Watch me go!
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Lately I have wanted nothing more than to have the “old BabyAm” back…but unfortunately I’m sure she wasn’t healthy mentally, emotionally or physically then either. I hope someday she is able to find peace again.

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I am so interested to know who of her “friends” were really there for BabyAm when she was at her lowest. I would like to know who of her “friends” profess they support her and how her recovery comes first but still find it necessary to drunk text her. I know of 4 that checked on her, one out of state, one that stole her underwear and violated the privacy of her phone, another who isn’t doing so well either and then one that has shown he too…is a tool.

Interested to know how someone she cared about could put her in a potentially life altering position by taking her back to a place with so many triggers, used her and tossed her in the trash.

Interested to know why would anyone do those things to someone who is obviously vulnerable and in need of being supported and loved for who she is and where she is, without ANY temptations including but not limited to drugs…alcohol…or sex.

Interested to know why some of our friends have drifted and or are hiding from us. Do they think we have something they or their children can catch? Idiots. It’s not the common cold or a rash. It’s addiction. What are YOU ADDICTED TO? Porn? Oreos? Control?

People suck.

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Reminder to myself: It’s not about me.

But I would have loved to have been there to see you get your chip, and share in that moment.

Congratulations 6 months is great. I’m proud of you. I hope when you get your ‘year’, I will be invited.

You can do this.

Hurting already today…

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And yesterday was so wonderful, sharing 14 years with my amazing husband.

Emotional week. I love you Mom.

I was given an assignment by a temporary sponsor this past week to make a list of 10 Things I am Grateful For.   I have been trying to do it for months.  So, here it is, in all it’s glory.   I don’t know if it’s right, I don’t know if it needs tweaking but at 4:45am on Sunday June 9th, 2013…these are the things I was grateful for.

  1. Husband who loves me, and puts up with me…treats me like a queen.
  2. Mother who loves me unconditionally and has helped me grow by learning lessons she couldn’t teach me, because I needed to do it on my own
  3. Divorced first husband, but got my darling daughter out of that marriage, and ultimately out of that atmosphere.
  4. Though darling daughter has chosen the rocky path, she still has both feet on the ground and is trying to get back to the junction where the more smooth path lies.  And she’s alive, clean and sober.
  5. I have a roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and amenities I don’t need because my husband works hard to take care of his family.
  6. That I’m not alone, there are others who know how I  feeling, how I have felt, and how I am going to feel…they are there for me to encourage me, and offer strength and hope.
  7. That finally after several years I have a medical diagnosis and am taking the proper medication, and have someone monitoring my progress.  I am more balanced.
  8. I am free.  I am free to go for a walk, to make choices, to say yes/no with out explanation.  I am free to be myself, and have myself shine through inside and out.
  9. I am loved unconditionally by my family. That is amazing.
  10. My problems can all be solved with acceptance, once I am ready to admit, and give in to being powerless over everything…except myself.

It has to be my new medicine. I am cranky again and headaches galore.

I had to change one because last month it was $15. This month $104….because THEY CAN.

My sponsor flaked out.
My shrink took a new job.
My Psych PA took a new job.
And…
My General Practioner PA left as well.

I have a head full of crap and can’t let it out. Nice.

BabyAm is 137 days clean and sober. So proud of her.

I am grateful. But extremely cranky tonight.

Yesterday I started to write this:

Today we face adversity.  I hate it.  I don’t handle BS well.  UGH.

So BabyAm finally after 35 days got to come home Wednesday night.  She’s 63 days sober today (maybe 64).  I think that’s awesome.   I’m sure it’s a wonderful feeling for her to be able to have that much time behind her.

The court system blows so much of the time, but in her case…with the Judge she has, wow did she ever get a second chance.   A blessing.  (And like I said, I don’t say that anymore in quite the same way.)

Today has started out rough though, and she was told she needs to have a plan B regarding her living arrangements.   This is not cool.   It’s so frustrating for all of us.   So now we wait.

Last night I had the first real breakdown I have had in a couple months…partially because of all the shitty events of the day, partially because I got another taste of what it feels like to be the “cancer” of the family…or that our friends might catch the family “DISEASE”…

Now add to that the bold face lies that Hubby’s ex-wife told him, and that the company we were going to have for the weekend, in March, decided not to stay with us for whatever reason…ok, it’s a total SHIT reason, and it broke my heart…and I was a wreck.

I had just started feeling like I had things together, or at least that I was doing better.   I suppose we all have setbacks.  I just didn’t think mine was going to happen within 48 hours of BabyAm being home.

I gave Facebook the finger last night too.   At least for a little while.

She came in to my room last night and rubbed my head and hand while I cried, and just loved on me.   It was nice.  I fell asleep feeling like someone understood me.

So yesterday I headed “Up North”.  I’m glad I came.

I needed to get away, maybe I was getting a little stir-crazy.   But honestly, I didn’t think about either of those things, I just knew that I absolutely HAD to come.   Reason:  My ex-husband’s, father’s, 2nd wife passed away…and he called ME.  He didn’t call any of his kids, they don’t keep in touch with him.  I do.  He told me they never cared about her.  But I did.

I didn’t have to think twice, neither did Hubby.  He told me “get your stuff packed, I’ll be there in two hours to trade you cars.”

He (will call him “Senior” for blog sake) was so happy to see me today. He had NO idea I was coming.   I told him that I was going to send him a plant to remind him of her everyday, and have something to “take care of”…so before I just waltzed right over there, I called him first. Checking in on him, which isn’t unusual.  I asked if he had company, and then if would he like some.  He was quiet.

I told him I wanted to deliver his plant to him personally and give him a hug. Then he asked with a smile in his voice “Steph…where are you?”   I giggled and said “just down the street”.

I haven’t seen him in TWENTY ONE YEARS.  That was the one and only time I had met him before today again.   My heart breaks at the thought of losing my husband after any amount of time…let alone 30 years.   Holy cow.

B and V June 17 1983

That is them in June 1983…

Life is so fragile.  We take so much of our daily lives for granted.

Right now, I’m sitting in a WARM hotel room, watching the snow fall through the window.   There are many without a warm place tonight.

Though my situation is not ideal, I still have my family to hug and kiss when others have lost their most precious gift too soon.   Too soon, it’s ALWAYS too soon.

The Gratitude List is coming…I promise.  Thanks Headless Mom for pointing me in a direction that I wasn’t really thinking about.  Imagine that.

I really think this disaster is beating me.

I’m having a heck of a time keeping my chin up.

This is a part of my life now. It’s not going to ever go away.

So hard to see your baby girl on a video screen with Jail behind her. So hard to know that she’s had to learn to function in there and that a couple days has turned into 20 so quickly.

Powerless.

Helpless.

Ugh.

I will be trying to compile a gratitude list tomorrow.

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