My head has been a non-stop, unfocused, overthinking…circle of emotions.  My only comparison?   A hamster wheel.  I’m tired.

For the past two years +, my life has been beaten down, broken, hopeless at times and then attempted to be glued back together with broken promises, lies and manipulation.  As each day passes, some things do feel like they are falling into place, but then…my head starts spinning again.

I lose it.  I lose my ability to be concerned with myself because I’m so focused on everyone else.  Wanting to help. Be there to catch them.  Be the fixer.  The caregiver.   I feel like I am the only one who can do it all.  I don’t want to let go.

I want to be the one who keeps the friendships together, but why when the majority of them aren’t putting in any effort?  The one who checks in on Family who has no one else to visit with, to share with.   I don’t want anything in return.  Just to know my presence is welcomed.

BabyAm is no longer my “baby”…that’s a hard chunk to swallow.  She has put herself in the shitty situation she’s in, all by herself.  As a Mom, I can’t stand watching her learn the hard way.  I gave her the easy directions but they must have been misplaced somewhere along the way. I believe in her.  I have blind faith that she will continue to work through the mud and guck that got her stuck here in the first place.   She’s beautiful and smart…although sometimes to her detriment, but I know she can succeed in anything she puts her mind to!

She has been living at the Women’s Mission for about 7 weeks now.  That does not feel right.  Though we set a date for her to move out, the courts took her out 1st, ordered her to the Women’ Mission and among other things, placed a no contact order on our house.  We can still see her, just not here.  That makes things almost impossible.  She’s working a full time day job, has Drug court classes 4 nights a week, AA meetings and strict curfew rules at the shelter.  Did I just say shelter…ugh.  No parent should have to go through this.  I rarely get to see her and even talking or texting is hit and miss with her schedule.  Sober friends usually get her free time, which breaks my heart but I try and understand she’s trying to grow up and help us both let go of each other.   I hate it. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have a daughter…I feel an empty spot where she’s supposed to be.  She’s where she is supposed to be tho.  She will get the direction she needs from others to grow and flourish in this big world. The world that needs her experiences to pass on to others who need comfort and encouragement, from someone who KNOWS and understands just where they are, loves/accepts them for just who they are until they can love themselves.   I know this all has happened for a reason.  I can’t wait to see what great things come out of this!!

As for me, I’ve been to counseling off and on, been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, BiPolar II, and been re diagnosed with ADHD.  Fun stuff.  2 years of taking my mood stabilizer for the BiPolar, I began having tremors.  Gradually getting worse and worse.  So much that my beautiful hand writing looked just like a 90 year old man’s.  Very rough.  I felt as if I was going to go crazy.  Not being able to text, to type on the laptop keyboard, not being able to hold a fork steady enough to get it into my mouth, or keep my legs from bouncing up and down (in public no less).

All of this happening while changing med doctors 3 times, and counselor twice… No fault of my own.  The newest med doc started from the beginning with me, and immediately took me off the medicine she thought was causing the tremors…6 weeks later…90% better! Writing like my own self again.  Some days are worse than others but anything is better than it was!  She changed up my meds and decided that I needed to feel all these emotions right now.  That it’s healthy, and I’ve been so numbed up the past couple years that it was time to experience the reality of hurt, concern, anger and to feel happiness when I’m able.  I didn’t like hearing it, but I understood and accepted it.

Add into my own issues…KKs cancer returned, in her lungs this time and into her brain just as quickly.  She started out with 5 tumors in her brain…it’s now up to 8.  Some of them are new, some have grown, and a couple stayed the same.  She has two new lymph nodes growing in her lung in addition to the cancer mass.  In January (2014), the doctor gave her 6-12 months.  It’s now August. Her daughter GI Jane is expecting a little boy the end of Dec/1st of Jan…her 1st grandbaby!  Today started her 3rd round of radiation.   Possibly a third round of chemo as well…hoping for a few more months.  I want to be there for her again at every appointment, every radiation etc…but sometimes I don’t feel welcomed by others in her family.  They weren’t the ones sitting with her all day during chemo, watching the nurses pump poision into her body..so some days now are harder than others, but I manage.  Crying after almost every appointment once I get to my car.

Selfish moment here because I’m not the only one feeling this horrible heartache…but this is my best friend.  She’s only 44.  Why her?   Watching this happen for the past 4 1/2 years has been devastating. Seeing her sick, lose her hair, have blood clots in her legs, develop steroid induced diabetes that put her in the hospital for 3 days.  Her family…my heart just aches for them.   A daughter who is also going to lose her best friend and mother, a Grandbaby on the way, 8 year old little man and a husband who just got told that he needs back surgery ASAP…and his career is over.  What more can be throw at this precious family?

And on the home front here…well my rock, my wonderful…loving…patient…kind husband has his hands full at work.  He has been out of town so much this past year, and this month we have figured he will be gone 20 out of 31 days.  Tough.  We are trying to get used to the “Empty Nest” again but it’s even more empty without him.  I know that’s how he supports us, so I support him and his job. It doesn’t make it suck any less tho.  This man is my world.  I love him dearly.

There’s still more to share, but another day.

Overall, things are ok.  Very up and down. Just like me every night.  But it’s just still gotta be “One Day at a Time”.  Right?  Sometimes one hour, one minute, one second…

Lately I have wanted nothing more than to have the “old BabyAm” back…but unfortunately I’m sure she wasn’t healthy mentally, emotionally or physically then either. I hope someday she is able to find peace again.

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I am so interested to know who of her “friends” were really there for BabyAm when she was at her lowest. I would like to know who of her “friends” profess they support her and how her recovery comes first but still find it necessary to drunk text her. I know of 4 that checked on her, one out of state, one that stole her underwear and violated the privacy of her phone, another who isn’t doing so well either and then one that has shown he too…is a tool.

Interested to know how someone she cared about could put her in a potentially life altering position by taking her back to a place with so many triggers, used her and tossed her in the trash.

Interested to know why would anyone do those things to someone who is obviously vulnerable and in need of being supported and loved for who she is and where she is, without ANY temptations including but not limited to drugs…alcohol…or sex.

Interested to know why some of our friends have drifted and or are hiding from us. Do they think we have something they or their children can catch? Idiots. It’s not the common cold or a rash. It’s addiction. What are YOU ADDICTED TO? Porn? Oreos? Control?

People suck.

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Reminder to myself: It’s not about me.

But I would have loved to have been there to see you get your chip, and share in that moment.

Congratulations 6 months is great. I’m proud of you. I hope when you get your ‘year’, I will be invited.

You can do this.

Hurting already today…

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And yesterday was so wonderful, sharing 14 years with my amazing husband.

Emotional week. I love you Mom.

I was given an assignment by a temporary sponsor this past week to make a list of 10 Things I am Grateful For.   I have been trying to do it for months.  So, here it is, in all it’s glory.   I don’t know if it’s right, I don’t know if it needs tweaking but at 4:45am on Sunday June 9th, 2013…these are the things I was grateful for.

  1. Husband who loves me, and puts up with me…treats me like a queen.
  2. Mother who loves me unconditionally and has helped me grow by learning lessons she couldn’t teach me, because I needed to do it on my own
  3. Divorced first husband, but got my darling daughter out of that marriage, and ultimately out of that atmosphere.
  4. Though darling daughter has chosen the rocky path, she still has both feet on the ground and is trying to get back to the junction where the more smooth path lies.  And she’s alive, clean and sober.
  5. I have a roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and amenities I don’t need because my husband works hard to take care of his family.
  6. That I’m not alone, there are others who know how I  feeling, how I have felt, and how I am going to feel…they are there for me to encourage me, and offer strength and hope.
  7. That finally after several years I have a medical diagnosis and am taking the proper medication, and have someone monitoring my progress.  I am more balanced.
  8. I am free.  I am free to go for a walk, to make choices, to say yes/no with out explanation.  I am free to be myself, and have myself shine through inside and out.
  9. I am loved unconditionally by my family. That is amazing.
  10. My problems can all be solved with acceptance, once I am ready to admit, and give in to being powerless over everything…except myself.

It has to be my new medicine. I am cranky again and headaches galore.

I had to change one because last month it was $15. This month $104….because THEY CAN.

My sponsor flaked out.
My shrink took a new job.
My Psych PA took a new job.
And…
My General Practioner PA left as well.

I have a head full of crap and can’t let it out. Nice.

BabyAm is 137 days clean and sober. So proud of her.

I am grateful. But extremely cranky tonight.

Yesterday I started to write this:

Today we face adversity.  I hate it.  I don’t handle BS well.  UGH.

So BabyAm finally after 35 days got to come home Wednesday night.  She’s 63 days sober today (maybe 64).  I think that’s awesome.   I’m sure it’s a wonderful feeling for her to be able to have that much time behind her.

The court system blows so much of the time, but in her case…with the Judge she has, wow did she ever get a second chance.   A blessing.  (And like I said, I don’t say that anymore in quite the same way.)

Today has started out rough though, and she was told she needs to have a plan B regarding her living arrangements.   This is not cool.   It’s so frustrating for all of us.   So now we wait.

Last night I had the first real breakdown I have had in a couple months…partially because of all the shitty events of the day, partially because I got another taste of what it feels like to be the “cancer” of the family…or that our friends might catch the family “DISEASE”…

Now add to that the bold face lies that Hubby’s ex-wife told him, and that the company we were going to have for the weekend, in March, decided not to stay with us for whatever reason…ok, it’s a total SHIT reason, and it broke my heart…and I was a wreck.

I had just started feeling like I had things together, or at least that I was doing better.   I suppose we all have setbacks.  I just didn’t think mine was going to happen within 48 hours of BabyAm being home.

I gave Facebook the finger last night too.   At least for a little while.

She came in to my room last night and rubbed my head and hand while I cried, and just loved on me.   It was nice.  I fell asleep feeling like someone understood me.

So yesterday I headed “Up North”.  I’m glad I came.

I needed to get away, maybe I was getting a little stir-crazy.   But honestly, I didn’t think about either of those things, I just knew that I absolutely HAD to come.   Reason:  My ex-husband’s, father’s, 2nd wife passed away…and he called ME.  He didn’t call any of his kids, they don’t keep in touch with him.  I do.  He told me they never cared about her.  But I did.

I didn’t have to think twice, neither did Hubby.  He told me “get your stuff packed, I’ll be there in two hours to trade you cars.”

He (will call him “Senior” for blog sake) was so happy to see me today. He had NO idea I was coming.   I told him that I was going to send him a plant to remind him of her everyday, and have something to “take care of”…so before I just waltzed right over there, I called him first. Checking in on him, which isn’t unusual.  I asked if he had company, and then if would he like some.  He was quiet.

I told him I wanted to deliver his plant to him personally and give him a hug. Then he asked with a smile in his voice “Steph…where are you?”   I giggled and said “just down the street”.

I haven’t seen him in TWENTY ONE YEARS.  That was the one and only time I had met him before today again.   My heart breaks at the thought of losing my husband after any amount of time…let alone 30 years.   Holy cow.

B and V June 17 1983

That is them in June 1983…

Life is so fragile.  We take so much of our daily lives for granted.

Right now, I’m sitting in a WARM hotel room, watching the snow fall through the window.   There are many without a warm place tonight.

Though my situation is not ideal, I still have my family to hug and kiss when others have lost their most precious gift too soon.   Too soon, it’s ALWAYS too soon.

The Gratitude List is coming…I promise.  Thanks Headless Mom for pointing me in a direction that I wasn’t really thinking about.  Imagine that.