Archive for August, 2011

I have a very serious question to ask.  I don’t seem to know where to find the answer anywhere…but it just keeps going through my mind, like a broken record.  (remember those?)

How is it possible that a young educated adult can have an extremely detailed intelligent conversation about something (dear God…she can have them about so many things), we’ll use her job for sake of conversation here, but can’t seem to complete a simple task?

Her Job:  Her job consists of 100’s of acronyms (literally), tons of numeric codes, different financial options for different reasons, scripts, numerous screens for different information, its scary the amount of memorizing that goes with her job.  She is great at it, and can have you confused if you even miss one second of her “daily download” after work.   Seriously, one second and you’re lost.

The Intelligent Conversation:  Last night during dinner, she (BabyAm) starting discussing her job, which actually worked it’s way into more acronyms, commission calculations, Core Stores vs Authorized Dealers,  lots of intense discussion on payment calculations, returns, exchanges, charge backs, majority ownership of businesses….I could go on and on.  (Please insert shotgun here for me).  She is amazing at asking just the right questions, mulling over the answer and understanding it right down to the last “T”.   (I must add that listening to that conversation with her dad made me want to beat my head against a wall and then stab myself in the ear with an icepick it was sooooo boring and uninteresting to me.)  They had a great talk.  I had a headache.

At Home:  Here’s the part that is just so hard to understand.  At home, she can’t complete the one task that she has been responsible for FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS.   She can’t quit texting long enough to have a conversation about the future, but CAN FORGET to text a note home that says I’m still among the living after telling you I’ll be gone for about an hour, and it’s been 5.  She can’t answer questions that we ask, especially if they begin with “Why”.  All of a sudden these are the only 3 words left in the English vocabulary…

Are you freaking kidding me?   What happened to those long explanations that you had to prep for in Debate class…where you had to have an intelligent answer for everything?  Where you had to describe in great detail why there is no water in Africa, or why the government needed to implement the death penalty for lying to your parents.  (I’m kidding...I think.)

So…if you know where I can find an answer, please let me know.  Here’s the question again in case you forgot…because it’s THAT important, for me to understand.

How is it possible that a young educated adult can have an extremely detailed intelligent conversation about something (dear God…she can have them about so many things), we’ll use her job for sake of conversation here, but can’t seem to complete a simple task?

I’m trying to keep/regain/locate my sanity here, remember?
Help a sista out!  Or I’ll be forced to do THIS!

 

 

My appointment Thursday with the PDoc for meds, went fine.  One hour of rushing through family medical history etc…and a change of diagnosis.  New/Changed up meds.   I like her.  See her in two weeks.

Not BiPolar.  Yay.

My current diagnosis:   

MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) Severe and Recurrent w/o Psychotic Features and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). 

Met with counselor today, same location.  Her and my new PDoc work together.   Same kind of first appointment.  One hour of get to “know your background”…  I like her too.   See her next week.

I suppose this is called making progress.

Two weeks I’ve been waiting for this doc appointment, and tomorrow it will finally be here.   It’s so hard to be patient when you know you are at your wits end.   I am hoping for some kind of relief.   I knew at my last (GP) doc appointment that it would be coming to this (Psych Doc)…I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

I’ve been keeping notes on how I’m feeling and sometimes when I go back and read them, I wonder who that was that wrote those words.   It’s almost scary.   I have to actually THINK about what I’m reading, because it’s so bizarre.  Really, I was that far out there?  YEP.

I filled out my paperwork today, answering questions like what meds are you on now…what have you taken…what symptoms are you having.   I feel like I sound like a total nut case.   Thankfully, I don’t seem to have any of the (in my mind) bad things to try and fix…like drinking too much, throwing up, cutting, OCD symptoms.   Those, to me, are heart breaking.  I can’t imagine anyone having to go through those things.   So, I guess I’d rather have MY problems, than someone elses.

I am not expecting a quick fix.   I’m just hoping for some insight on maybe a different course of medication, and counseling that will help with my “all over the board” moods.   I am struggling though with the fact that I might just walk in there and start spewing all my issues, without so much as a polite hello…that’s how anxious I am to get this all behind me.  Thing is, I have no clue where I’d even start.

As I have been taking notes on my moods and my thoughts I’ve repeatedly said that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.   I really have been feeling that way a lot lately.   Unless you have been at the bottom of the barrel, feeling hopeless…helpless…worthless…incompetent…and every other verb that describes despair, I don’t think you can grasp where someone is coming from that is THIS depressed.   No energy, no love, no care, no smiles, no laughter, nothing but emptiness.


I have one friend who has checked on me everyday since she found out how bad off I am.   It’s so appreciated.   I appreciate it so much because I have several friends who know that I’m a wreck, but somehow have seemed to, instead of support me, have distanced themselves from me.

I don’t have a communicable disease.  I’m not going to infect you with depression.   I’m not going to dump on you.   I just miss my friends.   I’m already feeling alone enough.

I feel like such a burden right now on my family.  I feel like I have nothing to give.   No sympathy, no empathy, nothing even close to happy go lucky (that I used to be)…I don’t even feel like I have hugs to offer.   I’m empty.  Drained.  Exhausted (mentally and physically).

 

So…

I still have the wretched side effects of the Viibryd.  And I don’t know if it’s even working anyway.   Nice.

I still am feeling like the rollercoaster that I’m on is NEVER going to stop.

I still feel like I am unfit and incapable to parent/friend our daughter.

I am still hurting inside more than anyone will ever know, thanks to freaking Breast Cancer and it’s aftermath.

I miss my friend.

It takes everything I have in me to shower and get ready for the day, get my “chores” done and try and find some sort of happy medium so that my family can survive one more day with me.

I wish I could plan for a good day, so I could REALLY enjoy it.