different perspective and she challenges my thoughts.  I like that.

I think part of my problem might be this inbetween stage with the kids…not kids anymore, and not acting like the bright young adults that they are.   What is the problem?   Have two choices, choose the right/moral one, and move on.   No issues.   Yeah, that doesn’t happen.

Been doing some family research on BabyAm’s family.   Lots of ghosts in that closet…lots of people who don’t want to talk, lots of things (marriages mostly) that I am having a tough time proving, but it’s fun.  But tonight I’m going to make sure I take my medicine so my mind can quit going 100 miles an hour.  I forgot last night and tossed and turned thinking about dead people, and not just one family…several.  I was up at 4:30 wide awake, and emailing with JP’s Momma who couldn’t sleep either.  I think I’ve known this all along, but I’m realizing it more and more each day:

Scary.  But true.  Especially in the genealogy sense.   It’s so addicting.   I get the bug and then I can’t quit.

So that’s today in a nutshell.   I’ll try for a happier post soon.  Remember I went to NEW YORK baby!  So much to tell!  But now, it’s time for some lemonade…

 Because when life gives you lemons…
you make lemonade, to wash down the Xanax, of course!