Archive for November, 2010

Contrary to what some may think.  I am not an idiot. I hate when people who don’t know me, talk down to me.

I may not know a handful of things, but when I finally have done everything I can to make sure that the problem is NOT F’ing MINE…and I bring it to the attention of someone who is supposed to be there to help me. I really wish they would do their job!  I am seriously not trying to waste your time.

Now I know why some people just can’t take it anymore and go in to their place of business, or somewhere else that they have not gotten the CUSTOMER SERVICE that they should have received, and blow the place to smithereens – people included!

I have an extreme lack of patience today. Isn’t that obvious?

I heard this song today.   I love it.   I love her voice, I love the name of the song, I love the lyrics and I love that it is meant for all the Punks out there.   And this one I personally dedicate for my daughter to everyone’s favorite Punk.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&w=500&h=311]

Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts

I know I can’t take one more step towards you
Cause all that’s waiting is regret
And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

In trying to find a proper title for this post this song came to mind…

Toby Keith – I wanna talk about me.

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think
What I like
What I know
What I want
What I see

Thing is…I am not sure who this post really is about.   Ok, it’s about me.

I know I have issues.   I do.  I however, unlike some, am trying to figure out if I’m alone, with a bunch of other “on the verge of tears” mothers, or if I’m just completely insane.   I know you want to, but don’t answer that question just yet.

I wonder…am I vain? Stuck up?  Do I think I’m better than everyone else?  Do I honestly believe that there is no one else goes through this kind of B.S.?

I am the best mom, wife, friend and daughter I can be.  I am pretty sure that none of it comes easy for anyone else either…so why don’t I share my trials and tribulations with my friends?   How is it that I can share ‘this’ with YOU, ‘that’ with HER and then ‘this other crap’ with HIM?

Why can’t I just tell ALL of my friends and family ALL of it?

I’ve come to the conclusion (whether it’s right or wrong) that I don’t want you to judge me, my husband, or my daughter…and though I really believe that no one wants to be judgmental…they still are.

Some of my friends have said very sweet things to me to help me through these tough times.  Things like: she is in college, she is working, she’s not pregnant or doing drugs…(yes but did you know that she’s really great about putting herself in dangerous situations and one of my biggest fears is having the police tell me they found her dead in a dumpster?)    And other things like:  Just because she choses to make bad decisions, doesn’t mean it’s a refection on you or your parenting, it’s her choice.  (yes, but OMG do you not realize that I have taught her better?  If “A” could=$$$ and “B” could=Trouble…she will 99% of the time chose “B”.    Is she purposely trying to make me look like an idiot?  I think I can do that on my own thank you very much.)

Ya.  Welcome to my nightmare.

Recently I had one of my dear friends ask me if she had offended me or if she’d done something wrong because there was something that didn’t feel right about our relationship and it had been that way for a while.   That was very tough for me to answer when I have so much in my head about all of this.   I did the best I could.   I told her no, that we just don’t have as many things in common anymore.  Her kids are young, mine is not.  (I left it at that.)   I don’t know if I should have gone on to say…I scrapbook, make cards, and do a little genealogy here and there.  I have found solace in working for myself, helping other couples have the wonderful relationship opportunity that I have.  I sometimes go to the gym, email, and blog.  I love everything about technology.  She doesn’t do any of those things.   It doesn’t mean I don’t love her any less.  We are just at different points in our lives, I’m sure we will be in the same place again, and it hopefully will not seem like even a moment has past.  It’s just not that time right now for us.   And I don’t know what to do about that.

Each of my friends plays such a different role in my life.  There is a poem about that….

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;
their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

My point (there are so many sorry) is that I have so much to learn/gain/glean from each of my friends and family members but my insecurities right now are more prevalent than my head wants to believe.

One of the reasons that really stands out as to why I don’t share it ALL with everyone, is that I have friends and family who have children who (as seen through my eyes) are “scary” perfect.

Wow… now am I being judgmental?   That is not my intent.  I’m just working through this stuff.   I know that everyone has their own issues personally and with their children…but I don’t know what those issues are…so I assume there aren’t any because they know how to parent properly.    OMG my thinking is so twisted!!

I hear (the voices in my head) saying if only you did this…or didn’t do that.  What were you thinking when you let this happen?   Didn’t you see that coming?   Why didn’t you find a church after you left the “BIG” one?  Were you being too picky?   Would that have changed things?  Who knows.  So many “what if’s”…

I know there are a few people who read my blog that don’t really know me.  Really KNOW me—

I know there are friends from high school that I haven’t hung out with in years, or ever.  And how about an “ex” spouse or two, or three.  Not to mention both friends and family who have never met me…

—and frankly could think that I might be off my rocker, and/or unstable.   Thanks so much for the vote of confidence.    I say that with a giggle…really I do.   (Does this straight jacket come in Pink?)

But you know…here’s the thing.   I’m vomiting what others think/feel but are scared, ashamed, or are maybe too personally private to actually come out and say.  I know, from the bottom of my heart, that I cannot be the only one going through my own personal parenting HELL.

I also know that if you’ve not been in this spot yet, are not here right now, or seriously think that you won’t ever be here…ok yeah.  Be prepared because you WILL wake up from that Fairytale dream soon enough.  Enjoy it while you can.

Bullying, teen trash talk, locker partners stealing, friends who stab you in the back, boyfriends that are less than desirable, girlfriends who lead you on…the list goes on and on.   These wonderful life experiences don’t discriminate because you went to church, or your kid was in soccer or dance.   I thought mine was going to devour an entire library at one point because she couldn’t stop reading.    She even read about the crap that is going on now…so that was some seriously wasted reading time.

One of my favorite parenting life experiences, that some of you might not want to believe, is a tough one to swallow.  Ready?    Did you know that your precious child WILL actually LIE to you, point blank, right to your face.   Yes, they WILL.  You just might not know, or want to know.   It will crush you.  After all…you taught them better, right?

Your child does not/will not swear right?  Will not sneak out, have premarital sex, drink, smoke, do drugs, have a fake ID.    Will not shoplift, will not leave the house in one outfit and change into another around the corner.  Your child will not look at porn, will not talk to strangers, will not meet someone on the Internet.  <Heavy Sigh>

You talked until you were blue in the face.  You will continue to do it.   You have taken all the steps to ensure Internet safety (from all the freaks) and safe surfing (so they don’t have to wash their eyes out with bleach)… You have even shared all the stories on the news about kids being kidnapped, raped and killed.  And you didn’t forget to discuss consequences like jail and how babies are made, STD’s and HIV.   <Insert another heavy sigh here>

Wow, really there’s more…?

  • morals
  • values
  • politics
  • religion
  • respect
  • …and that list goes on too.

I am telling you all of this because I needed to work through this stage of parenting with someone (all of you).  I needed to remind myself that I am not alone.   Each and every one of you will have your own issues to deal with when it comes to your children.  Some of them will be worse than mine; some of them will be trivial compared.

But the fact is still the same:  I don’t want to share the crappy stuff with any of you about what’s going on here for me as a parent, because I don’t want you to think any less of me…of my husband, my daughter or my boys.

And as I figured before I started this post, I got nowhere.

I am so blessed to know the hearts of a handful of you that read this…so I know you will tell me that you won’t judge, and that I’m free to share.   Thank you.   I will probably still not share ALL of it with ALL of you.

Why?   Because I want you all to believe that I am the best wife, best parent, best daughter, and friend out there…and that I have it all together.  And I want you to know that I have the best husband, the best daughter, the best sons and the best parents and friends out there too…because I do.

I hope you understand.  I also hope that when you feel like you’re all alone (and you’re in this spot where I am right now) that you know that no matter how bad it is you’re REALLY NOT alone, and that someone out there has it worse than you do.   For that I am sad, yet thankful.

Now you can answer me…am I alone, with a bunch of other “on the verge of tears” mothers, or am I just completely insane?

Did someone say parenting came with a manual?
If they did…THEY LIED.

Tune in next time for more fun topics like:

  • Oh, the wireless code?  That’ll be $29.95 in advance please.
  • What?  Our washer and dryer are coin operated?
  • Your house key won’t work after 1am?  I wonder why?

And my personal favorite:

  • You’re moving out?  But who will tie your shoes?

And now my wonderful friends…
I think I can finally sleep.
Goodnight Moon.   It’s 3:51am