Serenity Now!

Sometimes when you ask for something you get told no.   Usually there is a good reason.  But when the reason is so unclear, it makes it so much harder to accept.

I’m not exactly sure what I was trying to accomplish by asking…but I knew I needed to ask.  I don’t believe I expected a publishers clearinghouse type welcome, but I was hoping for more.  More information, more excitement, more interest, more curiosity…just more.

It felt like rejection.  But deep down, I know it wasn’t.  It was very simply a thank you, but no thank you.  It was not a “NEVER”, but it was definitely a “not anytime soon”.

Someday, I hope I get the phone call, email or letter that I really was searching for, but until then I will do my best to be patient and know that now my existence is known, and I am accessible.

…the truth of the matter is, some people will always be in our hearts, even though they are not in our lives…

Whoever wrote that, was brilliant.

I was going to title this post “Self-Help” but quickly realized I would not have done this for myself.  It is now appropriately titled.  ASSISTED Help.

I want to thank my Husband publicly (yes he does read this) for understanding the need I had for some quiet alone time.  This weekend I’m close, comfortable and recharging.  He made arrangements for me to have a nice room, downtown…everything I could possibly want (except home) within walking distance.

In less than 24 hours…

• I took a nap shortly after I arrived yesterday, that I didn’t know was essential.
• I’ve eaten a meal and had a drink, entirely by myself, in a restaurant.  Strange.  VERY Strange.
• I finally started the process of understanding some pieces of myself I have not wanted to look at.
• I’ve been writing down and working through some issues I keep bottled up.
• I am reading a book that is helping me realize that I MUST change some unhealthy habits.

So, though some may not really “get it”…this is just exactly what the doctor ordered.  The ‘medicine’ is working.  

Thank you G for loving me and my insanity.  Thank you for loving me though I am sometimes unbalanced.   Thank you for loving me even when you don’t know what to do with me…I love you.  There is NO ONE in this world who could do for me what you do, and put up with me day in, and day out.   

This is much less expensive than the alternative.  However, it’s also out of my comfort zone, so I am trying my hardest to make the MOST of every minute.

No one to answer to, or for.  No one to take care of but me.  For 48 hours.   Reality Check.

Things that are in my head, that I can share.

There is not just one single reason for me feeling this way.  It isn’t everyday anymore, but I still have them.  I’m getting much better at keeping it to myself.   I have been very open about having rough days over the past 8 months…and that does help…saying it out loud, not caring if anyone things I’m crazy.  I am crazy, in my own way, but no different really than any other person.   My crazy is just different than your crazy.

The first full day of our trip to SLC, I went to see my “legal dad”…I’m his only living family.  How sad is that?   He does have a cousin he’s pretty close with but that’s it.    Thankfully he has a “lady” friend that he does see regularly, which makes me happy.   I’m sad I didn’t get to meet her this visit.   He and I spent 7 hours talking about his life, his childhood, his parents, his time in the Navy…his marriage to my mom, my little brother, and memories of our life as a family.   I learned so much.  I was so intent on trying to remember every single word he said, that I’m kicking myself for not recording any of it.   He had found in an old briefcase about 10 family group sheets filled out (hand written), back in the 30′s and 40′s…he let me take them with me for my genealogy on the family.   He also had pictures, and another briefcase that he let me bring home as well the morning we left.   Pictures that are a gold mine (for lack of a better way to describe it) to a genealogist.   Birth Certificates, Marriage Certificates, Blessing paper work, diploma’s…pictures of him as a baby, as a teenager, and of grand parents, great grandparents…even great great grandparents…Wow…talk about Christmas in March!

Our main reason for the trip to SLC, was for the 9th Annual SLC International Tattoo Convention.   We went last year, an Hubby took home 2 – 1st Place plaques for the Shop.   Since his back piece is finished and healed (specifically so he could enter this year) we couldn’t miss this convention.   We took along Mom (CJ), so she could go to the Genealogical Library there (just a block away from the hotel, and get some work done).   I honestly think she did have fun hanging with all of us Freaky People.  Here she is “supportin” the team!

Now for the best news!  The artist who does our tattoo’s (Darcy Nutt) took home 3 awards out of 4 for her shop last weekend (March 9, 10 & 11).  One for my arm sleeve – 1st Place Best Color, one for Hubby’s back piece – 1st Place Back Piece, and one for our buddy’s leg sleeve – 1st Place for Best Sleeve!!!!  Andrew Pontius took home – 1st Place Best American Traditional!  These guys just rock, I’m telling ya!  See the interview and kudos here!

This week, well…week and a half, has been like an emotional roller coaster.   I’ve had fun, I’ve laughed, I’ve spent time with old friends, I’ve enjoyed one on one time with my “legal dad”.   I’ve been angry, I’ve been hurt, I’ve been excited and heartbroken.   I’ve even been grieving.   There are so many more emotions it would be ridiculous to list.

Losing my Step-Mom was harder on me than losing my (Biological) dad.   She was always the one who took care of me, laughed with all of us, played with all of us…she was a comfort to me.   I always knew how to get a hold of her if I needed anything, or needed to reach my siblings.   Now, I’m concerned that we’ll all slip away again, going our separate ways and I will be in the dark when it comes to their lives.

On Monday we said our last goodbyes to my Step-Mom, during her memorial.   Such a hard day.   Seeing people I haven’t seen in at least 30 years, having people wonder who I am because of the strange family dynamic we had.   My step-sister wanting me to be in the receiving line, as people left the chapel.   I think I lasted through about 5 people who just gave me the “who are you?” stare, then BabyAm and I snuck out.  I just didn’t think it was fair to anyone grieving.  Us included.

With the death of my Step-Mom (at such an early age (60), and seeing my “legal dad”…who is in fair (to give him the benefit of the doubt) health, and knowing that my “Step-Dad’s” health is not good…i’m feeling overwhelmed…with ‘OMG, life is so unpredictable’.   It can end so quickly, and I don’t know who wants what to happen…who has a living will, who wants to be cremated, who doesn’t want a viewing…my husband, my daughter, my boys…my brother and sisters that I’ve just been trying to console.  I need to get this in gear, oh my gosh…my in-laws, all of them…they are all in another state.  Do we need funeral insurance?  Why don’t we have life insurance?  We can’t leave all this burden for BabyAm.  It just doesn’t stop with me.

BabyAm got GREAT news yesterday, she got a job!   4 interviews later…but it will all be worth it!   I’m so happy for her.  Could quickly lead into full time, and great benefits!   Sadly, she’s been on “call in” for Jury duty this week, but thankfully has not had to go.   It finishes up on Friday and I’m hoping she’ll not have to go at all.   Next Tuesday is the day she turns 20.   That’s still so hard for me to grasp.  I don’t feel old enough to have a 20 year old.   Well, I guess I feel it…just don’t think I should be it.

She’s been staying with us for the past couple months (yes, she still has her apartment) but she wanted to try and work on getting her life in order.   I think this new job will really help.   It’s hard to watch her struggle, because somehow people with wicked (nice word huh?) issues are attracted to her and she really wants to help fix everyone.   So instead of getting herself together, she worries about helping them.   Not that-that is a bad thing, but you have to be somewhat centered and in control of your own life before you can care for others.  In my opinion anyway. She has been seeing a counselor, and might trade out (like I need too) but her meds are working so much better I think…I think she’s getting the right foot forward.  I hope, she needs to figure out some things in her life that are holding her back.   I know she can do it.  When she’s really ready.  And on top of all the things she’s going through, she just found out today that she has tonsillitis.   Great.

As for me, I’ve really not been myself lately.  (Gee, I wonder why)  I know I need to see a counselor more regularly (I haven’t gone in months), but I struggle because I’d rather hang out with her than spend $80 just tell her my issues.   She’s such a great lady, she would have so much fun with a handful of us…I think I probably need some kind of cranky old man to counsel me.  Someone who is stern and pushy.

I know I need a break, I just don’t feel like I have time for one.   And you might think that with our trip to SLC that was a nice break…yes, it was, but it wasn’t an “alone” break.   If I could have anything right now, it would be a weekend away from everything, just quiet.  Just to breathe, and not worry about anyone but myself.   Just to try and focus on what I need to work on to help get ME healthy mentally.   I know that everyone needs that break too.   My husband, my daughter, my mom…whoever you are reading this…I know we all need it.   That’s why I just put that on my wish list…so someday I won’t feel guilty about doing it.

This afternoon I said goodbye to a woman who held a very controversial place in my life.  For sake of mass confusion, she was basically my step-mom.   She loved me, just like one of her own kids.  She never treated me any differently than she did hers, and with her I felt like part of the family.   Something I never really felt from my own biological dad.

Saying goodbye is never easy, no matter who it is.   Today, it was a tough goodbye to someone’s Mother, Grandmother, Sister, Daughter, Wife, Aunt, and friend. Life is so fragile, and every day I take it for granted.

I don’t keep in touch very well with some that I need to.  I can’t explain why.  I just don’t.  How selfish.  I need to work harder on that part of my life.   I have been working on documenting the past for each side of my family, BabyAm’s and Hubby…the past.  What about the present, and the future.  Sometimes it all blends together with me.

For those of you who don’t know, I do have brothers and sisters.  I was raised though, as an only child and most of the time consider myself just that.   Again, selfish.  Not sharing with others that piece of my life, and not sharing with those siblings very much of myself.

My baby brother passed away in 1980, he was only 21 months old.  He is my 1/2 brother, same Mom.  He would be turning 34 this year.   There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss him.  (this pic is from 1979)

I have another 1/2 brother and 1/2 sister, same biological dad.  And a step-sister, who has the same mom as the two previously mentioned…that’s who passed away.  Their  mom.   I’ve known her for almost 40 years, my heart hurts.  (She’s on the very left, then Us kids, and our kids – Small Family Reunion – July 4, 2008)

I can not imagine losing both parents.   I’m lucky I have had 3 dads over the course of my life.  They have only had one.   Thankfully they have each other.   I hope this brings them all a bit closer, and that they continue to support one another in healthy ways.

…getting older sucks.  Losing people sucks.

Selfishly (I see a pattern with my issues) I don’t ever want the day to come when I lose my Mother, my best friend.  She is my rock.  I love you Mom!

And, as the rock of my siblings, Vonnie, may you finally rest in peace now.  You will be dearly missed.  I love you!   Thank you for being a part of my life.  You will be in my heart, always.

Cherish;  verb: (use with object)

1. to hold or treat as dear; feel love for: to cherish one’s native land.
2. to care for tenderly; nurture: to cherish a child.
3. to cling fondly or inveterately to: to cherish a memory.

I visited a friend last night, who’s son is in the hospital.  Honestly, he’s fighting HARD for his life.  I know he will recover, this is a strong (willed) kid, and his mom is the epitome of strength right now.  I was in awe of both of them.  When I left, I lost it.   I lost it over and over again the rest of the night if truth be told.

As a mother, I just was broken.  As a friend, amazed.   It’s amazing the lengths we will go to take care of our children, keep them safe and fight for their lives…IN ANY WAY NECESSARY!   We were born to be caregivers, we were born to dig down deep for our strength and patience, we carry the weight and burdens of our closest friends and family on our shoulders and in our hearts so they will have a lighter load.

I’m so thankful for this gift, of life.  Mine, my husband, my children, my family and friends…even for the lives of my 4 legged babies.   I can’t imagine my life without any of them.

Please cherish the gifts you’ve been given, hold them, love them, display them, use them…what ever they are.  Because there is no such thing as forever, and they could be gone in just the blink of an eye.   Continue (even harder) to fulfill your purpose with each of them.

If someone needs you, they won’t ask.  You will just know.  Don’t ignore it.  Be there, they may need something so small as just a hug or even your hand to hold through a tough moment, and that is a gift that they will appreciate more than you could ever imagine.

Reminded again on Friday, that even though we look at someone and believe they are perfect, have it all together, etc…they are just as real as I am.

Past pain, heartaches, mistakes.

I seem to think that only those closest to me have gone thru tons of crap…it’s just because that’s what I see, hear or have gone through with them.

When you don’t take the time to hear or see another persons inner world, you don’t realize they are human too.

Some of us want to be invisible, or superheroes. Some of us just want to be liked by everyone. Some people are just so in tune with their own soul that they aren’t bothered by the little things and don’t need any of those extra ways to cope. They own who they are and their beliefs.

I want that for myself. I will find that. I will become that. It’s time for momma to become Steph now. And be at peace with that. Accepting each of my strengths and weakness.

Weakness: I am a people pleaser. But I can’t be everything to everyone. This has to change. If you like me now for who I am then I would hope you’ll continue to like me. If you don’t like who I become, it’s ok. You don’t have to.

I was challenged (asked to actually) to do a little homework. Homework that will (is, because I’m doing it) help me find myself.  It is going to help me let go of people and things that don’t fill my comfort and necessary needs.   How scary.  But fear is what is keeping me in this place I’m in, and that is not acceptable.

I’ve lived through so many horrible things, lived through them…lived through them.   What can I go through in my future that I won’t be able to live through again?  Besides death, and that is inevitable.

Expect change in me.   Accept it, embrace it, or don’t.   Its time to see myself and those around me as real people, and how they fit into my life.

You’re kidding right?

Ya, I didn’t think so.

Right back to the same old crap again.   I can’t  say with 100% certainty about some of the games, but I can with others.  I’m a mom who knows.

I want to give up!

What kind of parent just gives up?  Who just let’s it all go?  I love her with all of my heart, but I do NOT like what she’s doing to herself and her life.  Some of it publicly.  REALLY?   Have you even met your parents?  I KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE TAUGHT YOU ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND PRIVACY, PERSONALLY.  What you put on the internet is there forever…just like this post.

I am hurt.  I am broken hearted.  I have been lied.to.again.  I am so disgusted.

I am alone in my head with my fears, my worries, my emptiness…my anger, my sadness, my failure as a parent…it’s not a happy place.

Guess the meds haven’t kicked in yet.  My fingers aren’t as fast as my head.   I don’t feel normal today.   I have had some very angry days…not entire days but portions.

You would think I would be strong enough to delete people from my facebook that I don’t actually talk to or have conversations with.  Some family, some people who were once friends, some that actually now seem to have only been for a season.   I thought they were friends, but hey when I made an effort and didn’t ever hear back a couple times…I guess I should have gotten the hint then.

I don’t have a job, but I do other things during the day besides facebook.  I like hearing what is on other peoples mind, see pictures of their day/vacations etc.   But it’s not the only means of communication available…Oh, well maybe it is…things are changing so fast.

…starting to mellow.   Still angry.

I feel judged still.   And I need to let go of those people who I let make me feel that way.

House cleaning.  Moving one mess, from one place to another.   Great.

Out of anger, and before the Xanax kicks in, I’m going to vent.   I don’t, at this point care who reads this, or who doesn’t.

I’m sick of just existing as a Mom.  I’m sick of worrying, I’m sick of stressing out.   This is not my life, but I know that when shit hits the fan, someone is going to have to pick up the pieces.  Seriously, I don’t mind doing that, but it’s nice to be involved at other times too.  The fun times, the happy times, the times when she’s got her head screwed on straight.

Rebellion sucks.   I don’t know if it’s on purpose, or if it’s just age, a whimsical personality and she doesn’t realize what she’s doing.  Damn, no…she knows… she’s smarter than that.   The “deer in the headlights” look doesn’t work anymore.   If you want to be treated like an adult you should act like one. Right?  How hard is it to check in???

I’m writing this here because I’m doing every single thing I can to not call/text her to find out what the hell she’s been doing for the last 3 days.   She needs to be looking for a job.  She needs to be keeping us in the loop.  When she’s quiet, something is up.  We all know that.  What the hell?

Finding a boyfriend, or talking to a “cute guy” right now is like holding on to a 50 foot steel pole during a lighting storm.   Stupid.   It should be the last thing that she is thinking about.   I know I taught her better than all of this.  Or did I?  Did I miss something?  An “essential” something?  OMG!

There really is more to all this than what I’m mentioning, but this is driving me insane.   I am at my maximum right now.   I feel as if I am the most unimportant person in the world to her.   Until she needs something, until she realizes that the people she thinks are her friends, are just using her for a ride, or a place to stay.

I am sure that someone out there in internet land (or family for that matter) will think I’m over reacting, but I assure you, this sucks ass.  I’m a wreck.  I’m sick of pretending everything is ok with her.   It’s not.   Maybe I am controlling, maybe I am over protective, maybe I am over reacting…but if you were in my shoes you would have probably the same issues about this, that I do.

You don’t want your children to fall, to fail, to get hurt…but you can’t save them from everything.  But they are your precious blood…How do all these parents do this?   How did my mom do this?

I hate it.

I hate it with every ounce of my being.

I think I need to kick things into high gear around here.   I told Hubby yesterday that even though I know I don’t have it, I feel like I have ADD.  I need to focus on something and get it done, so that I can feel accomplished.

Right now in my life, I’m trying to do so many things I can’t seem to wrap my arms around any of them.

Genealogy

• BabyAm’s Family – Still gotta call the Matriarch of the family…I’ve been putting that off.
• Hubby’s Family – Oh the pictures, data and organization…this hasn’t been worked on in almost 6 years and I left it undone then…
• 2 of My Families – I’m one of those lucky ones who has two paternal families.  I need to get them off my mom’s plate and I just don’t have it in me yet.

Around the house

• Continue to get my scrap-booking/genealogy room organized.  I keep so much stuff it’s unreal.
• Get scrap-booking again!  I’m so behind!
• Keep up with all my “chores”…it’s harder now with 2 kids here (Freckles is down until the weekend, and BabyAm stays here during his visits), but I love having the kids here.
• All the other miscellaneous things I need to do…baseboards, paint, wallpaper stripping, all around fresh new look for things.

Things for me

• Use my Gift Certificate with JoJo (and JP’s Momma, and BH) and go back to Hot Yoga.  I miss it.   I think there is a beginners class tonight…hummm…that’s a possiblity.
• Go shopping with my Gift cards from Christmas.
• Maybe try 2-a-days’ at the gym, or longer in the mornings.
• Use my Gift Certificate for a 60 minute massage (from my parents @Christmas)
• I probably need to see my shrink, since I cancelled my last appt.
• I know I need my face “done”…ouch!
• Oh, a pedicure would be nice, and some acrylics…sigh.

Catch up with friends:

• Have lunch with my previous neighbor the Cycle Path…
• Today I’m finally getting to have coffee with another previous neighbor that I haven’t seen in over a year. (I hope it doesn’t get cancelled)

Those lists are just the major things I need to do, there are so many other little minor things, too many to name.   So, if you’re bored and looking for something to keep you occupied.  Please don’t hesitate to come on over and make yourself at home.  I could use some working company.

…and in addition to all that, I’m still searching for (inner) peace.