Serenity Now!

I think I need to kick things into high gear around here.   I told Hubby yesterday that even though I know I don’t have it, I feel like I have ADD.  I need to focus on something and get it done, so that I can feel accomplished.

Right now in my life, I’m trying to do so many things I can’t seem to wrap my arms around any of them.

Genealogy

• BabyAm’s Family – Still gotta call the Matriarch of the family…I’ve been putting that off.
• Hubby’s Family – Oh the pictures, data and organization…this hasn’t been worked on in almost 6 years and I left it undone then…
• 2 of My Families – I’m one of those lucky ones who has two paternal families.  I need to get them off my mom’s plate and I just don’t have it in me yet.

Around the house

• Continue to get my scrap-booking/genealogy room organized.  I keep so much stuff it’s unreal.
• Get scrap-booking again!  I’m so behind!
• Keep up with all my “chores”…it’s harder now with 2 kids here (Freckles is down until the weekend, and BabyAm stays here during his visits), but I love having the kids here.
• All the other miscellaneous things I need to do…baseboards, paint, wallpaper stripping, all around fresh new look for things.

Things for me

• Use my Gift Certificate with JoJo (and JP’s Momma, and BH) and go back to Hot Yoga.  I miss it.   I think there is a beginners class tonight…hummm…that’s a possiblity.
• Go shopping with my Gift cards from Christmas.
• Maybe try 2-a-days’ at the gym, or longer in the mornings.
• Use my Gift Certificate for a 60 minute massage (from my parents @Christmas)
• I probably need to see my shrink, since I cancelled my last appt.
• I know I need my face “done”…ouch!
• Oh, a pedicure would be nice, and some acrylics…sigh.

Catch up with friends:

• Have lunch with my previous neighbor the Cycle Path…
• Today I’m finally getting to have coffee with another previous neighbor that I haven’t seen in over a year. (I hope it doesn’t get cancelled)

Those lists are just the major things I need to do, there are so many other little minor things, too many to name.   So, if you’re bored and looking for something to keep you occupied.  Please don’t hesitate to come on over and make yourself at home.  I could use some working company.

…and in addition to all that, I’m still searching for (inner) peace.

Unfortunately the weekend didn’t go how I would have hoped.   I was actually happy to see it come to an end if the truth be known.  Never thought I’d say that.  Never in a million years.

The most bothersome of the weekend that was an assumption about a friend of ours.  A great friend.   An assumption that just made my head explode.   It was handled so poorly to begin with that it just spiraled out of control, which sent my blood pressure through the roof, and my heart to my sleeve yet again.   I wear it there a good portion of the time, sadly.

I honestly believe that if you want to judge me.   Fine.  Enjoy yourself.  You’re the one missing out, and you’re the one who’s true colors are seen very vividly.  But when you start judging my friends, that is when you’ve really stuck a knife in my gut…

I’ll admit freely, that I am one who actually does judge a book by it’s cover.  An actual book…that you read…with paper and words in it.   Mostly because I’m not an avid reader and if the cover and 2 paragraph summary doesn’t catch my attention, I know I won’t read it and move on to the next one.  HOWEVER, when it comes to people.  Living, breathing, walking, talking people…THAT is something that I have learned (yes, learned…the hard way) to never do.

I don’t care what you look like.  I don’t care what color your skin, eyes or hair is.  I don’t care if you are into classical music or doom metal.  I really could care less if you are tattooed, pierced or as plain jane as they come.   Whether you are working or not, have a Ferrari or a bicycle.  That means nothing to me about your character.

What I care about is how you treat people, how loving and caring is your heart.   Would you be there for me if I needed you?  Would you stand up for me, would you put your reputation on the line?  Would you welcome me in if it was cold, or a ride home if it was raining?  Would you trust me with your children, and that I can trust you with mine?  Are your morals equal to mine?  Are my personal thoughts and feelings safe with you?

I truly believe that it’s not about the outside, it’s about what’s on the inside that counts.  Said so many times, but is it ever described…is it really something people believe, or do they just say it when it’s convenient?   I know that I live it.

If you know me, really know me.  I think you would shake your head and say “Yes, she does live it”.  If you don’t, I hope you know it now.  I don’t like hypocrites, I don’t like people who are racist, I don’t like people who are judgmental and ignorant.

I am proud of the company I keep.  I am obviously protective too.  I hope that the next time you look at someone who looks differently than you, that you stop and wonder how HUGE their heart is, or what pain they might have been/are going through.  Because, it’s those that hide it, who keep their guard up (in what ever way), those that choose to be different…that I have found to be the most genuine.

When you judge my friends, you judge me…and that is something I take very personally.  My friends and family are my most precious treasures.

Today is a good Monday.  I put into words my feelings and I’m going to share it with all of you.

Fridays, even though I don’t work (outside the house), are nice.   I know that the weekend brings less stress for everyone around me.  Usually.

I’ve been having some really rough days this past several weeks, and even though they are rough, they are nothing like they used to be.   Today, I am focusing on my list of things to accomplish.  Some things are ongoing, some I have been putting off, and some are just plain boring.  I guess that’s the story of life.  I’ve been noticing that others have been having a rough January this year too.  It could be our abnormal weather.

My head has been spinning a lot with thoughts that I can’t explain, nothing bad.   Just things I never really thought of before.   I’m working through those too.  I think I over think.   LOL  I’m not sure there is any way to stop myself from doing that.   I can’t stand the saying “it is what it is”…but unfortunately that fits right now.

I really wish that I had more patience to write.  To document.  To share.   In getting back to researching with my mom, I’ve read so many neat stories about the 1800′s and early 1900′s…that it has inspired me to try and gather a few stories of my own for my books, for my future generations of family.   The Penguins have agreed to answer some questions for me, which will be very fun!   And in talking to a family member in SLC, he’s also agreed, so that’s another family altogether.   But honestly, I need to answer those same questions, or similar ones myself.   sigh.  patience.  motivation.  AH!

It’s hard enough for me to make sure and keep blogging.   This is the only place I have right now that I have to look back at and remember things I’ve done, or how I’ve felt.   So I’ve got to continue to push on.

One thing that really strikes me as happening now (that I must get off my chest)…and has been quite a bit recently is people (clients) calling hubby for help with things that are NOT in his scope of work with them…for example, a client called the other night because he was at a hotel (obviously not in town), and could not get on the internet.   He called Hubby, his IT guy for his company (how many 1000 miles away?)…instead of calling the front desk of the hotel.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  If the toilet at the hotel is broke, are you going to call your company’s maintenance man too?  No, you’re going to call the front desk.   OMG.

Another thing that is just grinding on me, is friends (or are they really) who only call when they need help with their computer, or they can’t get their home network set up right, can’t get their email on their phone, need to buy a printer and want advice…SERIOUSLY, we haven’t talked in HOW LONG, and you need me now at 10PM at night…for this?   It’s just a bunch of shit if you ask me.   They know he’s too nice.

I decided that this new year was going to be a year I tried to really focus, and be (mentally) where I need to be at that moment…and that I didn’t want to take any crap, just tell it like it is.   I’m working on it.  Don’t know if I’m all the way there on either thing, but I’m not giving up.

Life is a strange thing.  Finding peace in this life is tough, especially when failure is not an option.   Now I know why my mom used to tell me she was running away.  I don’t blame her.  I want to run away sometimes too.

Since it’s Friday, I think I’ll just leave my baggage at the keyboard and try and spend this weekend clearing my head, enjoying each moment, and being focused on where I am.

Was kinda cranky yesterday. Hid out in my scrapbooking room organizing all day…and did laundry.  Nothing that could really harm me.

Feel like I’m falling apart.  I hate getting older.  Today there was NO excuse for not going to the gym.  Other than I didn’t really WANT to go.   I do enjoy coming home from the gym though, I always feel accomplished.  Today almost 4 miles on the stationary bike.  Haven’t ridden one in forever…but JoJo and I wanted to visit and not waste exercise time…it worked.  Nice to ease back into the swing of things.

There was a website that I was “turned on to” by a friend…I got to share things there, pictures sayings, etc. that I liked, that I felt, that just was MY PLACE…well and a zillion other people I didn’t know.  (Except for most of my FB friends and family).  I was happy that I could just post what I felt like posting.  Now, in the last two weeks, about 15 of my FB friends have found me and are following me, and I don’t feel safe and un-judged anymore.   I don’t feel like it’s special, or private.   It wasn’t to begin with in all reality, and all those people have a right to find me…but dang it.   Part of me says how neat it is that they want to follow me, and see what I am up to…the other part says GO AWAY, stop stalking me!   So instead of being public with my posts, I’ve been saving them to my computer, phone, and ipad.  (My Photo Stream).   Sigh.

Been working on BabyAm’s bio-family genealogy.   It’s kept me very busy for the last 60 days.   I have found so much information…and yet a couple family members are hiding out pretty well from me.  I’m at a point where I’m almost ready to move on back to another family…Mine and Hubbys.   I still have a lot of work to do on those.   I’ve been trying to be a little proactive in asking for info, and asking for face to face meetings with family…so hopefully that will help.

Still having issues with trying to let go…vague answers have always irritated me.  “I’m Out”…rather than “oh, I’m out with so and so, we are at…” drives me insane.   Makes me feel like I’m not worth knowing.   I had a friend who used to do that to me, so it really kills me when I get it from one of the kids.

I wish Freckles would just move here.  I miss him like Crazy.  I miss the Dark Knight too, but I know he’s gotta grow up like BabyAm.   Freckles is still an itty bitty little guy…you know 6’1″ and cuddly.  He needs his Steph-Mom.  I know he does.

I guess it’s time to try and tackle another thing on my never ending list of things to do…but first more coffee.

PS.  I’m sure all my new family and friends on FB (those I’ve contacted for info etc.) all think I’m a pill poppin, drunk, psycho…because I love posting these funny pictures.   I am just hoping they realize it’s a sense of humor I’m trying to shine, not mental distress.

Mama said there’d be days like this…

Why am I having so many of them?   Days turn into weeks…so quickly.   I hate not knowing.  I’m having a hard time letting go.

I’m doing it…

But, honestly, I hate every minute of it.

I wonder how my mom managed.  I don’t really remember much about moving out…I wanted out.  I moved out of the house, and in with what would be my first husband, and I knew it all.  All.

Did I call my mom to let her know I was home and safe.  I doubt it.

Did I call my mom just to check in daily.  I doubt that too.

I’m sure I said things to my mom that stung too.  Like, just yesterday I heard this:

“Mom, I’m 19 years old, I have my own apartment, a steady job and I just bought a new car, I’m old enough to make that decision myself.”

Score:   Mom ZERO, Daughter FIVE.  In seconds.

I suppose it will get easier.

Until then, I’ll just keep doing what I do best.  Worrying.

After 12.5 years, I finally popped a vein on the Hubby’s 1st Ex-Wife.   I am so sick of her BS, I had to give her a piece of my mind.   Unfortunately she missed out on the last email I wrote…which included something about me not being a mind reader and I’d dust off my crystal ball and give it a whirl.   I should have sent it anyway.

This year, my resolution isn’t really a resolution at all…but I’m going to try and focus more.  Focus on each piece of my life…where ever I am, what ever I’m doing…I want it to have my full attention.  Sounds simple enough.   And that raging lunatic woman got my focus all freaking day.   I am a little frustrated that I let her get to me, but it won’t happen again.

I’m not going to take anyones crap either.   You wanna mess with me, you’re going to get exactly what I need to say…bluntly.  Can you tell today just totally sucked?  Well, not all of it…it started out REALLY good, then I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.  Oh well.  It felt so good.

I have a shrink appt on the 9th, and I seriously can’t wait.   It’s so nice to just vomit all over someone who is an outsider sometimes.   She always gives me a different perspective and she challenges my thoughts.  I like that.

I think part of my problem might be this inbetween stage with the kids…not kids anymore, and not acting like the bright young adults that they are.   What is the problem?   Have two choices, choose the right/moral one, and move on.   No issues.   Yeah, that doesn’t happen.

Been doing some family research on BabyAm’s family.   Lots of ghosts in that closet…lots of people who don’t want to talk, lots of things (marriages mostly) that I am having a tough time proving, but it’s fun.  But tonight I’m going to make sure I take my medicine so my mind can quit going 100 miles an hour.  I forgot last night and tossed and turned thinking about dead people, and not just one family…several.  I was up at 4:30 wide awake, and emailing with JP’s Momma who couldn’t sleep either.  I think I’ve known this all along, but I’m realizing it more and more each day:

Scary.  But true.  Especially in the genealogy sense.   It's so addicting.   I get the bug and then I can't quit.

So that's today in a nutshell.   I'll try for a happier post soon.  Remember I went to NEW YORK baby!  So much to tell!  But now, it's time for some lemonade...

 Because when life gives you lemons...
you make lemonade, to wash down the Xanax, of course!

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.
~ Dalai Lama

I think my peace has been misplaced.   It’s not like I haven’t been trying to find it.  I’ve spent so much time looking…obviously not enough.  Maybe I don’t know the meaning of peace, as he is referring to.  I’ve found a couple things I’d like to share with you.

Ten signs and symptoms of Inner Peace:

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment
• A loss of interest in judging other people
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others
• A loss of interest in conflict
• A loss of the ability to worry
• Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature
• Frequent attacks of smiling
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it

~ Peace Pilgrim

So, I know I absolutely don’t have inner peace if the above is anywhere close to the truth.   It’s ok.   I guess it’s like the pursuit of happiness…you just have to continuously work on achieving it.

The most important factor in maintaining peace within oneself. In the face of any difficulty, is one-mental attitude.  If it is distorted by such feelings as anger, attachment or jealousy, then even the most comfortable environment will bring one no peace. On the other hand, if one’s attitude is generally calm and gentle, then even a hostile environment will have little effect on one’s own inner peace. Since the basic source of peace and happiness is one’s own mental attitude, it is worthwhile adopting means to develop it in a positive way. ~ Dalai Lama

Ya, I’m no where near any of this.   Anger, attachment, jealousy…i have it all.   Calm, (nope my blood pressure is almost 40 points higher than it’s ever been) gentle (nope, compassion for most things is almost non-existent) and hostile environments effect me now more than I ever imagined.

Guess it’s time to work on my attitude.

Is it my job to help others take responsibility for their own (attitude that is)?   I believe in some instances it is…what kind of person would I be if I was so selfish as to only work on myself.   There has to be a middle ground.  I don’t know how long it will take me, and then that means that others will be in this same turmoil for longer…

I wonder if it would benefit me to leave my phone at home when we go on vacation.   Hubby will have his.   Do I need mine?   I think I’m going to seriously consider that.   It’s one less worry, one less distraction.

…I’ll keep searching…I’m not giving up!

For BabyAm;  I love you.
You are my anti-drug.

Originally written March 23, 2006, by BabyAm age (almost 14).

My Family

When I wake up in the morning and see the sun – my family is what makes me warm.

When I’m lonely and sad my family is there for me, they hug me and tell me it will be alright.

When I’m happy they are always there to share my joy, to celebrate with me and kiss me.

When they look at me, call me, wave at me or email me I just have to smile because I love them so much.

But dope and alcohol can’t make you warm, they can’t hug or kiss you, sure it can make you smile but that’s because you’re stoned or drunk. It can never love you like your family can.

That’s why my family is my anti-drug.

My Writing

When I feel the pen hit the paper it’s like nothing can stop me, like I have no limits.

It’s when no on can influence me, tell me what to think, to write, to say or do.

It’s just me the pen, paper, and my own thoughts.

It’s when my imagination can run wild and free where anything counts and isn’t wrong.

It’s so fun to watch the pen dance on the paper trying so hard to catch up my thoughts and it never stops till I want it to.

And when I think about what weed and alcohol can do to your brain, your heart, your soul, your body, my pen just goes faster and faster and pushes on no matter how bad my hand hurts.

Then when I stop and look up to find out what I’m writing I read it and laugh, and I just keep going on and on because that’s what I can do without drugs and drinking.

You know why? Writing is my Anti-drug.

My books – Reading

Whenever I pick up a book I have an unspoken goal, a point I want to get to.

It makes me feel like I’m there, like I’m in a movie, where I control the characters and when they stop and go, where I can pause it in my mind.

I can go somewhere safe and escape from reality, I don’t need drugs or drinking to do that.

Reading can’t hurt me, can’t kill me, can’t make me feel worthless.

I get into it so much that I’m my own character, and I dream about being in the book.

Reading inspires me, makes me happy, it gives me a natural high that I don’t need drugs or alcohol to do.

I don’t even need to be prepared because all I need is my eyes and imagination.

It’s what I do. Reading is my anti-drug.

My Music

If I can feel the beat, hear the sound, sing along, or hum the tune you know I’m game.

I’ll dance like no one’s watching, I’ll sing like I’ve never sang before, and I’ll listen to the lyrics tell me a story.

When you’re high or so drunk that you don’t care and don’t appreciate it, well that offends me.

I love the music with all my heart and if you don’t respect it then you don’t respect me, and you better not cross my path because you don’t want to mess with me.

Club drugs and alcohol may make you dance and be happy but when I dance, it’s a different happy.

It’s a “I’m healthy, strong and don’t need painful, killing drugs or alcohol in my system” happy that makes me want to dance all night.

Oh and incase you didn’t know music is my life, music is my anti-drug.

My Future

When I look around and see what drugs and drinking has done to people I say to myself: “That’ll never be me.”

When I listen to the wrong decisions people have made in the past I say to myself: “I’ll never do that.”

When I see the successful people walking amongst me and they’re smart choices, I say to myself: “I hope that’ll be me!”

When I look up to the people who’ve made it far in life and without drugs or drinking I say to myself: “I hope that’s me someday!”

I say these things in hope for a better future, a great success story to tell to my grandchildren, to be known for something great in life.

I say these things for I choose my own future and I want that college education, I want the life that I choose without drugs or drinking for my children too.

I want to be like someone like them with people looking up to me because of something I did.

My life is my future and I wont let it get wasted, therefore it is my anti-drug.

Tonight sucked… But the Broncos won! I wish they cancelled each other out. no such luck.

Breakfast with JoJo and JPsMomma in the morning after the gym so I’m hoping tomorrow will be better.

Monday morning I have TWO appointments that are necessary and I’m excited for both. One is painful, one is e-VENT-full.

Only 12 days until I visit the Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made Of… Oh how it’s much needed!

There have been several things over the past couple weeks that have made me smile.   I thought I’d better share them while they are still fresh.

This picture (above) was after many many many (Chocolate Cake) shots, is of JP’sMomma and I.   Hubby was letting me know it was time to take his French Maid home (some guys like curvy girls!) and The Catholic School Girl wasn’t havin any of that.   I didn’t know I could pout like that.  Guess I wasn’t ready to go home.   JP’sMomma just turned 40 the day before so, it was a Halloween Party to remember.   (And you’ll never know the whole story…)

Aren’t they cute?   BabyAm introduced us to her new guy (who needs an alias) at the party as well, poor guy got dropped right into the middle of pure craziness for the first time.  JP’sMomma and I are pretty protective of BabyAm…but unfortunately none of us were dressed the part except Hubby

…and if that didn’t scare him off, nothing should.

Here I’m freely showing my Hubbys backside (literally) so that you can see the work he’s getting done by Darcy Nutt @ Chalice Tattoo.   (Clicking on this picture or any of them will make them larger).  This is a version of the Wrathful Deity Palden Lhamo who is considered to be the principal  Protectress of Tibet.  I think this was after his 4th session.  Our great friend Luke has been making video’s of each session if you’d like to see them click here.

Another cute couple.  On this evening we were invited to Taj Mahal with “The Gang”.  I’d never been to Indian Food before.  It was fun, as you can see!  Afterward we all walked down to the Neurolux for a couple drinks and continued great company.  I love hanging out with Chad, Darcy, and Luke.   That specific night we had the pleasure of also hanging with Ashley from Hidden Hand Tattoo in Seattle.  She’s such a doll!  I wish I would have had her tattoo me!  Next time!

As Hubby and I were walking back to our car…I saw something pink stuck to one of those Newspaper Vending Machines…so I went back!   How cool is this?  Made me smile!  Nothing like lifting another persons spirit anonymously.   I don’t know who to give exact credit to, but…Caitlin at Operation Beautiful gets big props from me.  Go check out what she’s doing…I can’t wait to pay forward the sunshine.  (and yes, I left it there!  Maybe Darcy and Ashley saw it on their way back to the car too!  who knows!)

How sweet is this?  I really want to love this kid!  He took all the fixins (plus fresh flowers and candles) to BabyAm’s apartment and made her dinner!  People!  This young man actually picks up the TELEPHONE (gasp!) and CALLS (another gasp!) her to talk to her, and to ask her out etc…CALLS!   OMG!  He’s making some serious points with Mama Bear.  LOL

Mmmmm…fresh seafood!  This new restaurant opened its doors to the public TODAY!  Lucky Fins Seafood Grill.   (side note:  the website will be changing a bit in the near future, but for now, look at the menu!)  I must tell you that I have had the pleasure of watching this restaurant go from a shell…to a pearl!   I have been able to taste some of the most unbelievable food I have ever tasted, and met the owners and the Chef personally.  Additionally, we were invited to a private soft opening party/dinner on Friday night.  What a fantastic experience!  I just don’t even know what to say, other than if you’re local…GET THERE!

These people are getting there!  LOL – Just kidding.  I have no idea who these people are, or why they look to be the only ones dressed “down” on this particular hike/day…but I thought it was a hysterical picture, and I couldn’t help but share it!

I’ve still been running, doing weights and some yoga with JoJo…I wish I had pictures but I’m sure none of them would be appropriate in this post titled “Things that make me smile”.  So just know that I’m enjoying spending some time with JoJo, getting some exercise in and hope the weight starts dropping soon.  (all in good time!)

OMG, did I mention we are going to New York?   YES!  in just 20 days!   Flight booked, hotel booked, list of things to do in process.   OMG, NYC!   Neither of us have ever been so of course this makes me smile!!!